Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Want It NOW

I feel like this girl.  I want a feast, I want a bean feast....

Only mine goes, "I want a job, a job that lets me pick my hours... and a house that's all so perfect and within walking distance...."

Can you hear it?

Can you see my hair getting all snarly and in my face?

I can.

I see it in my minds eye every day.

I realize that I am wanting the absolute impossible.

What are the chances that Drew finds the perfect job, and the perfect opportunity to go back to school, I find a great job and we sell our house AND we find the perfect house?

I am whiny, and arrogant to think it should all happen.

But a large part of me thinks it WILL happen.  For some crazy reason....

But I guess I feel badly for expecting it.  There are so many people out there a lot worse off.  Although, I will admit that the circumstances around Drew's being laid off makes me feel like I kind of deserve more.

But no one deserves anything.  And I know whatever we get is a blessing from God.

And I need to remember that.
We have been EXTREMELY lucky and blessed so far.  When I'm able to pull myself out and take a "step back" I realize that.

It's just finding the time to take in the whole view. :)

{God is in charge, don't jump off the plane}

Songs Of Guidance

Just have to say that the fourth article of faith song followed me around work tonight.  Sure, it'd turn off long enough for me to talk to my patients, or whatever -- but as soon as I'd leave the room it'd turn RIGHT back on in my head.  It was really weird. 

REALLY weird.

I mean, every time I turned around it was in my head.

I feel badly.  I think that mybe my faith isn't showing the way it should.  I truly do believe God has a plan for us.  I just also am REALLY tired of waiting for the plan to drop into place.  I actually said a prayer tonight at work just thanking God for everything in my life and admitting that I had some work to do in the faith department.

Not too long after I got a call from Drew, and we have a new house offer.  Just a few thousand off the first, and she seems to love our house.

Do you get guidance through song?  I must admit, it happens to me fairly frequently but this was the first time I had a personal soundtrack for at least 6 hours of my shift. :)

The first principles and ordianances of the gospel are first....

Monday, May 30, 2011

Falling Through and Falling Apart.

I have to say, the whole house thing falling through has put a serious dent in my life/spirit.  I would have to describe myself as miserable about 80% of the time.

I feel like nothing will work.

I feel like nothing IS working.

I feel like our house will NEVER sell (at least not for real).

I wont get the job I want.

We won't find a house that I somehow think is out there (I will admit to continuing to lust after a home that is already under contract, and has been so for a long time, it's not good for my soul -- but I still do it).

I can't put it all together.

And while I do feel like God is in charge, part of me feels like this trial is NEVER going to end and I will be living like this forever.

So I just want to say this is how I feel.  I'm tired of people asking me what we'll do if our house doesn't sell.  I'm tired of people telling me to just find an OK house and buy it or just to rent.  I'm just SO tired.  I feel like this year of layoffs is never ending and it won't ever change.

And that is how I feel today.

But on a memorial day like this I can at least be grateful for so many amazing ancestors who went through much worse then this.  I am grateful that my family is all here, and together, and for the most part healthy.  There are SO many things to be grateful for... but I hate to delude you all into thinking I am Mary Sunshine.  I'm having a hard time just plodding through life lately. 

But life goes on.  {God is in charge, don't jump off the plane}

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Flying and Flying By the Seat of Your Pants

I flew home last night.  My last phone conversation was with my dad saying that I just couldn't take any more turbulence in my life.  Of course, lift off was really bumpy and I found myself wondering why I EVER said that.

Note, I am an awful flyer.  I hate it.

But, as I was sitting there, looking out the window thinking about leaving my future home bouncing around in my seat I realized that flying is a lot like faith.

And maybe that's why I don't like it so much.

I like my feet on the ground, I like knownig that the ground is under me, and that I am in control.  I am in charge of the propulsion. 

Note, I also hate driving.  It's sometimes too intense for me to deal with all the incoming factors....

But, how often do we hear of planes falling out of the sky?

I'm just SURE that the one I am on is going to do that.

My uncle's did that.

I must admit that sometimes I live in worry that my own personal plane is falling out of the sky.  There's no way we're going to get the right home, the right jobs (I have no talked myself out of the perfect job, just knowing they'll figure out they don't need/want me), selling the house.  That God really doesn't have a plan for us, that we are totally screwed.

But as the lights of phoenix grew very distant I realized that our plane would take off and land in the right places.  That our pilot had all of our safety at heart and we would be fine.  Bumps in the road or the air are just that -- bumps.  And as long as we don't decide to jump out of the plane we'll be good.

So, Hilary, don't jump off the plane.

New Mantra -- {God is in charge, don't jump off the plane}

Friday, May 27, 2011

The long road home....

Just have to say this trip has been enlightening. I feel really lucky for the people I have met. Friends both those I already have & those I made.

I think I know where I want to work, and muc like drew I felt entirely at home while at the interview.

Houses still up in the air. For those ho aren't my facebook friend, our purchase deal fell through, so we are back on the market.

And remembering that God is in charge.
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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Moving: Selling

And, it's sold.

Sure, we have 17 days from today to really KNOW that we're out of here... but those 17 days will go by fast.  We plan to leave the end of June for anyone wanting to know.  We've asked them for a 37 day closing so we can get a house in AZ so we're not homeless.

Although, I met a homeless man today at Walgreens and he seemed awfully nice. :) 

Anyway, sure we could have probably held out for a few thousand more... but would it have been worth it?  Probably not.  At least in our situation.  We are just VERY happy to have that part of our life over.  I feel like I'm totally looking ahead now, and ready to close this chapter (which, I am aware will be VERY painful and sad) and ready to start our new one.

We did consider countering this offer (we got a 3rd offer in late yesterday that was much better than the first two -- btw, I would be happy to share the amounts of the offers and how we decided to anyone who wants to know... maybe I will after we close escrow, I'm not private about that kind of stuff)... but the offer was solid, they were putting a nice amount down and who knew if they'd walk away if we countered.  Just better to set it in stone.  What's a couple thou, right?

In other news, I'm flying to AZ tomorrow.  I am NOT a good flyer, but I have some job interviews and I'm ready to look at houses.  I've grabbed complete strangers... nothing I'm proud of.  Anyway, any tips on flying sans children?  I, shockingly, will probably miss the children as they are a nice distraction from the fact that I could plummet to my death at any moment.

Wouldn't that put a kink in our plans?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Putting God in Charge, Daily Conversions

I think I need to wake up every morning and tell myself (possibly even out loud) that God is in charge.  It is HIS day and HE will make of it/me as He will.

I forget it.

I get SO caught-up in the cleaning, the phone calls, the children, the food, the end of year activities... it's just overwhelming and while in the grind you think you need to do ALL of it.

But I'm just the leg man.

And today a door finally opened for me.  I've wanted to work at one hospital this while time, it's larger and does a lot of higher risk deliveries.  I like that.  I like being busy and happy.  Today I finally talked to a recruiter.  I teared-up on the phone.  It was pretty big news for me.  I've had zero luck for days and days.

Today I also made the early morning decision that I needed to go to AZ.  Honestly, I have no idea what a 2000 square foot house feels like.  Is it more than we need, is it less?  And I think making the decision (with God's help) that I needed to go, helped open the door.

The lady on the phone said they had over 100 applicants for the job I'm applying for.  Most aren't qualified -- but seriously.  Wow.  I had no idea.

So, today I am learning that I need to perhaps even oralize (is that a word) my mantra that God is in charge.  I need to say it daily, hourly... sometimes every minute.  There's a good chance our house is going to go under contract in the next couple of days so we need to make sure that our ducks are going in the right row.  I want someone that fits this neighborhood well as we've come to love our neighbors as well.

And life goes on.  The beat goes on.  The TV is on.  And God is in charge. 

Moving: Showings

The house has officially been on the market for a week now.  I feel like I've gotten pretty good at showings.  Here's my "tips"

1. Our realtor did a great job at making everything really open.  This has also put most of our stuff in the garage.  I've tried to leave as little as possible inside the home.  P does have a bucket of toys that comes in and out depending on if we're showing.  It makes it easy to dump it all in there and throw it in the garage.

2.  I let everyone come.  Sometimes P has been asleep, but I just let them know if they like the house they're welcome to come back and see that room, but it's of a similar size to the master.  No one's been taken aback by it.  We show it whenever someone wants to see it.  We do ask that people call, and most have been nice enough to call, but when I see someone pulling a flyer and staring at it, I will often open the door and invite them in . The more showings, the better.

3.  I do my 10 minute tidy in the AM.  I walk room by room and make it ALL show -worthy after I drop off kids in the AM.  That way I can have very little notice and it can pretty-well be show worthy.

4.  I leave the drapes all open.  My realtor said this was very important and it does make it seem more open.

Anyway, that's all I can think of.  So far we've had about 30+ people come through.  That apparently is a good number for the first week.  We're starting to have a few second showings, so that is promising.  I am so grateful that God has our back in all of this.  Sometimes I get so busy in all the "doings" that I need to realize that I just need to do what I need to do and then let God do the rest.  He always does.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Moving: Wants

House, M.D.: Season SixIt's not secret.  My A#1 reason that I might even be the tiniest bit excited about moving is that we are going to leave this house!  Sure, it is a GREAT house, for 2 kids.  It's a perfect house, for 2 kids.  Add one more, and I think we're bursting at the seams somehow.  I've been looking at houses in AZ a LOT.  Probably too much.  I'm fairly sure of the area I want to live.  I've also started to solidify what I really want in house.

1.  Close enough to walk to schools, preferably both Jr. high AND Elementary, but if needs be at LEAST Elementary.  Good schools too.  No 6's on great schools, please. :) 

2.  4 bedrooms, possibly 5.  But at least 4.  Will the boys stay together in one room?  I'm not sure.  I am sure a great deal of it depends on the house plan, but I really would like to keep them together.  Thoughts?

3.  2200-3000 square feet.  I'd like to stay in the about 2500 range.  Our current house is 1207, but I will admit it seems the same as most 1400 sq foot houses, just because the layout is so darn awesome.  If this place had a basement I could live here forever.  But, it doesn't. :)

4.  North/South exposure.  I'm slowly realizing how important this could be in AZ.  Our current house is East/West and I hate how the sun heats up our living room in the afternoon.  I'm sure that would only be worse in AZ.

5.  3 car garage.  I thought it was friviolous, but I'd sure like it.  I'm sure both cars will be in the garage, so I still need room to store al my STUFF.  And gosh dang it, we've got stuff.

6.  Kitchen {drool}.  With a pantry {drool}  I can't keep talking, I get emotional when I see some of them, with their islands and their counters with bars.  So excited for this.  I'm also going to throw out our old dishes.  They made it through the first 14 years of marriage, it's time to start anew.  Maybe I could buy some on Amazon and have them waiting for me when I arrive. :D

7.  To pool or not to pool.  We need a fence, we need play space.  I don't want a pool that takes over the whole backyard.  I must admit they look inviting and it sure would make my kids happy.

8.  Proximity.  I will admit that a lot of this would be easier if I knew where I would be working, so I mostly work off of where Drew is working and I am just hopeful I'll find a gig nearby.  If anyone has any "in's" in Chandler, Mesa or Gilbert hospitals I'd give you a GIANT shout out on the blog. :)

The funny thing is, I rarely look at a house and don't think it'd be fine to live in.  Rule #1 is pretty much what dictates my house hunt (along with proximity, square footage and room count).  Which, goes pretty much like this.

I use my realtor's web site to find houses that are active (Trulia and Zillow have a lot of houses that are already under contract so that isn't helpful).  Then, I bring them up on Trulia and check out the distance to schools.  I've already researched all of the schools on www.greatschools.org -- which has been really helpful.  I love how there's reviews of everything these days!

THEN, if all that looks alright, I read the description, and look at the photos. 

I'm open to new websites though, and new thoughts as to how important any/all of this would be.  I can't believe we could be moving in a month or so {silent tear}.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My Favorite Things About Being Mormon: Service

You learn to say "what can I bring" every time you're invited to a party.

You learn to say "how can I help?" when you see someone working.

You learn to say "how are things going?" when someone just seems different.

I love how Mormon women act.  I'm actually getting teary writing this thing.  I can't count the number of ways that our family has been served by Mormon Women.  The casseroles, the child watching/rearing, the talks on the phone, the pep talks about how things are going to be alright, the prayers, the love.  It's all encompassing.

And I'm one of those women, and I can tell you the reason why.  I watched my mom do the same thing from a young age, I remember taking casseroles to sick people in our neighborhood, I watched Aunts pitch in and help with dinner at family parties, I watched roommates who do the same thing in college.  It's a knee-jerk reaction at this point, it's what we do.

And I've slowly learned it's not what everyone does.  And it, by no means, is something that just Mormons do -- I just think that in general we do it REALLY well.

And I hate to set aside the men, but it's not really the same.  I think women are just so in tune with thoughts, emotions and needs that they tend to just jump in.

Some of you may have heard about our Visiting Teaching program.  Two women are assigned to each sister in the ward to go visit them monthly (you don't actually have to VISIT them each month, you can also do phone calls or letters or emails... sadly, not just texts).  They find out how she's doing, if she needs anything and they share a short spiritual message with her and then usually discuss it a bit.  I have always been touched by how Jesus healed each person one by one, and this program just extends Jesus's hand.  People need friends, and when I move to my new area, I will have visiting teachers who will hopefully see to my needs.  Isn't that a lovely program?  Sure, it doesn't always work, but it works fairly often enough and it's always nice to know that 2 other women out there have your back.  I have 2 women assigned to me, and I am assigned to 3 women with one other woman in the ward. 

I love that.

And I love being Mormon*. :)

*Our actual church name is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but many people refer to us as Mormons... and while I probably shouldn't I obviously like to live on the edge. :)

You know it's a great day...

Watch and Be Ready: Preparing for the Second Coming of the LordYou know things are just going swimmingly when you secretly sort of wish the rapture would happen so you aren't left in the life you are currently living.  I mean, how many of you kind of had that secret wish.  I'm awfully proud to announce that MISTER Rapture is right here in the bay area.  Far as I can tell he's sticking with "no comment."  Sad, but true.

When I was 14 there was a LOT of lessons about the 2nd coming (aka, the rapture'ish word the Mormons use -- we don't really believe in the SAME rapture but that is when we believe Christ will come).  I ended-up just scared out of my wits of Jesus and if he should come and I still have lustful feelings for that drum major at Pleasant Grove.  Imagine the heartache when he tells me I'm a sinner. 

The fire, the damnation.

But I've come to view Christ coming in a very new and different way.

I'm not sure when it happened.  It may have had to do with the deaths that I've dealt with in my life.  The realization that when Christ comes I will also see those who have passed on.  The fact that God loves me and seeing Christ would never be an awful tormented feeling, it would be love and joy that HE is our Savior.

I truly do look forward to the day now.  I think that a lot of it comes from feeling His live while I live on the earth far away from Him right now.  It makes me sad to think of people who think that God will just take up a few supreme beings leaving the rest of us to just fight it out and turn our world into mass chaos.  It makes me sad when people don't think about how much God loves each and every one of us.

And while this is a rambling post, those are the thoughts running through my head.

P.S.  Do you have "benchmark" people who you figure if they're still around it didn't realy happen?  There are some people out there who I am so sure are making it to heaven that I figure if I see them when I die I'm pretty golden. :)  Anyone else have random crazy thoughts like this in their head?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Photo Friday: School, School, School...

This week brought the classroom celebrations at our school.  We have been SO lucky to have A-mazing teachers this year.  I feel really blessed, and I think that Conner having his particular teacher may have been, actually, the reason that we stayed here for as long as we have.  He's just perfect.  Anyway, Spencer had Mrs. W.  She's the best first grade teacher, just goes with the flow of being crazy and fun, while still expecting a lot out of her students.  We love her so much. That is a butterfly on S's head since that is their classroom symbol.  

He also had a student teacher from Stanford this year.  I'm really glad that she is in our class.  She's been suffering it out on her own this week (they take 2 weeks and take the class "on their own" -- although their mentor teacher is still on campus for any "issues").  She's realy great, and is teaching in Germany next year!

Here's Conner and Mr. M.  I'm going to miss him a lot next year.  Conner's been doing "family life" studies at school this week.  It's made for some interesting dinner conversation. :)  You know, we didn't cover much at all at our "maturation clinic" -- mostly personal hygiene, but these kids get the works, in a very informational way and they really encourage them to talk to their parents abou it.  I have to say I'm glad, being that I've seen 13 year olds deliver babies and that's just a couple years away {vomiting}.

AND guess who got an award from the PTA for all my work at school.  They said some very sweet non-deserved things about me.  And gave me some lovely flowers. Darn it, I'm going to miss that school.  Mostly. :)

And here is my one birthday present.  Wait, no, my brother gave me an Amazon gift card that I'm hoping to wait to use until we move and I need something exciting at our new place.  I love "spring bouquets" of flowers -- they're my favorite. 

That's what's up here.  Except for the need to keep our house clean 24 hours a day we're not doing much. :)  Here's a link to the photos of our home.  Check how clean it is.  Honestly, I'm doing alright with keeping it this clean most of the time.  I'm kind of proud of it.  But, I doubt I can last much longer.  Fingers crossed for a sale soon. :)

Hello Advanced Maternal Age.

As my uterus starts to shut down, and my eggs start to turn into raisins I took the time to reflect on my life.

Does anyone remember on American Idol, a few seasons back when the guy said, "my spirit has been ba-roken"... one of my favorite moments. :)

I just felt, yesterday that my own spirit had been broken.

Remember in the Wizard of Oz when all of her 3 friends have gotten what they wanted and she's so proud of them, and then the wizard comes to her and she says, "I don't think there's anything in that bag for me." (at about 3 minutes in this clip).  Don't you feel so bad for Dorothy in that moment?  She's the leader, the head of her little band of friends and they all got what they were looking for and she's just got a dog.

I mean, I just think that the high school is SO excited to have Drew, he is just what they need.  Drew is excited to go there, it's a perfect fit.  He's excited to go to ASU and he's always wanted to go there....

And I'm happy for him.  Just like Dorothy was for her friends.

But sometimes I am just not sure there's anything left for me.

And then this AM I was reading my scriptures.  This week in Sunday School we're studying Faith, and how Faith healed the people.  I love the statement when he tells them their "faith has made them whole."

The thing is, God isn't the Wizard of Oz, and his black bag is infinite and he has better ballooning skills (note: metaphor going awry).

I think you have to re-covert yourself every now and then.  I also feel like my faith muscle gets TIRED.  I mean, I've been flexing it since March.  You'd think I'd be Arnold Schwarzenegger of faith by now (btw, what a mess THAT is).  Anyway, today I realized that my faith WILL make me whole and that there really is something for me.

I just have to wait.

And get some ruby slippers.  Won't those be cute for the summer?

I'm just getting impatient, and there really is no need.  The job that is right for me is out there, and I'm going to find it.  And the house that's right for me is out there, and I am going to find it.

End of story.

Except the fact that I did have a pretty terrible birthday.  Conner stole the treats that I was planning to use as bribery while Drew was gone.  I got a couple of random un-announced requests to see our house (I love those, just makes me feel like my house should be spotless 24/7).  P hasn't been sleeping.  Drew's gone so it's all me.  There was a giant cockroach on my garage.  Need I go on?  Drew did send flowers, and it's likely we will remain married. :)  But, who needs to celebrate your eggs starting to dry up and blow away...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Hi, I Want To Work For You!

Just got done with my first interview.  Skype didn't end-up working out but we did a phone interview.  Just as well.  I was freaking out about how I'd look on the camera all morning anyway.

SUCH great managers, sounded really nice.  That, of course, is something I'm looking for.  BUT, the hospital is small, and kind of far away.  Just didn't get the vibe that it was the right thing for me.  I wish it was.  I wish so many things lately.

So, here's the deal.  I'm a pretty well trained and advanced labor and delivery nurse.  I have 10 years of really varied experience in labor and delivery with 4 years prior of other varied experience.  I'm kind of the total package.  Problem is, the hospitals that I want to work for don't seem to want to give me the time of day.

Wait, just did the second interview.  Loved her too.  I feel like this one might be a bit more possible.

Anyway, the reason for this post is if you know someone who's a labor and delivery nurse in the Phoenix area (East, is preferrable) can you tickle their ear?  I would love to hear more about the hospitals and maybe talk to their managers and just see if they have a need for someone as flexible as me.

And that is all.  Now for a whirlwind clean of this house and go somewhere with P until the people are gone that are looking at our house.  Such. fun. times.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

What I Like About Being Mormon: International

I think that far too often, being Mormon* gets a bad rap.  Sure, we don't do drugs, drink coffee or alcohol, have premarital sex or any of those things.  But, how many people would agree that there were times that they over-indulged in all of those items in a not-so-harmless way?

There are a lot of amazing things about being Mormon.  It's not just my church, or my beliefs, but it's a culture.  There are words that no one else uses, there are phrases that are commonplace just amongst the LDS. 

So, today's favorite thing is how you can get a group of LDS people in a room and so often there are many languages and loves of other cultures that it's amazing we're all from the good ol' USA.

My husband went on his mission to Korea (Seoul West, I think).  He thinks of himself as 1/2 Korean.  He loves kim-chee, he loves to speak the language and he knows lots about the country.

Go to another household and they may have gone to New Zealand or Africa or my brother went to Oakland, but he spoke Laotian so he got a whole appreciation for not only the diversity of Oakland (which might as well be a foreign mission if you're coming from UT) but also the Laotian people.

I think that most people think of our church as a while Caucasian-centric church who doesn't understand the world as a whole.  But in reality we encompass the world.  Our people have a love of other cultures and beliefs and languages.  I know when the Olympics were in SLC it was great because there were SO many languages spoken that each country felt right at home with their translators and assistants.

Anyway, just one of my favorite things about being Mormon*. :)

*Our actual church name is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but many people refer to us as Mormons... and while I probably shouldn't I obviously like to live on the edge. :)

Today is my Down Dog

I hate it in Yoga where they're like -- now go back to Down Dog and rest.


I hate that pose.  But sadly, after a while I so start to like the down dog.  I mean, I rarely feel like I am falling over in down dog.  I'm not gasping for breath... sure, my arms hurt but I do get a breather.  Nothing wrong with that, right?

So, today I am in down dog.  It's like a "normal" day around here.

NEWSFLASH: the house is listing today.  Our realtor is great, and super well intentioned, but all the sudden I feel like I have 3 kids and living in a 5 star Hotel where we can't touch anything.  It makes me tired to think about it.  If you'd like me to email you the link leave your email below.  I don't want to post it for all the world to see....

Now I've had a chance to really start looking at houses in AZ.  Drew will be there in a few days and I'd like for him to look at a bunch.  Anyone live in AZ who has thoughts?  It seems like the Kyrene school district is the best.  I have heard Chandler schools are good, but I can't seem to find a decent Chandler middle school that is anywhere near Drew's job.

I'd love some input from locals.

I also finished my NRP class yesterday.  I must admit the feat of concentrating on one thing at a time is pretty difficult.  I hope I pass it.  I need to re-learn how to focus.

I have a few job interviews on Thursday which may or may not be my birthday.  It sure would be a nice present for them to adore me like I'd love to adore them.  As I looked at my current job yesterday I got really sad that I'm going to miss that place.  Crazy people and all.

How do you like the new blog font?  Bad? Good?  I am bitter that blogger somehow ate  my new header when I posted it so I had to do some fixing today.  But, life's all about fixing, right?

{kisses for my blog readers}

Monday, May 16, 2011

Moving: Staging

We have 5 people living in a 1200 square foot house.

Newsflash: it's a bit crowded in here, and the last thing you want someone who's buying your house is to feel crowded.

So, about 1/2 of our stuff is going in our garage.  Luckily, we have a garage because if we didn't, it would be an even HUGER pain in the patootey.

I've just taken a room a day.  Somehow I thought the kitchen would be the worst, as we had a ton of stuff on the top of our cabinets.  Turns out, the playroom has made me almost suicidal.  Going through toys, going through kids emotions.  I-YI-YI makes a good Christian woman want to just scream !#&*^)#!%&^!

We also have to leave the edges of our garage clear because we're having a house inspection tomorrow.  Fingers crossed we haven't been the beneficiary of termites the last 7 years.

Unlikely that we're not though.

My arms are going to fall of thanks to Mr. Clean Magic eraser and the hopes that he can save us from our 40 dollar/can paint. 

I really just sit here wondering if my life will EVER be normal.  I feel like I've lived in such a state of flux for so long, and I don't see it ending any time soon.  I try to imagine myself in our new home just lovingly finding homes for all of our things and then FINALLY just flopping on the couch once it's mostly put away.

Will that ever happen?

Frankly, I doubt it.  Plus, I'll be getting used to a new life with all new friends and new routines and new....


I miss my old life.

Maybe it's in my garage....

Friday, May 13, 2011

WAIT, I forgot to mention I got some SHOES

Yesterday morning I got cancelled at work and somehow I had enough time to go shoe shopping.  My summer shoes are sadly lacking, especially in the heels department, and I have been LOVING some of the espedrilles I've been seeing.

So, I got these.  With the great 30% discount I got in the mail it made them only 20 bucks.  Yay!  I think they can easily go dressed up or dressed down.  I love/need that in my clothes.  Sadly, things are usually dressed down. :)

I also got these I thought they'd be great with jeans or something a little more casual, but could still be dressy-ish. :)  Do you like espedrill fashion trend?  I like heels becuase it helps my plantar faschitis.  I'm used to wearing flats, but not only my feet feel better, but I tend to hold myself a little better too.  Win-win.

AND I just happend to stop by the Carpis (because I have one, count them one, pair that actually fit) and I tried on a size ten and it FIT.  Can you even believe that?  Before this started I was a size 20.  Is that 10 sizes?  I am not sure, but either way, what a happy thing!  Screw moving, I'm going to be a fashionista part time. :)  Ok, maybe not.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Ups and Downs

I couldn't stand my header one more minute.  Was it the BEST use of my time?  Probably not, but it was nice.  My favorite part is the moving truck with my logo on it.

Yesterday was such a good day.  I felt like things were going to turn around and fall into place.

Today, not so much.

And yet, there's nothing tangible about it... just a mood or a feeling.

Had to turn down an opportunity today, but I'm just not cut out for full time.  What a shame.  I am amazing.

I am, however, cut out for packing -- I love trying to fit everything I can into a box, like a giant puzzle.

We're tackling the playroom today.  We're just packing stuff up to show the house, but man oh man do we have a lot of crap in this house.  Much of it toys.

Drew is heading there at the end of next week.  I'm not.  Again, feeling left out but there is just SO much to do around here!  I just can't imagine I'd feel good about heading there.  I may go at some point, just not then.

In other news, Conner couldn't be less disorganized.  He's forgotten his lunch twice this week and can't get his homework signed by me if his life depended on it.  I'm blaming myself for that one too. :)

I have also seem some delicious houses, but that is many steps away.  I need to get this one ready to sell first.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Update on our Loan Fiasco

FYI, if you are moving for a job this WILL affect you.  I've talked to at least 15 people, and they will NOT accept your new job without paystubs. 
Sad news, stupid news, dang government.
Anywho, we think we can get an FHA loan because Drew is a teacher.  We will then refinance that once Drew gets his paystubs.  And while that is going to cost some cash, I'm fairly sure it's worth not having to move twice.
If only tears were cash... :)
Just a little part of our governement mess.  So bugged by it {Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have made these rules and they are part of the government so by default, for me, they are one and the same}

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Kind of Freaking Out.

I know, when am I not freaking out, you might ask.  And you might be right. :)

So, we're moving.  We want to sell our house here and then get a house there.  No biggie right?  I mean, my house here is worth almost 3 times what my house there will cost.  Yay! 


Apparently, we really can't move without getting THIRTY DAYS pay from the new job before we close on the new house.


I've now called like 5 places.

I have a call into the local teacher's credit union and they're hoping to get back to me tomorrow.

I mean, there really is just no way that we will work before we move in.  There's just no way.

So, does anyone do home loans, has anyone moved recently, or has a friend who's moved recently that didn't have to do it that way.  The guy on the phone with the teacher credit union said that sometimes, because Drew is basically working for the government they will take a letter stating that he has a job and will be paid X amount, that might be enough.

So, I am crossing my fingers, but I am just feeling so tired by now.

I've had movers come almost every day, I'm so tired of being nice to them and showing them all our stuff.

Work was busy last night, and I'm just tired.  But, apparently I should fly on down to Phoenix and work a month so we can buy a house.  Sure, let me get right on that. :)

So, what would you do?  We're paying movers to get us down there, and the thought of then moving again makes me want to vomit. {sigh}

Present for the Thing

I've really realized that I need to do ONE thing at a time.

I feel like I am splitting myself in 12 lately.  I'm making a door decoration for teacher appreciation and thinking about how to get a job, or a loan, or how to sell our house, thinking about how insane work was and if I forgot to do anything....

Let's face it, my life is insane.

I spent much of the day packing, talking to movers and loan officers and thinking about how in just over a month or two our life will be completely different.

Then I go to work and I do a splash and dash fast delivery.

There just aren't dull moments.

And the truth is, I like it that way but I also really like some down time.

Truth is, I'll have a lot of down time on that trip to Arizona. :)


What do you do when you feel like your mind is in 12 places to help center yourself?  Maybe I need to do some yoga. :)

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Moving: Decisions

I really want to do a series on moving on this blog.  I was kind of searching blogs, just for people who'd moved and how they made the decision and how it all came about, so I'm hoping not to only include my experience for my blog when it's printed, but also maybe to help someone out.

So, we got the pink slip the day before Drew left for Ireland and the school district was "really hopeful" that they'd take it back and all would be well.  Drew left for Ireland and we both promised not to worry about it (and while we mostly didn't, how can you not?).  The entire time I thought he'd just get re-hired until just about Drew came back from Ireland, and my heart changed.

I just knew we were moving.

Then, when Drew came back we continued to get worse and worse news from the school district.  My thoughts were confirmed.  We would, in fact, have to move.  At one point the superintedent told Drew "This too will pass, it's only going to be a hard 5 years of cuts."  {um, hello was that supposed to be encouraging?}

So, Drew applies.  He applies a lot.  He applied to a district where 2 of my VERY good friends that moved from here lived.  I thought for sure THAT would be the one.  I could stay at home, and we'd get a great house.  All would be well.

But it wasn't.  It wasn't meant to be, and while I had a good cry I continuously felt like crying was stupid because there was something out there for us.

At that point, I handed it to God.

That next Monday we got 2 phone calls for interviews in Colorado and AZ.  The AZ guy wanted to interview ELEVEN candidates, which I thought was ridiculous but because it was only 100 more to add AZ onto his Colorado itinerary, we figured it was good experience.  Colorado, on paper looked amazing, but when Drew went to the school it was cold and yucky.  Just not for him.  If you know Drew, you have to know that he's one of the most welcoming, love to help you out and be your good friend type of person.  They just weren't.  They were all about educational standards and blah, blah.  Not a good fit.  Drew went to AZ and he loved it, he loved the pricipal he LOVES the assistant principal, he loves the vibe of the school, he loves the release time seminary building across the street, he loves the band room, he loves the sun, he loves the clouds... well, you get the gist.  He called me like a kid on Christmas.

We learned AZ was only 80%, which just won't work financially.

Hilary, in her mind writes off AZ.

Hilary, in the back of her mind hears "but ASU is right there... ASU, THE school."

Note:  ASU is the school for music professors.  Any of you know Lara?  Her husband went there, and heavens knows I love Lara... and her husband, although I prefer Lara if given the choice. :)  Also, our former band director, and my former bishop Dr. Peterson went there.  They all have glowing things to say about the university and the program.

Drew gets offered the AZ job.

So, I talk to Drew about ASU and he admits that's totally in the back of his mind too.  Drew's wanted to do graduate school for quite some time, and what he wants just isn't available here.  Plus, Drew's an "in class" kind of a guy -- Univeristy of Phoenix isn't his thing (the online thing, not the ACTUAL university of Phoenix, if there is one).

Hilary just can't wrap her mind around the money issue.

{lightbulb goes on} Hilary can work.  And although our dreams were for me to stay at home, maybe that truly isn't our dream. 

I have to admit this was the same way we came to the decision about California.  Drew really liked the school and the area and I sat around crying saying that all my patients would be homosexuals with aids.  Seriously, I remember making that comment.  Judge me all you want.

I find that God's plan for me is often fairly different then my own.  I find that I need a while to absorb things.  I also would have to say that it's harder for the wife to come around because we don't really get the "experience"... I didn't go to the place and just love it.  This change will be hard for me, as I still have a job that I really love, and that job is here.

I also have to say that I found THIS job while searching a board for Texas band directors.  I didn't see it anywhere else, just there.  Is that why I thought Texas was the place, maybe....

I think I'm still in the "coming around to it" phase.  I am worried about the job I'm going to find and how it will all work out, but I am hoping to keep God in charge.  I want to be in an interview and love it like Drew does.  That makes Drew's excitement much more than mine.  For me, my excitement can only be found in real estate pages.  It's hard to be around Drew when he's so excited about how nice they are there and how great the school is.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I have NOTHING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT.  But I'm nice then that {usually}.

I am SUPER excited for a larger house, as long as we can get a loan (short side story -- loan man from AZ said it will be difficult to get a loan as we won't have a paycheck from our new employer yet.  I'm like, how on earth can anyone who moves to a new city get a house then, and he said he'd check into it further -- anyone have experience in this area?).  I'm excited for the people I've already "met" who live there.  I'm excited for friends that I already have who live there.  I LOVE Facebook for all of this.  I have high school friends, and friends who've lived here who are being SO helpful, and Facebook facilitates a lot of that.

Anyway.  Those are my thoughts so far.  And now I must pack some more.  Maybe next week my thoughts will be on staging a house. :)

I do want you to know that this thing is going to be VERY honest.  If you don't want honesty, don't read it.  It's going to show that moving is really hard on a family and a marriage.  Drew and I had a few BIG fights at the beginning of this where we did ask ourselves if we were going to go through this together or not.  We chose to go through it together.  We are a family, we are not perfect, but we love each other very much and we're committed to the promises we have made.  This may just be one of the harder times.  I will say that I am very happy that he has a job that he's excited about, and while that gets me a little excited, I tend to be more of a worrier then an exciter.  In case you couldn't tell.  I feel like my time is coming. :)

Friday, May 06, 2011

Photo Friday: Move it

First moving quote going on right now.  Tired already, and I have like 8 more coming.  Yay.

BUT, before I reveal the big local du moi I wanted to share my favorite video of the week.  It's of P at her birthday party.  Many of our favorite friends were there, possibly as the last "big" occasion at our house.  I love how she just blows out a candle once we're done singing -- no prompting even.  Cute girl.

Love her, love our friends.  Can't believe they're all ours. :)  Wish I could take each and every one with me.  Maybe I can, I'm planning on buying a palace. :)

{drumroll}... I'd just like to share that I am sharing our moving destination here on my blog first, even before Facebook.  Of course, we've cold a couple of other people... but I do love my readers!
Soo... after much deliberation we're moving to Arizona -- the Phoenix area to be more specific  We're not sure exactly when but something in my mind says mid to early July.  Could be later then that, although hopefully not much.

I am still on the job hunt, I need to remind myself it's unusual to get a call the NEXT DAY from someone wanting to hire me, but I could hope.... Trying to remember I gave God the lead on this whole relocation thing.  {deep breath}

Anyway, that's our big news and I need to go pack.  We need to pack up a good portion of our house before we start to show it.  If you know of someone wanting to buy in our area let me know.  They could get it cheap.  Ok, not cheap -- but I think we're pricing it pretty fair.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

It's decided....

Well, Drew accepted an offer today.  He's super jazzed.  This includes a go at his masters degree too.  For him, it's all working out like roses.

For me... well... my white picket fence and me staying home full time is just a pipe dream.  I still need to find a job and I'm nervous I won't find one that works with my schedule.

I am hopeful I will though.

I know God loves me.  I think he might even love me more than him.  Just sayin'

Anyway, I will do a reveal as to the location soon.  I just like holding up the suspense. :D  I'm like that.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

I put the D in Drama

Ok, sorry for the last post.  I'd take it down except I think it's important for all of us to know everyone sometimes feels like that.  I want to make it clear that this is a move we will both decide upon.  Drew's end of the move just happened to fall into place before mine.

And no one likes to be left out. ;)

After I wrote that post I've had about 12 headhunters call me {ew}... and while applying for a night shift job I found out maybe the hours it actually is will work out.

I burst into tears after I got off the phone with the (really nice) guy.

Sometimes you just need something to work out in order to feel like it all might work out.

The Post Where I Now Vent

Remember how I was making so much progress last post.

That's over.

We got an offer.  It's an awful offer and nowhere near what we thought we'd accept except that Drew would like to go to graduate school and maybe this is the path that's supposed to bring.

But I just have to say that I'm tired of my hopes and dreams taking a backseat.  I am now looking squarely in the eye working night shift, but for about 1/3 less then I am making now.  There is a good chance that I should get a "real" job while I'm at it because Drew's benefits aren't great and we'll end-up paying a lot for insurance out of his meager earnings.

I just feel unloved.

I feel like God maybe likes Drew more then he likes me.

I feel just like I did 10 years ago when we came here.  I feel like what I want doesn't matter, and I feel like my dreams of staying home more will always be dreams until my kids are so old that I can't even see them.

I feel tired and I feel like my family is out to get me.

I also had a really crappy shift last night at work and I'm still tired from that.  I'm fairly sure this situation would "hit" me better if I had an inkling of sleep within me.

This isn't to say that I don't love my family and my husband.

I just thought I'd get this out there, because I know a lot of people feel this same way.  I know that life isn't always easy.  I know that we have it about a million times better than most people, so I should stop complaining.

But somehow that doesn't really all help right now.

**Just a reminder that this blog tends to have the highs and lows of my life.  This, of course, is a low.  I am fine, I am still functioning.  I went to the grocery store today and I smiled at people as though things are fine.  Because, in fact, things truly are fine.  Again, so lucky.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Mondy Musings on Progress

By jove, I think this whole awful trial is starting to teach me things.  I am starting to let go.  I am starting to realize what a freeing and good thing that can be.  I am starting to realize that stressing over things does nothing. 

I. am. learning.

I do realize that everything happens for a reason, and I also believe that THIS is happening for a reason, in fact, many reasons.  Sure maybe we were supposed to move, or maybe there is a better job somewhere.  I mean, I hope both of those are true.  But also, I do believe that  truly needed to learn that God has my best interests in heart, and he picks the plan.  He picks the timing, the plan, and the people.

Sometimes I just think about why this could be happening so slowly.  Could the housing market be picking up, could that job just not be posted yet, could the house we're SUPPOSED to buy, not be posted yet. Could the job I'm supposed to have not be available.

Again, there are just so many bricks.

I will say that I bore my testimony yesterday in Relief Society sharing that God indeed loves each one of us SO much.  And currently, that is what I hold onto and what I am so very sure of.  He wraps his arms around me sometimes so tightly I can't help but bask in his love.  I feel so very lucky at those times.

Then, I cried and then everyone bore their testimony telling me it's going to be OK.

and that was moderately awkward....

Because I too know it will be OK.  I am just learning to live with something I don't like -- uncertainty.

So, here's to change (clink with my beer mug)...

{on a second thought, I often lived with people/things I wasn't particularly fond of... maybe I should've learned that lesson a long time ago... and no, if you think this is you that I am talking about, it isn't.)

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Photo Friday: 2 days late for a 2 year old

First off, an Easter shot.  The one of all 3 of them was apparently less then stellar.  But look at our little norseman as she hunts away. She wasn't feeling very well on Easter weekend.  She did love putting the eggs in her bucket though, and eating them, and general tom foolery. :)

This first one is pretty much how my little Easter shoot went.  Spencer kept thinking he could make Paige smile by talking to her.  Conner couldn't keep his fragile little eyes open because there was sunlight.  {sigh}  I had done really well at not yelling at them all week.  That ended about 2 seconds after I shot this photo. :)

We finally tried the ol' count to 3 and open your eyes with Conner, and I think we're all looking at the camera here... even if we're not particularly pleased...

I wish I'd had frilly socks on Miss P instead of tights but it was a chilly day.  When I was done with those crazy boys I did a few of our almost 2 year old.  She's such a poser.  Look at those eyes!

Love those curls on the back of her head.  The top of her hair has issues, but the back.  Well I hope her whole head gets into the curly party sometime soon.

And let's be clear, the girl has a wild side.  She can make you suffer.  Just ask anyone who atteded playgroup on Friday, or Mormon Helping Hands yesterday.  Hello two.

And finally one of the mamma and the daughter.  I thought we needed one with our sweaters.

It was a lovely weekend.  I really enjoy Easter and how we can really think about our Savior and the many blessings he provides us daily, including that of being able to live again. 
And don't forget the cute dresses.  Those are nice too. :)

And a final photo of Mormon Helping Hands day.  We have gone the past 2 years to a nature preserve where we get weeds out of other things that also look like weeds, but apparently that makes them happy so we're happy to serve. :)  The boys were really hard workers, I was really proud of them.  P, not so much... but she tried. :)


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