Who I am Becoming

This morning I did restorative Yoga.  I just felt like my body needed to be stretched out from what I am turning it into.  I really enjoyed it.  It was just what I needed.  To take some time to think about peace and how I can have that in my heart.

The truth is I’m not liking what I’m becoming because of this.  I have hard feelings towards some people who I thought would put more of an effort to help us out.  I have a hard time helping at school because I feel like that is a system where there is SO much giving and an even larger amount of people just taking and not noticing all that is given.  I have a hard time even thinking about providing service because I have so many personal needs right now.  I am definitely not happy. 

And that’s not me.

I’m the person who when you ask how I am doing I say, “fabulous” — and I usually mean it.  Now I say fabulous and turn my head to wipe away a tear.  I mean, what on earth am I crying about?  My current life is pretty darn fantastic.  We both have great jobs right now, and for the next few months.  I have had such strong personal assurances that our family will come out of this better, and all of this is happening for a very specific reason.

But that doesn’t stop me from becoming the old woman in the shoe.

But, that ends today.

I so strongly lecture my kids that they can’t let someone else’s behavior affect how they act.  Of course, that is a lesson much easier taught then lived.  But now is the time to make it happen.  I can still be that happy, fun loving person who enjoys her friends, her life and her family without letting this ruin all of that.

I am very blessed.

My children have amazing teachers (one of whom came to dinner last night, the brave soul), we have AMAZING friends, we have a nice home that is functional and clean.  I enjoy keeping it clean and having good times with my family in it.  I have a great job where I get to help women become mothers who love their children like I do.  I have a loving family who is backing me up every step of the way.  And then there’s all of you.  I have had SO much love from this blog and from friends near and far.

So how can I be happy.  Or, to use a song — how can I keep from singing?

Honestly, I can’t.

But there are things I’m doing that are NOT helping.  Things I am vowing to stop or start….

1.  Spending time on the computer.  Haha, where I sit right now.  But I’m constantly looking for jobs or houses or seeing what other houses around here are selling for.  It is no bueno.  I always feel like a disheveled heap when I’m done.  So I actually plan to spend a little more time watching TV, perhaps doing some crafts.  Doing something I love and something that lightens my heart.  Plus, I am lucky to have my phone where I can still read blogs and answer emails.  You can rest assured that I’m still reading all your blogs, it just is REALLY hard to comment via my phone.  I do love reading blogs.

2.  Using music to lift my spirits.  I love how music can make jobs more tolerable, kids happier.  I love all of that.  All sorts of music.

3.  Keeping to my regular routine.  Lately I’ve been letting a lot slide because I’m so worn out from worrying.  Well, if I stop worrying, I easily have time to make cookies, right? :)  I am happiest when I am productive.  There is plenty to do.  This house could use a serious fine toothed comb, moving or not… and heavens knows I love to organize. :)  Sad, but true.

Anyway, that’s my plan.  I’m sorry to anyone that I’ve been overly dramatic to lately.  It’s not my real self.  It was my scared self.  And I’m not going to be scared anymore.

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Comments

  1. says

    Hill…

    you are one of the most faithful, resourceful women I have ever known.

    but it’s okay to be scared…but it’s also great that you are shaking it off and allowing yourself to move forward.

    All things will happen for your good.

    You are following the Lord and he will bless you for it.

    Keep the faith, my friend. Keep the faith.

  2. says

    You are human Hillary!
    I don’t answer, “fabulous” very often, so I’m definitely more of a drama Queen than you.

    I understand having ill feelings towards some that you think should reach out. That is hard. Things will be on the upswing for you soon!

  3. Anonymous says

    Everything you are feeling makes sense! The only thing I have control over though is how you feel undervalued for your help at school. It worries me that teachers may be so caught up in our own budgetary turmoil and stress that we forget to make those of you who do the heavy lifting outside of the classroom understand how much we need and appreciate you. I am going to try to remedy that. Because we need and appreciate you so very much.
    Emily