Back at Friend-Ville

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OK, so now I’m losing all my friends (can you see Drew’s eye roll here, yes– I have a lot of friends, and I’m sure that my friends that STILL live by me are crying their little eyes out, but when two of your very best leave you in such a short time span you tend to get introspective and narcissistic….).

HOW do you make new friends?

WHO do you make new friends with?

Are there friend bars I can go to?

Well, the real issue is that I like being friends with people who are in a similar life situation to me.  That means moms of older school aged kids.

This, is a problem.

As most of the women at church have preschool or babies.  I like them all a lot, but it’s hard to talk about baby stuff when you’re really worried that your 10 year old is turning into a mess.  Organic diaper cream just seems to matter less…  Of course, I have a baby… but I guess when your kids grow you realize that the little problems are just that, little.  I’m sure when I have a high schooler I will look back to the year of a thousand jackets and have a nice laugh and I visit my son in jail.  OK, he won’t be in jail, but I’m sure you get the picture.

BUT, I also need to get over this.  A lot of times they have a viewpoint that can make me realize my kids really are great and to stop stressing.  We can help each other. :)  Plus, I have a baby.  I can fit in.  Even if I’m not a size 4… right?  I also worry they think I’m old.  I like a lot of them a lot, but I just think in my head that I’m too old to hang with them.  I am fired.  I should call one of them right now.

I’m sure some of you are saying, “why just church?”  Well, yeah Hilary, why just church?  For a few reasons it’s sometimes easier for me to be friends with people who are Mormon, then people who aren’t.  That isn’t to say that I don’t have some great non-Mormon friends, but a lot of things take “translating”.

I do think this is something I need to get over.  Woman I’m “attracted to” (and please don’t take that the wrong way — but we all know what I mean, sometimes you meet a lady, and you realize that you want to be her new BFF) tend to have a religious foundation, even if it’s not the same as mine.  I think that people who find religion important will understand how important it is to me.

I’m hoping to branch out at school a bit more this year.  I have often kept a lot of those relationships somewhat superficial, but there’s no need.  For, if I want friends with school aged kids, I should look no further then my kids classrooms.

Work is also a great place for friends.  Again, they’re spread out around the valley, blah-blah-blah…  Frankly, the problem’s me.  I need to reach out.  I’m sure they love me.  Don’t you think?

How have you met your friends?  Do you want to be my friend?  If so, please leave a 100 word or less essay on how much you like me and why you think you’d be a good friend.  Aerial font, please. :)

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  1. says

    Making friends is hard for me. Like, really hard. I have lots of acquaintances, but really good, close friends are far more difficult.
    I find that I have to spend a lot of repeated time with people before that wall comes down and we start being friends. So my friends end up being the moms of my kids’ friends- the ones I see day after day at preschool, adventure day, the pool, etc. Or they’re people I work with in my callings – some of my really good friends are moms of some of the YW.
    Speaking of which, I love having “older” friends, it just gives me a different perspective. That being said, I don’t think you’re old (probably because I’m older than you. At least I think I am).
    I have a lot of thoughts about this whole subject, which I think I’ll write my own post about. So I’ll stop now.
    But I like you and think we should be better friends. And not just because freakin’ ALL of my friends are moving.

  2. says

    I cry daily about the loss of my friends here. Everybody leaves. When the new ones move in, and I want to be their new BFF, I know they’ll be leaving. My problem is that I take for granted the friendships I have. I probably don’t spend enough time even making an effort in those friendship, they are just there. I like effortless friendships. You have to make an effort to make new friends.

    Let’s get together more. Make an effort. Then when you leave me I will know I tried :-)

  3. says

    I agree with Maryanne (on all points) but to bring up two specifically: I also like having friends with kids who are older and I don’t think you are old. I have noticed that my age doesn’t seem to matter as much now. There are times I have to stop and actually calculate to remember how old I am because I don’t think about it. It just doesn’t affect my life as closely as before. I am more likely to compare age of children for feeling out the different stages of life an acquaintance might be in. Being a teacher in Primary has given me such a great perspective on 7-11 year olds that I wasn’t getting otherwise. While I can’t reciprocate on how to deal with your ten year old I appreciate hearing about it so I can lay the groundwork for the time when I have a ten year old. And then I can wish that I’m as organized and handle it as well as you do.
    Losing friends is tough. High turnover is the nature of this area(as you well know). Since you rock, you can find others to be good friends with. Though as already mentioned that takes time and effort and risk – to all of which we say boo.

    Invite some people over to your house for dinner and games or Wii party. That gives you a chance to talk and spend that time together lays the foundation. (The sooner the better, before marching band descends upon you 😛 )

  4. says

    Ya know, friends & friendship has been weighing heavily on my mind the last few days. I know what you mean about finding ones in similar life circumstances though. I find it hard to relate to girls with 1 kid who cry how hard it is. I should be more compassionate, but I’m not.

    I’ll be your friend, Hillary. I like your wit & candor. But, I’m a super lazy friend right now, so probably not what your looking for. ( I am doing WW though..we could be points buddies though.)

  5. says

    And it is so selfish of Lara & Joel to move to Michigan. I have told them several times that I want to live next door and raise our kids together. I don’t say that to anyone but my bff. selfish.

  6. says

    Yea, rough topic. I don’t even live in such a transient area, like you do still. I deserted you, and for that I’m sorry! :) I felt like we were great friends when I lived there.

    You heard my two cents chatting a while ago. It’s hard for me to make friends and I don’t know why!! I think I’m fun. I think I’m easy to talk to. When I hear about others getting together I wonder why I wasn’t invited. Bottom line, I guess I need to be the one to arrange activities, get togethers and the like. I’m hesitant to do that….I feel like I’ve lived here a sufficient amount of time that I should know who my ‘friends’ are, but I worry that nobody will come to my “party”.

    It hurts to reach out to new gals and feel like they like you for a bit, but then find others they like more. Or is that really the case? Keep on tryin’ is what it ends up being for me. Stinks though.

  7. says

    Be my friend!! This is the first time I have posted on your blog but what you have said has so much truth. I am like you and find with older kids (10,8,5,3) that I just don’t really fit in at church anymore. I am only 33 but with no baby to walk the halls I don’t fit in with the young moms and still I don’t really fit in with the older moms with teenagers. So I hear ya sista!! After a move I found a GREAT girl with kids the same age as mine and we were wonderful friends and then her stinkn’ hubby had to go and get a promotion and so they needed to move away, far away. It sucks! So where do you find friends that understand who you are and what you believe? This can sometimes be very hard. I guess we will just have to put ourselves out there a little more and hope, pray & trust that a friend is out there somewhere. However, until that day come please feel free to consider me your friend, I live way up here in Canada but that just means I am a very low maitenance friend. Sending lots of friendship love . . .

  8. Lina says

    I loved your post. Here’s my experience. Most of my closest friends are far far away. Some of them are just barely starting out having kids (in their mid 30’s) while others already have two or three. Some have kids same age as mine, but most don’t. Some are Mormon, but most are not. Some are young and some are old. One has been my BFF for 28 years and our friendship is still going strong, while others are going on 18+ years. (Btw, my friend of 28 years is non-mormon, single with no kids). I have noticed that location or similarities aren’t always necessary to make but mostly keep great friends. I think the KEY here is to keep the ones we already have and not worry about making new BFF’s (unless you truly don’t have any friends already). When we plan family vacations and stuff, we make sure we visit our friends. We also often invite our friends here, despite our small house and humble circumstances. And since most of them live far away, they stay for 2+ weeks when they come. :) Gotta love that. For the everyday connections, I use the phone, skype, FB, e-mail and blogs etc. Although, I DO have one mormon girlfriend who’s 2.5 years older than me, her two kids exactly (within weeks) the same age as my two kids. We haven’t been in the same ward for the last 4 years close enough that we’ll see each other every or every other week. Good luck! I really like you. If I hadn’t moved just when you became my V.T we might just would have hit it off. I like the fact that you are my FB friend and I check your blog every so often. Good luck and sorry this was longer than you wanted. :)

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