If you rewind to Hilary of 2006 you’d see a frustrated girl. I wanted to be done having kids. I wanted to pop that last one out and call it good.
I wanted a girl, I wanted her fast — and I wanted her totes adorbs.
Of course — if you fast forwarded to the Hilary of 2008 (two years later) you’d see me and my husband talking about shutting down the baby train. I am extremely careful when I am trying to conceive. No antibiotics, Tylenol only in emergencies, no ibuprofen. Plus, the uncertainty each month was draining. Could we plan a trip? Should we not plan a trip?
Just seemed like life was always up in the air.
During the fall of 2008, I decided that if we didn’t conceive in the month of July or August we were going to be done. I couldn’t do it anymore. Nine months after that my son would be entering Kindergarten and maybe this was a sign it was time to grow up and get a big girl job.
For years prior to that, I’d prayed to have a baby, and my prayers changed to tell God my plan. I hoped it was OK with him.
In August 2009 we found out we were expecting.
By Thanksgiving we knew it was a girl — and I was thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. Yes, I was a boy mom and 100% fine with having two boys — but having a girl was SO exciting. I think we checked her gender almost every shift I worked — you know, just in case. 😉
As an aside, I think I got pregnant by a number of factors
- I took my basal body temp for a few months prior and found out that I am a VERY late ovulator (like day 25). We were aiming wrong.
- We tried to conceieve every other day for the last 2 months of “trying”
- I had lost about 20 pounds — and I think that helped a lot as well — I used this type of book.
If you want to learn more about my infertility journey, as people throw stones in their glass houses at me in the comments you can read it here.
Ok — back to the why’s….
And how now — as she turns 8 this week, I am realizing there were SO many reasons God held her off.
1. I had a horrible pregnancy.
I had glucose intolerance (which would have, likely, been full blown gestational diabetes if I hadn’t lost that extra 20 pounds), kidney stones and my pelvis split. I really could NOT have done it if I had a little person I had to carry around. I had older kids who could actually pitch in and help. It was huge.
2. I did better with long-spaced babies.
Each one had lot of one on one time, and I didn’t have a lot of “everyone home” time — I get overwhelmed really easily by that (it also took a year to get pregnant with #2). I always THOUGHT I wanted them closer together, but I really think this was WAY better for me.
3. I really needed to WANT that last one.
Instead of a “let’s get this over with” mentality — I had a “please send me a baby” mentality. She was my roughest baby and by seeing her as a blessing, I think it helped me get through that part better.
4. She helped me adjust to our big move.
When we moved to Arizona I had the benefit of a little one at home. It’s a lot easier to make friends when you’re going to playgroup and getting together with other moms for playdates. Made the transition a lot easier.
5. Princess P has a bosom friend here in Arizona.
They’ve known each other since they can remember and I swear they are truly the perfect pairing. Whenever she’s here there’s no drama (which is NOT true with other kids) — and even though they are best friends they’ve each been able to branch out and make friends at school (but still had each other). It’s truly the perfect friendship.
6. I stayed home longer.
In August of 2008 I was starting to look at full time work (I have always worked part time as a nurse). Our house was so expensive, if we ever wanted to improve it, I would have to work more. When we got pregnant with her, that search stopped and I stayed home for another 5 years. Just long enough for me to amp this blog up in early 2014.
In reality, without P I’m not sure the blog would be what it is today.
7. She is truly the cherry on top.
I sometimes look at her and wonder what my life would be like without her. She is my mini me — but with a whole lot more sweetness and caring. She is the unicorns and rainbows in the house of teen boys. She has truly made ALL the difference. Especially for me. She brought something into my life that I really needed. I cherish that more, because it almost wasn’t.
While this seems like a pretty self-serving post about how perfect my life is — I really wanted to write this post to people who struggle with infertility.
Yes, your story might not turn out like mine with rainbows and unicorns at the end.
But it is your story. It’s written the way it is for a reason.
At some point, you’ll look back and realize why things were the way they were.
And it’s truly up to us to make it all work when we feel like we’re just standing around and waiting.
I can’t tell you how many childless couples have helped us during our lives. They have come through in ways that others couldn’t. Now that I see them with their own kids I revel in how life is long, and how things change day by day.
If you’re struggling right now. Try to find the good. Serve more, love more — make a difference with those. Everyone struggles. It just comes in numberless shapes and forms.
The beauty truly is being able to help others while you struggle. Because the struggle won’t last forever.