Friday, May 29, 2009

The Blog is Getting Me Down

The blog is so whiny lately. I can't even take myself, so I can see why my comments are at an all-time low. Of course, a lot of my friends are also at the end of school which is a busy time... unless of course you're a stay at home mom of a 1 month old, in which case you can spend plenty of time editing photo shoots, or trying to fix your son's kick stand which mysteriously won't lift. Yes, if you heard some curse words around our house this morning about 8, it was me trying to fix it and Conner screaming that he wasn't going to be able to do wheel day. And yet, we still made it to school on time -- and I didn't forget the baby. Go me.

Anyway, I am still reading the news, but I haven't had the will to comment.

Til' yesterday. There was an article about how the federal government is looking at Massachusetts and Tennessee's health care systems to see if they can model the federal one after either. Turns out, people are more willing to buy cell phone service than pay for health insurance, even if it's quite affordable (along the same lines as a cell phone bill). And whamo, we hit the nail on the head. People think health care should be free. All of it, regardless of the type or the need. I agree, no one should die from an appendicitis because they are unable to pay... but guess what, I do think that bill should follow you around, be taken out of your paycheck, whatever, until it's paid off. I also think people on medical (or medicaid as it's called in many other states) should have a co-pay, and a BIG one for the ER. Like mine 50 bucks, and heavens knows you don't see me heading to the ER often.

Anyway, here's the question of the day. Do you think that people would pay a reasonable premium for health insurance? Do you think health care should be free? Do you think they'll ever end-up with a federal plan? In truth, we already have one. Those of us who do have insurance ARE already paying for those who don't. Our hospital is reimbursed such a ridiculous amount from Medical that it's almost not even worth our time to bill them. I'm talking it barely pays for the supplies, not to mention personnel, etc. And the bigger question, if they do start a federal plan, is there any chance I get to move out of the Kaiser system. ;)

1 Month Today!



From birth to one month. Amazing how little she can do, and how we celebrate the tiny things -- like the fact she looks at us. :) Drew thinks she smiles, but I think he is only hoping. I hope to get one soon. :)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Help, I've Fallen into Monotony

This morning I forgot my wallet at the grocery store (I left it at home, so I had to pack us all up, come home, get it and go back -- at least it wasn't stolen). It is probably the most excitement I've had all week (except for the belly button falling off).

Ugh, the monotony of it all. Wake-up, feed, try to keep awake, listen to a bit of crying, put to bed (where she must be swaddled within an inch of her life). Rinse and repeat.

Hour, by hour I feel like it's my whole life now.

No lunch with friends, no spontaneous trips to the store. Just the above.

Well, mixed with a few school activities.

Add in the sleep deprivation and you realize why postpartum depression is just an uphill battle.

I tried to fight it with chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips, that were delicious, but too much so. Trying to eat consciously, which is hard with above said issues.

I am getting a spectacular amount done at home {I am not even being sarcastic here --I really am doing an amazing amount -- because I'm home all day, every day}. Especially considering before I had her how little I was doing. Of course, no one notices, and regardless of how hard I clean or garden stuff still messes it up, and I have to re-do.

I have girls night on Saturday. I would probably be suicidal without that to look forward to. Just waiting for someone to get sick to ruin that....

Anyway, the days go by. Trying to savor it, and not scream.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Big Day in Little Town

Big things happening today.

P is 4 weeks. No photo shoot as she'll be one month on Friday we'll save it til' then. BIG NEWS, the cord came off. Goodness, I didn't know they could LAST 4 weeks, I've lied to millions of moms. Well, maybe just hundreds, but I'm still exceedingly happy. She just had her first full bath. And we rejoiced.

S had Kindergarten orientation. It was a big night for him (esp. since preschool's out and this was his last thing to look forward to). He ran off, I had to get him to come back and get his name tag. I got to listen to 1.5 hours of Kindergarten information. I thought my tailbone would dive itself into the cafeteria bench. I'm just too fragile for that kind of thing. We covered washing hands about 4 times, as well as "my child doesn't eat cheese", blah, blah, blah... As with having a baby, it's so nice to send #2 to school knowing everything that's going to happen. Well, as much as you can know. It's nice. I forgot how much I love Kindergarten, and the rejoicing in the last yea of fun-ness. Excited for that already. Spencer asked if he was going to go to Kindergarten tomorrow on the way home. Sadly, no.

In other news P had her first trip to Costco. Shockingly, she didn't scream for samples, ask for about 9 million things or complain. There really are a few perks to having a newborn.

Besides that their belly buttons fall off.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

News Today

So, it looks like prop 8 is upheld, prior marriages stand. Everyone wins, everyone loses... let's call the whole thing off. :)

P's bellybutton is only hanging by a thread. It's big news, and it smells. Yuck.

Did anyone watch the Oprah last week where the families were going without technology? I thought that'd be a good idea to start during the summer -- one day where we don't watch TV, or use the computer. Thankfully we haven't gotten into texting, or that would be one more thing to get rid of. I'm trying to ease myself into it. I'm calling it "tech free Tuesdays." What, you might ask, am I doing on the computer this fine AM? I'm easing into it. I'm giving myself 20 minutes of computer and then off it goes. It is literally SO sad how much I have gotten done this AM. I have the kids lessons planned for the summer, I've pulled all the newborn diapers out of the diaper bags to finish-up using them. Disgusting, maybe this will be a good thing. I am still watching TV though, I don't think I can eliminate that til' I start getting more sleep.

So much for P's good sleep habits. I mean, I got like 5 hours last night, but even though D fed in the middle I still wake-up and have hard time going back to sleep. Continuous sleep would be delicious at this point.

Mom's gone, I got all the kids to school by myself and we are all still alive. Go me. Feeling fairly accomplished.

Little international potluck we're going to tonight, I'm bringing jello salad. You know, really going to my roots.

We put some fine mesh around our cucmbers over the weekend, and this AM I found a bunch of snails out there. I sprinkled salt on them, and they had a horrible death. {sigh} I do believe mother nature is not so fond of me...

ETA: Seriously couldn't go all day on 20 minutes. I gave in and gave myself another 20 this afternoon, and who knows -- I might need another 20 this evening. I would call it a reward for living through the day, and now falling in a lump and drooling.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Marriage Killer

I'm watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 -- the season opener, and it's killing me. As I saw the previews it killed me and I even watched the first few minutes and then had to turn it off. But, tonight's my night to do the 10:30 feeding so I have some time to kill so I decided to watch it -- just like looking at an accident on the side of the road.

It's killing me.

Eight kids, they have eight kids. They went through twins, and then sextuplets and it took getting rich and famous to break them up.

Honestly, to even consider divorce when 8 kids hang in the balance. It's just insane to me. You NEED a partner.

I just can't believe it. I mean, I'll agree -- she's manipulative and controlling, but I don't think that the show enhanced that -- I think he knew he was getting that when he started. To me, I think it boils down to one thing -- money. Now she works outside the home, and he's at home, because they make more money that way. You can see it's killing him. I think there are very few dads who can stay at home full time with small children and not lose it. They're just not programmed for that.

They keep saying it's all for the kids. But the kids need a mom and a dad, not a dollar.

{sigh}

I hope they fix things. I hope they watch that episode and see that they weren't "together" at the birthday party -- that they were anything but.

Eight kids people. Eight kids. Drew and I can hardly stay civil some days and we only have one newborn.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Going Home







Well, the time has come. It's time for the help to be done.

Drew's back to work.

Mom's going home today.

I'm on my own. After the 3 day weekend. :)

And yes, I did make P that hat. And yes, she hates it. :)

Mom being here has been great. The kids have eased into life with a new sister with her. Can't thank her enough. Well, I can. I gave her grandchildren. And, you're welcome. :)

Friday, May 22, 2009

"It's So Easy"

You know what I'm tired of (besides wee people crying during the night)?

The news saying, how "easy" it is to save on your grocery shopping. True, it is easy to cut the coupons out, and perhaps use them on your shopping trip -- but it's NOT easy to REALLY save on your grocery bill.

Today, I got 8 boxes of nabisco crackers, 3 jars of mayo, 2 boxes of ritz crackers, and 4 cans of B ush's baked beans for just about 10 bucks after coupons and catalina savings.

Sweet, you say -- I bet it's easy.

Well, it took me about an hour to combine my grocery list.

It took me at least 1/2 an hour to go through the store, talk to the manager and let him know nothing in the store was tagged and that I was shopping entirely off the ad, and then another 10 minutes when my catalina didn't print correctly. I also had to have the balls to stand-up for myself at the check-out.

And I did, and I saved.

But it's not easy, and I would guess about 99% of the population hasn't the time, energy or will to shop like that.

Screw you Mr. Newsman. Oh, and same to you Lucky stores. I hate you (I tried to do it at Lucky and they just shrugged their shoulders and said I must have done it wrong).

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A-dorable

Found a pattern for an adorable bag.
I'm not quite my crafty self yet, but once I'm back (aka, in the fall, when the kids are back in school) I'm totally going to make one.
Unless, like a lunatic I decide to make us all halloween costumes.
{sigh}
http://madebyrae.blogspot.com/2009/02/free-buttercup-bag-sewing-pattern.html

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

P at 3 Weeks






Guess who got a photo shoot this morning! Guess who's already edited them, instead of vacuuming like I should be. :)


P has a brand new outfit courtesy of the new Kid to Kid nearby. I think I got 11 outfits and a pair of shoes (full outfits) for about 48 dollars. Right now they're having a buy 2 get 1 free sale on baby's clothes (anything below size 3). Also, if I refer you, you can get 3 dollars off your purchase. I think you need my phone number, which most of you have -- but if you want it, you can email me. ETA: I just emailed the store owner, he said that if you go-in with my name they will give you the credit. In an effort for full disclosure, I also get 3 dollars store credit if you use my name -- but I am fine if you don't even use my name... however, you won't get 3 dollars off. :)

I also have an email for 5 off a 30 dollar purchase, which makes it an even better deal (I can forwards you that email if you want it). For just an idea of pricing -- this outfit was 6.99, but I got a lot of other cute summer things for 3.99 and under. They have a lot of name brand items, as well as store brands, etc. Yesterday, I even saw a few items I'd like to take C back to try on (they have boy's sizes up to 12, and I think the same for bigger girls).

Anyway, it's a great way to shop (for those of you who don't know Kid to Kid -- they sell gently used children's items -- and most everything I've ever seen is in great condition -- and many of the items still have their tags on -- the items I have for P look brand new). They have clothes, toys and baby gear. Anyway, they're not paying me to advertise, I am just grateful when I don't have to pay full price. :)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just a few Whines on my Birthday

I really need a "3 things that bother me at 33" thread. So, here it is. And yes -- it's my birthday.

1. The sad, SAD news at the 2 week check up is that P's umbilical stump is goin' strong. The pediatrician said that she's seen umbilical cords stay on for up to 2 months. SERIOUSLY, this girl needs a real bath. And, I am totally tired of alcoholing it at the diaper changes. If she could give me a gift, I wish it was her cord. :)
2. The squirrels got our cucumbers. I hate them. They also have gotten all our carrots and the cilantro and they are literally eating our jalapeno plant. Seriously, what's up with that. If any of you love me come kill the squirrels.
3. I need to vote today. There are so many weird loopholes in the bills that I can't figure them out. I suppose I should just be glad they didn't put-up Prop 8 again, right? Go vote CA'ians. However, on a brighter note, it was my son who reminded me to vote. I'm glad they've talked about it at school, etc.

A big shout out to my friends Robin and Kim who share my exact birthday. People born on this day rock. Go team.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Here we Are

P spit up ALL over herself this AM during tummy time. Yes, I am insitant on tummy time -- even at 2 weeks. C couldn't pull his head up off the floor til' he was like 4 months -- so neck muscles is something near and dear to my heart. I'm talking all over, and because she was on her tummy it got in her eyes, her hair her ears... yummiola. Felt pretty bad for the little chick. However, she did get a new outfit. It's so weird, she NEVER spits up and then all the sudden she'll do something GIANT. That's my girl -- when she does it, she does it big. :)

However, I took care of it, pretty-well by myself, and I got C to school, even with a lunch, and frankly I just was proud of myself for doing the simple things. Drew is never home in the AM's and I am pretty afraid of getting the 3 out the door on my own -- so this was pretty big for me. I knew I could handle my life.

You look back on your first baby and wonder why it was so difficult. I mean, it IS -- it's AWFULLY difficult, much more difficult than having 3 at this point, but yeesh -- if only I knew I was having it so easy just having one little person to deal with. I'm sure plenty of you with 10 kids are reading this blog and laughing at me trying to get my 3 ready for the day, but laugh away. And then send me some sleep. :)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

2 weeks


A few pictures from Paige's 2 week photo session.

It was a quickie before going to the doctor. All is well, she's gaining weight nicely... sadly, so am I. I think the shedding time is over. Time to reign in the eating. :)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Safety First

Mostly, I'm sad that we have the problem at all. The people in the cars most often have a child that goes to the school, and they're the ones breaking the rules.
After getting a bunch of responses from my friends I've found a few tips:

1. Give the 5th graders more authority. Make them own it, it's their job to direct traffic and make sure it's flowing. They should be able to take down licence plate numbers if they're not bold enough to talk to the people themselves.

2. Parents need to speak up. As someone who's seen a child who was run over by his own mother (not at school, but as a nurse). If we see someone jay-walk, we need to say something. If we see someone drop-off in the wrong place, we need to say something.

3. Strict rules, and if someone's breaking one -- it's the community's job to say something. And, if we see someone giving the 5th graders a hard time, it can be our job to step in.

It seems like most everyone who has a system that works has parent volunteers or the teachers are in charge in the AM (which doesn't work for us, because by contract our teachers don't start til' later). Mostly, I'd like teachers to be doing work in our classrooms for our kids instead of reminding us how to be safe (same goes for the Principal -- we have an amazing one and I know she has PLENTY to do in the AM's).

Mostly I'd like people to grow brains, but that's just me. :)

In other news, we're feeding page only 2 oz during the day (per feeding) and she's waking up a little better with each feeding. She only woke-up once last night. We'll see if it was a fluke, or a real thing. :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Halla to the 2 weeks.

Guess who's 2 weeks today. I know, you're disappointed -- no pictures, but she's not even awake for the day yet... so I only have 12 minutes of freedom. :)

She's bein' weird lately. Workin' her into the schedule... it seems like we have LONG periods of being awake, and then LONG periods of being asleep. I know you babywise moms are out there -- any tips for that? Sometimes she cries for a long time at night. It's all do-able -- just talkin' to my babywise peeps. I'm still feeding every 3, keeping her up for an hour or when she seems to show cues of being tired and then laying her down... seems like I had this problem with Spencer and it somehow evened itself out.

In other news, guess who's just 2 pounds away from her pre-pregnancy weight here at the 2 week mark. I was pretty disappointed I didn't lose more in the hospital, but it's still shedding. I have my pre-pregnancy measurements -- I should see if I lost any inches in other parts of my body. I haven't started working out -- the thing in the hospital said you could start at 2 weeks, but that just seems weird. When did you guys start working out after pregnancy? This stomach is pretty ugly. I can't do any leg exercises because I think I had some pelvic separation and there are somethings that are REALLY painful to do and the pain continues for hours, and my PT told me not to do any strength training in my legs for a while. Anyway, that's out. you can all hate me -- but let's remember that I didn't get to eat much fun while I was pregnant. If you guys were on the GDM diet during pregnancy, you could be in your pre-pregnancy jeans too. :)

ETA: I put a weight loss ticker back up -- it's my total weight loss from when I started a long time ago -- since I had the baby I've lost 18#. Just in an effort of full disclosure. :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Serious Issue

I've been trying to go to our School Site Council this year. I was sick for the first couple of meetings for the year, but I've been pretty consistent about going since then.

Today we realized we have a problem. And it's a problem we can't really find a solution to -- so I was wondering what you do at your schools?

Our parents are crazy drivers. Now, for me the answer is to walk your kids to school -- but that's not an option for us (unless we want to leave here at 6:30). But, it's really unsafe. Luckily, there's a fair amount of parking around our school. However, parents are often dropping kids off in the middle of the streets, jay walking, driving through the school zone MUCH too fast, they're going in the exit (we have a specific area roped-off that you can't enter in -- but they drive in the exit so they can still get there). Our Principal consistently writes in our newsletter about safety and how we're an example to the kids, etc. We even have "traffic dads" who come out once a month to remind people -- but they're getting yelled at by other parents.

Anyway, do you have something that works at your school? I'd love to know if you do. I know some schools have PTA moms who help with the drop-off process and make it as quick and smooth as possible, but it seems like this is a waste of time -- that parents should be able to police themselves a bit.

Really, some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Getting Back

Drew's back to work.
Mom's here, kids love her -- even P.
And my to-do list is staring at me. Pretty much since my last bit of kidney stones I've been done with my life. Drew got to take a lot of things off my plate but I think it's time for me to take them back -- I'm pretty sure Drew's ready.
Part of me wants to do it just to show myself that I can.
Of course my mom's here... it's not like I'm doing it ALL alone. She fed the baby this am. Still trying to figure out how I'm gonna get the kids up, fed, and out the door with the wee one. I can see how it's gonna happen though -- I think. ;)
So, it's off of the computer, and back to the grind.
Go me.
P.S. Great new coupons on www.coupons.com -- for kraft products. FYI. Like a dollar off BBQ sauce, that will totally be free at some point... at least I hope. ;)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

This is Dedicated to the Moms I Love

I love my own mom. She's here. She's fabulous. Can't say enough good things about her, but today I am feeling especially tender towards the groups of moms I call my friends. I thought I'd come up with a few things that I appreciate about them:

1. I love how honest we all are. We aren't keeping it all together, there are times we want to strangle our young. By knowing that all moms have these feelings makes us all feel better, and know that life goes on.
2. I love how they look like they're keeping it together. Ok, serious confession here -- there was a fair amount of my life that I could care less about how I looked -- like, every single day I was fine with a t-shirt (even a crappy BYU band T), no make-up and glasses. Then, one day I started realizing my friends looked pretty dang good. That made me want look a little better, and then I felt a little better, and I realized that coming out of the house looking like you appreciate yourself actually does make yourself feel better. I became a happier me.
3. I love how my kids interact with their kids. I love that even though my C is much older than a lot of their kids he still counts them as his friends. It's like cousins, because we do depend on each other so much.
4. I love how my kids interact with them. I know if my child was asked to pick a new mom they'd pick Miranda and Kim. They really would. I love that they love them that much. I just hope they wouldn't pick them over me. I am aware it is a distinct possibility though.
5. I love hanging out with them. For all of the reasons above I have such a good time with my lady friends. I've taken a break from girls night, but I'm already trying to figure out when on the calendar we could fit it in before Summer hits. I love that they love girls night too. Anyone have a day that works? :)
Anyway, cheers to the moms out there. I hope you're getting all that you deserve today (which is hopefully a big load a' doin' nothing). And now, back to my regularly scheduled feeding.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Gosh, whatcha up to?

Funny you should ask... things are getting exciting around here.


We're (translated, me) are really trying to get P on a schedule. However, sometimes she is really, really sleepy (shown here) and sometimes she's fully awake (which you could see in the office right now if you were here. It's frustrating. Drew took the boys camping this weekend and I had the full night shift. Of course, she slept less than usual but I don't know why I would expect anything less. Good times.


Spencer has had a fair amount of quality time with us lately -- and I was able to get the hemorrhoid pillow shot of my little angel (his arms are his wings... fyi). He has had a great time with Drew being home and my mom is coming today. It's practically as exciting as the circus around here for him. In reality, he's doing pretty darn great with the baby. I've been careful to essentially try and keep his little schedule intact, we're still doing lessons and I'm trying to give him some activities to do when I'm busy doing something else. I've also tried to play a few games with him in my spare time. Yesterday he sat next to P for 1/2 an hour playing grab my finger. It was pretty cute.

People have been really sweet to us. My work sent this cute bouquet over, it's nice to have flowers on the table -- it makes it look like you have it more together than perhaps you actually do. One of the band moms made the kids these ADORABLE cupcakes -- and since they've been camping they're just sitting there in front of me. They are lucky I shot them rather than ate them. I did, however, have chocolate cake for breakfast. Yum, yum.



Oh, and last night I returned the "pumpkin". My friend also made me dinner and we played Rockband. And P, who never spits up did a nice number on Becky's outfit. Sorry Becky (or am I?). I'm really glad I went because it would've been a long afternoon/night with just me and P. Speaking of which, she is still awake and it's time for our next feeding. So until next time adieu. :)

Friday, May 08, 2009

Time to be Done

I am not a good decision maker, I just can't seem to make up my mind -- mostly on the simple things.

But I've had to make a decision. Since the hospital I've gotten hardly any milk and by day 2 Miss P was done latching on. I kept pumping like a good girl, and I've kept it up at home, although I will admit to forgetting a few times. What's a mother of 3 to do?

Well, it's been dwindling. I think I reached my peak on Sunday with about 1/2 ounce total between the two sides (did I mention she latched on at the Newborn Club -- I was pretty excited about that, but she didn't gain any weight after feeding for about 8 minutes) I was pretty dang proud, and it even looked milky...

But now it's like 5-10 cc's and that's mostly in the mornings with it diminishing all day. And, yet I keep doing it. I also HATE doing it -- it's 10 minutes I could be doing something else... not to mention it's not particularly pleasant.

Although, Spencer is obsessed with it. I always see his little head pop in the door when it's going on. Yesterday he said, "Mom, I think Becky wants her pumpkin back."
"her pumpkin?"
"yeah, that thing." (pointing to the breast pump) "I bet she wants it back, you should call her."

So, I'm gonna give her pumpkin back. This morning as I was pouring my 5 cc's of mother's love into the bottle I finally decided what I was doing was insane. But part of me feels like I'm making the decision to give her less. No, I won't dress you today -- I'm just too tired of the pumpkin. Of course, there are plenty of times we GIVE them less, we just don't make the decision to do it. I will ignore your crying to get a blog entry finished, I will allow you to run around our house with chocolate cake smeared on your face because I am too tired to drag you in the bathroom and really wash it off...

Anyway, it's just hard to make the decision that you can't do it all. And this is something I obviously can't do. I did, however, make her 12 burp cloths and bibs, and I worked out during pregnancy so I'm sure it all evens out. Right?

RIGHT? On a brighter note I hate sleeping in a bra. It drives me crazy. I will not miss it tonight.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Anxious

I really get SO anxious after I nap.

I'm talking the deep breathing kind of you feel like the world is tightening around you kind of anxiety.

It's only on the days I nap.

I even slept fairly well last night, but honestly -- what new mom doesn't want a nap every now and then...

Anyone else?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

In THAT Moment


I've been wanting to write a blog about this since the moment it happened -- but it slipped my mind and it's such an amazing moment, I wanted to do it justice.

A baby is born. When a baby is born at work I immediately jump into gear, get the time down, start pitocin, grab sutures, grab the cord blood check on mom, check on dad -- quick congratulations, check gender make sure the baby's doing well, apgars -- the list is never-ending once that baby is out.

A baby is born. It is my baby. Time stops. Check between the legs, check the color, check the lips/palate, overall body check, OMG check out my jiggly tummy. Time resumes.

I cried this time.

Not like I did on Sunday but there were tears, happy tears. It was a girl, she was here safe and I felt amazingly blessed. In that moment, the 3 years it took to conceive, the fact that I worry about parenting 3, the fact that I felt like my pregnancy was less than fun, the fact that the swine flu was swirling around us ready to attack, the fact that I'd never felt such pain as I was feeling nano-seconds before. It was all suddenly worth it. That little face staring up at me. I knew there was a reason we put all this effort forth for her. I knew she would be someone very special to me.
I also knew I was out of pain. There is something amazingly fantastic about how much pain you're in and how when they come out it's GONE. SO great. WAY better than morphine.
Anyway, I can't imagine people who deny God after seeing a birth that way. I'm not talking about just seeing a birth -- because I don't get this way with all deliveries at my hospital. Sometimes when I really bond with a patient I'll take a second to see this moment through their eyes and I get how amazing a moment it is for their family. The rest of the time is business as usual. There are SO many things that can go wrong, and yet they don't. God loves us, and he wants us to have children. He protects us so that we can.
I wonder how God sends those spirits. I personally, have very strong viewpoints about fetuses and spirits and I don't think this blog is the forum to share them on, but I do often wonder how God sends them. I bet they are scared, I bet they hurt to be out of His presence, I bet they worry about how their parents will treat them and how they'll make good decisions on their own. However, they have made a bold decision to come to earth already. I for one, am exceedingly grateful that P chose our family to come to, even with the swine flu and the forces of evil almost everywhere we turn. Anyway, it's a moment I'll never forget -- and I'm glad I am always the one to say "Drew, get the camera, we need pictures!" I'm so glad he listens.
In that moment I feel blessed. I know God lives and that He loves me -- and what better feeling can there be? Now it is my turn to show P the same.

Must. Stop.



Can't stop taking photos.

Now that she's a week, I think I can go to every other day.

Right?

P week 1







Guess who's a week old today. Well, this evening to be more precise... on Monday night we had a little birthday party for her (hard to say if we had the party just entirely for us to buy a Costco cake... but you can judge that for yourselves). We all made a wish for her and then blew-out her candle. We all then wrote down our wishes for her on a little scrapbook page. It was pretty sweet. I've done a photo shoot almost every day with the little darling. Sure makes me love my camera again.

What's a day like around here? Well, she eats every 2.5 to 3 hours -- we wake her up almost every time to eat during the day. Last night she did 4 hour stints at night, but prior to this it's been 3. She's still pretty dang awake at night. Last night she was awake for at least an hour after her 2:30 feeding, but she only cried a few times. She's eating somewhere between 2 and 3 ounces at each feeding... life's starting to get some semblance of routine. I have some pretty snazzy routines that I take her through to try and keep her awake during the day. I find old high school cheerleading cheers are quite amusing -- the kids love it when I do it with her. All in an effort for better sleep at night. Anyone on here remember the old THS "Raise your hands, stomp your feet" cheer? Huge hit around here.

Drew even went to school for a bit today and I have on regular pants. Check us out. I gave myself a week to eat totally whatever I wanted, but that is over now. I still have 1/2 of that cake staring at me... but it's eating consciously. Oh, and no more heavy pain pills for me. I hope my pelvis doesn't get too outraged.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

On the Edge of Naps

I took a nap today, and I'm back on the edge.
Maybe I function better on no sleep.
There's no reason -- just on the edge.
What's up with that?
Trumpet practice is not helping.

Halo

S came up to me with my hemorrhoid pillow on his head.
"Mom, I'm an angel."
Yes, sweetie -- you are.
WHY, WHY didn't I snap a photo right then?

Monday, May 04, 2009

Funnies from the Land of Lactation

I am pumping, today -- at one point, I got 10 cc's -- it was a pretty happy time. The rest of the time I seem to get about 5 cc's -- that's 10 minutes of pumping both sides. Oh well, I do think that it's important to give her as much of it as I can, regardless of how ANNOYING pumping is. We'll see how long it lasts.

Anyway, Spencer is really quite interested in the process of pumping -- and sadly, unlike the act of actual breastfeeding it is difficult to cover-up pumping. Even if you use a blanket, there's still the sounds and the chance of said blanket falling... either way he knows what's going on. In the hospital he was especially intrigued:
"Mom, is that your heart beating?"
"No, it's like when they hook the suctions on the cows and they give them milk."
"That's MILK in there?"
"Yup"
"Mom, I think I can see your heart beating" -- I think he just couldn't figure out why it was making my chest do that.
What do you say to your 5 year old about breastfeeding?

Mo-Jo






I don't know if my "happy" mo-jo is back -- but my photography mojo sure is... and it's been gone for a while...

Much Better

Doing much better this morning.

They sent the social worker to talk to me in the hospital, because I had checked the box for having had postpartum depression with C. It was a really good talk. I mostly asked her how you know it's turning from the baby blues into something you should be more concerned about. She said when it follows you. You can't shake it, ever. She said if things can't make you laugh if you can't see the bright side of things.

Last night P drank 3.5 ounces (and no, her name's not piggie, although perhaps it should be) and when I sat her up to burp she had a GIANT one. For the first time I laughed, in like 3 days -- like a real laugh, not everyone else is laughing so I'll smile.

And the sun came out. At least for a bit. Oh, and I showered, and changed my clothes. Horray for the little things.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Baby Blues, or a lack of pink

Note to reader: This is not an attempt to get sympathy. This is just an article -- read it as you would an article on Newsweek -- please distance it from your friendship with me. I think because now I have a little girl who will someday be bawling her eyes out over the fact that her life isn't working I feel a need to attempt to get this out. I don't remember feeling like this with S (most likely because we were buying a house, and I let a lot of things slide because we were moving), but I acutely remember it with Conner, and while it is nowhere near as bad this time -- I just wanted to get my thoughts down. Really, don't call me offering stuff. Currently I'm not accepting phone calls. I would not make it past hello. I would be mortified.

The baby blues. It seems like a cute fuzzy object, perhaps with a rabbit head that you might leave on the changing table. It doesn't encompass what you feel when you realize that you can't take your life and even while eating a delicious meal prepared by a good friend you burst into tears and can't even finish. As your nose is bleeding, and you're trying to pump and keep your baby awake while 2 other kids run up and down the hall screaming like maniacal beasts you suddenly realize how did your life get like this? When will this cancer that is new motherhood leave you? Will it leave? And the worst part, you gave it to yourself (well, you know what I mean -- I didn't conceive alone, but I did try for over 2 years -- this is something I really wanted). You can't even blame the swine.

I feel so alone. It's silly -- it's true. I have an amazing friend base and I know I could easily pick up the phone and start bawling to a friend and she would instantly understand how I feel. But I don't. First off, I like to keep up a facade that everything is just hunky-dory. If you ask how things are going I will say great. It's a reflex -- as easy as my knee bouncing when you hit it with a hammer. Secondly, I have no idea what I'd say. My husband doesn't help me (untrue, but I often still feel like that), the baby cries all the time (frankly, she doesn't -- the nights are killing me, but she's fairly well-mannered compared to other babies), my kids are insane (really, they're getting better). But somehow when you add it all up I'm losing my mind, and possibly for no apparent reason. Thirdly, I have some irrational need to keep everything going in my life. I'm still balancing the checkbook, I still want the house spotless, I still want my coupons clipped. I'm not letting balls drop. I physically can't stop myself. I keep saying to myself it's silly. Receipts don't have to be filed right now. But they do... and NOW. And I file.

I've seen the charts. How, once that placenta comes out there are hormones shifting all over the place like the sand in the desert -- and it happens for weeks after the little dear is out. Somehow having seen the charts makes me feel better. Perhaps this is just hormones. Maybe I'm not losing my mind. Maybe when they stabilize I will be able to read my kids a story without having wet cheeks afterwards.

Does knowing that other women experience this same thing make me feel any better? I'm not sure. I know on your first the giant looming cloud is "this is my new life." You fear you will never sleep again, never be able to sit without cringing, never be able to brush your boob without wanting to rip your hair out. And yet, knowing that I have triumphed past all of those things two times doesn't seem to fix it. I still worry this is my life. That I will never be able to go through a meal without bursting into tears and having to excuse myself. I think I'd even take bloody boobs over that one. My poor boys.

So, Miss P -- since this is essentially written for you -- what helps? The problem is, the very things you don't want to do (or compulsively can't do) are what will fix it. Calling a friend, writing a blog entry to just get your feelings out (yay, at least I did one), call ME. Call me NOW. Let the balls drop, let your husband know that if he doesn't get off the couch within 1 minute and clean up the house you will most likely castrate him. Just don't feel alone. Know that at least 80% of women who've had a baby have been down this exact path (yes, that percentage is a guess -- but there are those rare women who say they didn't have any baby blues, that things just chugged along like sunshine until their child went to college... I hate those women). The species is propagated just this way, and perhaps all these intense feelings are what cause us to love you so much that we'd die for you. Also, know that the black cloud leaves. At least I have it on good authority from my journal on the last 2. The first week or two is the worst... and heavens knows in a week or two you'll practically be in college. I love you Miss P -- and someday I will show you this blog entry and you will realize that you too love a little being this much and that life will go on. It must... for there are receipts to file.

{sigh}

Me, Slowly Pulling My Hair Out

Well, I've officially reached ugly.

Baby cried much of the night, no apparent reasons. The nurses said to be careful with how much she was eating, because they thought she was eating too much in the hospital. I think we'll still be careful during the day -- but at night she can eat to her little heart's content -- at least tonight. Each day I come-up with a new theory. Tomorrow, perhaps it will be that I was impregnated by aliens who are coming to suck my mind which is now made of mush and will be able to be gulped down like a Jamba Juice at this point.

Kids are driving me insane. Too loud, too much noise between crying and kids throwing blocks at each other. Normal kid stuff, just me too ugly to tolerate it.

Still haven't showered.

Still haven't bathed the baby.

Pure, unadulterated bliss...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Home, night 1



I always hate the first night home. I dread it. In fact, I was almost having a panic attack on Thursday night at the hospital. I don't know if it was hormones or what -- but I know the world shatters once you're on your own -- it always does.
Anyway, yesterday lived up to my expectations.
The boys were INSANE. Running around the house like rabid dogs, just couldn't settle. I really tried to be cool about it. I know they were happy to have me and P home, and because I hadn't been there for them the past couple of days I tried to let that all go... but I was pretty dang happy when Drew took them both to pack meeting.
Anyway, she hasn't slept too well since we got home, and I think that has something to do with the blankets I was using to swaddle her. She likes to have her hands by her face, but I'm also pretty sure she's waking herself up once she wiggles out of the swaddle.
Last night she was up every hour and a half. She was hungry each time, but I think we might as well have called her piggie. The first night at the hospital she drank 2 ounces twice. Little fatty. The nurses told me to try and limit it to one ounce at each feeding. I need to look back and see how much Spencer drank at this age. She seems to not ever stop... so we're just pulling the bottle away at 1 ounce ingested. At 5:00 am I finally figure out a new swaddling technique (I use a receiving blanket underneath, and pin her arms well with that stiffer blanket -- and then use the flannel ones I made her on top for more warmth) and she slept great til' we woke her up at 8 am. That's right, we woke her up. I even reviewed my Babywise technique before getting out of bed this morning. She also seems to like the Nuk binkies more than the Avent ones. I think I'll be sending Drew to the store for a couple more of those.
Anyway, that night's over, and I'm hoping it's our worst. Of course, one benefit to no breastmilk (seriously, none people -- and I'm still pumping every 3 hours) is Drew and I switch feedings. However, last night there was a fair amount of crying. I think she was overtired and hitting herself when she was asleep. We still really like her though -- and with a face like that top left photo, who wouldn't?

Induct Me


After contraction for HOURS on Tuesday night, absolutely nothing was happening by the morning, so we were off to the hospital. Luckily we had our induction scheduled for early in the morning. Pitocin was in by 9:30 and we were contracting along at a good pace. No progress was made for hours, but Drew and I did watch the movie "Stardust" -- my SIL gave it to me, and it was mildly amusing. I was trying to envision my cervix as a flower, but apparently the flower was not ready to bud. :) As a side note, we had amazing help with our kids. It's so nice to know that they're at a place that they feel welcome and safe. Big props to my friends Pili and Rowena who helped out on that end. It is by far the worst part of living away from my parents at this time.

At around 2:00 I decided that I was going to be contracting every 2-3 minutes, for most likely forever and I might as well get an epdiural. It was in by 3:30, and again -- no progress. At 4:30 she came in and asked me if I wanted my water broken. I think most of my blog readers are well aware of how petrified I was of commiting myself with her breaking my water. I finally OK'd it, and hardly any fluid came out anyway. Around 6:30 she checked me again and I was at a 6 (so about 2 cm's in 2 hours) but the baby was still high. {big sigh from me}. I actually wrote in my journal at that time that I expected her to come between 8:30 and 10 that night, we were calling our babysitter, trying to figure out what to do with the kids, etc. Then, at about 6:50 I had a lot of pain in my left hip (this picture was taken at 6:38 -- just like 20 min. before she's born -- you can tell I'm starting to feel more than I would prefer). I was trying to adjust myself (which was difficult since apparently the epidural catheter was feeding straight into my right leg -- it was SO numb, I couldn't move it at all) so that the epidural might flow there. I finally put the head of the bed down and with a monumental amount of effort put myself on my left side. That is when I said, "Drew -- you need to call the nurse, the baby is coming NOW." He called her -- and I remember thinking "you need to act more urgent with this" (but again, he had just heard from me that the baby wasn't coming for like 2 hours). She came in, and saw me. By this time I was shaking, wanting to throw up and die at the same time. She called for the doctor, some resident came in (although, I think all the residents were midly afraid of me -- because she left as soon as the attending came in) and said I was complete and the baby was +2. So, in like 20 minutes she'd basically flew-down the birth canal and was ready to come.

I was feeling everything, and I wanted it done. They quickly gowned up for delivery while I did some tiny pushes and then she was born within 3 contractions from then -- 7:02 pm. I mostly remember I kept asking if I was bringing her down and how many more pushes they thought it would take. I also remember the Dr. asking if I wanted an episiotomy and she could get her out -- yes, I wanted it but I said no -- I could do it. It was like crack cocaine out in front of me -- I wanted the episiotomy so bad, but I knew it would be bad for me in the long run. :) I also was VERY glad that this is my big finale of childbirth because let's just say that kidney stones was a mild annoyance compared to how I was feeling right then. I ended-up with a 2nd degree tear, because her head didn't mould at all, it's perfectly round -- I think she did all this so she could look amazing in her photos. Stinker. Of course, everyone commented on how perfect her head was -- all at my expense (still really sore, I didn't expect that on #3).

I also wanted to mention that the job that I do is a very important one. I think sometimes I forget how much a nurse can do for a patient, because it comes naturally now. But knowing that someone is on your side, that she'll help you get through it -- it's invaluable. Here's my main labor nurse, Kelly. She did a great job and I really appreciated her. The one with the hat on is the attending who delivered Miss P (if you want to know the actual name look on facebook or email me -- I'm a little paranoid about the blog right now). She also did a great job, and I can't imagine I was the easiest patient (shocking, I know). SO glad it's over, SO glad she's safe. APGAR's were 9/9 -- oh, and did I mention she has a lovely round head?

Friday, May 01, 2009

Home Again

Alright, it's done -- she's out -- and she's all ours.

And she IS a she. Let the cutting of tags begin.

Home today. Laceration hurting more than I thought it would -- just tryin' to get into the groove of things, just wanted to give a big hello to my blog peeps.

And yes, she does have a name, but we'll call her P for now.
Lots more pictures to view in lightroom. Not sure when I'll get to that. I think I need to blow-up my hemorrhoid pillow for my chair.

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