Figuring out how to send kids to college is tough for both parents and kids. What will it feel like when they live in their own place and you live without them?

Today’s guest is my husband and podcast producer, Drew Erickson.

This post was inspired a bit by my College Dorm checklist.

Big thanks to our sponsor, Family Routines. Being in a routine helps your kids get into routines so they can succeed as adults.

Also, be sure to check out practical parenting:

In this episode we talk about 5 tips for parents sending kids to college:

College is for THEM!

How to sleuth in the background while you make them 100% responsible

Do less than you want to do

Provide the needs

It’s a VERY happy thing — how you feel after you shut that dorm door.

The BBC video of the baby bird falling off the cliff.

Other things that might interest you:

• Gifts for 18 year old boys.
• What you can learn from the college admissions scandal
• When College is Failing Your Teen
• A later episode on sending my next kid to college

Producer: Drew Erickson

Check out my other parenting podcasts:

Check out all my podcasts:

Transcript:

Hilary Erickson 0:00
Hey guys, welcome back to the Pulling Curls Podcast. Today we’re talking about sending your kids to college.Today I’ve got five tips on getting your kids out of your house and living in the dorm. Let’s untangle it.

Welcome to the Pulling Curls Podcast. I’m Hilary, your curly headed host on the podcast where we untangle everything from pregnancy, parenting and home routines. I want you to know that there are no right answers for every family and I find that simplifying my priorities is almost always the answer. It’s tangled just like my hair.

Hey Drew, we’re here today to talk about five things to remember when you’re kids Going to college?

Drew Erickson 1:00
Yep.

Hilary Erickson 1:01
Yeah, college. I mean, I was pretty happy to go to college, I have to say Where are you?

Drew Erickson 1:06
Yeah, I was I was ready to leave home.

Hilary Erickson 1:08
Yeah. And so I think keeping a very positive thing spin on things, because you know, everyone’s going to be a little bit anxious but trying to be as positive as possible, I think will help. So my first one is college is for them. Right? I we get so many weird emails from ASU.

Drew Erickson 1:23
But well, that’s true. And some of it is just almost like trying to get a PTA for the ASU and I don’t think that’s necessarily a positive thing. I don’t I don’t agree with that. But it’s always like come to campus come to the I’m not going to college. I went to college, and I went to that college I got a master’s degree. I don’t mean to walk around campus anymore.

Hilary Erickson 1:43
Yeah, I don’t know where much is at the university our kid goes to but I think it’s really important to remember that the college experiences for them it’s not for us to let go relive our college years, although you definitely have a trip down memory lane when they you know, meet the new roommate or stuff like that remembering what things were like for you Yeah

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Okay, so my second biggest tip is while college is for them, you sort of need to sleuth in the background. And so, unbeknownst to him, I was just making sure we weren’t missing any big deadlines because there are big deadlines for college like picking your dorm room or you know making sure your applications and on time you know, not nagging them making them feel like they are 100% responsible for this but at the same time, you’re just like just checking in behind the scenes, not where they notice

Drew Erickson 3:00
Yeah, well, in their experience with deadlines in high school is the consequences of missing those deadlines is much less. So I think most high school students, particularly seniors have a tendency to want to blow off the deadlines. And when they get to college, the deadlines are much more real. So them having some support in that. But being aware of the deadlines gives them a chance to grow and actually be an adult themselves.

Hilary Erickson 3:23
Yeah. And I feel like each year it’s gotten less so our son will be a junior in college this coming fall and each year I’ve had to do much less I don’t sleuth in the background at all, except for when do we need to pay when you need to get your tuition and yeah, and to make sure that he’s signed up for classes. Yeah. Which he does I you know, I think colleges anymore a little bit more on top of that than maybe they were back in the day.

Drew Erickson 3:43
And he’s done really good with things like rent and different payments that he’s that he has to make. He’s actually been quite impressed with how much he’s learned how to take on himself. Oh,

Hilary Erickson 3:54
that’s part of why you go to college for sure. Right.

Drew Erickson 3:56
Exactly. Absolutely. I think it’s a safe testing. For being an adult where you still have some support from home,

Hilary Erickson 4:03
I will say that the moving process to college now they call it cruise ship moving where our son went to school is so easy and like you just get in this line and then you get in this line. And I swear when I went to college, there was just like, you know, you had to go to this building.

And then two days later, you had to go to this building and and it’s it was very simplified and easy for these kids to make the move in as seamless as possible. I felt like so Oh, yes, I was very impressed by by his orientation day, because we were in line, our time came up and

Drew Erickson 4:32
we actually had to schedule time that we were supposed to go I think there was maybe a few people in that same kind of group of people that were at around that same time, but they had stations around where paperwork needed to be signed, and you were there with your parent.

There was some stuff that was with your parent. There was some stuff that was on his own, but it was very well streamlined to get all of the eyes dotted and T’s crossed and put as much of the responsibility on the students and less to do with the parent and I thought that was brilliant. Mentally laid out.

Hilary Erickson 5:01
Yeah. And I feel like that’s more and more of the trend throughout college because they want kids to succeed too, because they want they want to make it look like they create succeed. Absolutely. Okay, my tip number three is to do less than you want to do. Like I wanted to fold all of his clothes and put them in their drawer and make sure that he had his show set up, right.

And that’s what I wanted to do. But the inside of me said, No, this is his room. You know, it’s hard when kids live in your house because it is my house but that was his dorm room. It wasn’t mine at all. And we did like show him how to set up the plastic shelves and some basic things that maybe he didn’t know what to do. And we looked around I looked around with the mom I like he didn’t have any hands so which I hadn’t even thought about before.

Drew Erickson 5:44
Right and we ended up I think having to get a bath mat that was another thing we had to get for him as well. Yeah. Some of that we came in thinking let’s see what other people bring. But some of we just forgot like hand soap and stuff like that. So we did end up having to go to the store for the needs. He picked up a few So we were there, but I was trying to just focus on the needs, right.

And it was things we had the 18 has for his 18th birthday 18 gifts and a lot of those things were very simple thing to kind of get him through the initial start, whether it’s, you know, a simple first aid kit and simple medicine cabinet with some Tylenol, allergy stuff, some real basic things, some basic tools if you needed to fix a small thing in his room or one of his own pieces of equipment, then he had some some access to something to help themselves rather than having to call us and have us come pick him up and take him to the store or something like that.

Hilary Erickson 6:34
Yeah, actually, number four is provide the needs and what drew was talking about his for his 18th birthday, we gave him 18 presents, which sounds like Oh, that’s a ton of money, but a lot of it was from the dollar store. You know, mixing bowl, bandaids, screwdriver.

Yeah, very small things, the needs, and we were just kind of discussing this and we were like our other one turns 18, the February of his senior year. So that’s a long time from when he goes to college, but these things don’t end up taking A whole lot of space, they have a very small box could hold all the things that you really need as an adult. And so I think we’ll still probably give him the needs when he turns 18. Right.

Drew Erickson 7:09
Yeah. And I think it’s important. I think most, they may not be excited about getting those kinds of guests. But I think most seniors in high schools, they’re getting close to that time of leaving home. I’ve got to expect that for the for Christmas or their birthday, or, or major gift days that they’re going to get presents. While they’re not exciting.

They are things that are going to help them make that transition to being an adult and being on their own. Well, after that 18th birthday, you know, then you start asking for like socks for your birthday. It’s just everything’s different once you’re an adult, right, so it’s probably a good way to soften the blow with a frog screwdriver or something. I don’t know. That’s right. Sure.

Hilary Erickson 7:48
Okay. And tip number five is that as a very happy thing, so I always kind of wondered what it would feel like when I shut that door behind me and he lived in his own dorm and I lived in my own house and he didn’t live with me anymore. And I think if I compare it to how it’ll feel like when the baby comes out and what it’ll feel like to look at them, and I didn’t know what I was going to feel like when that door shut. And I have to say that it was one giant wave of relief. I mean, there was all that of like moving and moving. It’s never fun, and it’s always a relief, and that’s kind of done, but he was ready to fly on his own and what a good feeling that is to, you know, have supported him enough that he can make an attempt to fly on his own and then it’s a happy thing.

Drew Erickson 8:26
What do you think? Do we have a favorite favorite BBC documentary where the cliff toiling birds I think it’s in Iceland, or somewhere up in the northern regions of the UK and the baby birds basically get shoved out out of the nest, and it’s a long drop to the bottom but what’s interesting is how well the baby birds survive. Not all of them do but it’s interesting to see the the amount of rejoicing you as a viewer and to some degree, you got to imagine that the the parents of the baby bird must feel themselves that the baby bird sucks. seeds and gets to the bottom fine and, and survives and are able to continue on to the next stage of their life.

Hilary Erickson 9:06
It’s a little bit like that. It’s a great video, I’ll put it in the show notes. But yeah, there they are gonna have bumps on their way down.

Drew Erickson 9:13
Right. And that’s part of the process. That’s part of how they figured out the consequences are real. This is what it is to be a real human being dealing with other real human beings all the time. And it’s messy. It’s messy, sending them your feelings are messy. their feelings are messy.

Hilary Erickson 9:27
Yeah. So those are our five tips for sending your kids to college. If you have one going to college this fall, COSATU, you plan something exciting once they’re finally gone, because you deserve it. You’ve raised a kid that left the nest,

Drew Erickson 9:41
and and they will come back and they will ask for support and for advice that they wouldn’t ordinarily have asked before.

Hilary Erickson 9:48
Yes. And also I have to stop myself from offering that advice, unsolicited. Yep. So it’s hard having adult kids. It’s a hard tightrope. That is a whole other episode but for today, it’s about moving into the dorm. I hope you Have a kid that goes to college someday or moves out. You don’t have to go to a dorm in order to have this same thing. You could definitely move into your own apartment. And that could be a big win for your kid as well.

Drew Erickson 10:09
Yep. I think it’s an important a rite of passage, if you will, for all young people to have to go through.

Hilary Erickson 10:14
Yeah. Okay. I hope you guys like today’s episode. I know a lot of you do not have kids old enough to go to college. And most people don’t have a kid going to college this fall.

But I think it can kind of get your mindset on the idea that someday your kid is going to leave your house and how are you going to help them succeed in the outer world? I know that when we had one go to college, it kind of changed all of my parenting philosophy because it just changes how you parent your kids. So hope you guys liked it. If you’re interested.

I have a whole thing on practical parenting. It’s totally free where you can learn some tips on parenting your kids and I hope to see you inside patchable parenting is in the show notes. Thanks so much for joining us today. I hope we help smooth out a few of the snarls in your life. We drop an episode every Monday and we always appreciate it when you guys share and review Until next time, we hope you have a tangle free day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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Dorm Room Checklist

If you’re looking for more info on college — check out my other posts:

• Helping your child apply for college
• My take on the college admissions scandal
• I also have some other awesome college items in my 18-Year-Old-Boy Gift Guide

I also have an episode of my podcast on sending my kid to college:

Gifts For College-Bound Students

A note from a mom who’s having a hard time letting go:

Filling your dorm room is the STUDENT’S job.  We decided to give a lot of presents for my son’s 18th birthday that would help him adult (things he probably wouldn’t have thought of himself) — but be sure that THEY are the main ones getting these items together.  Remember, now is the time to BE an adult!

My friend Katie has a great post on gift ideas for college students.

Dorm Room Gifts

Here is what I got my son for his 18th birthday (might spark some ideas for you — many of the items are linked to below):

Printable PDF Dorm Room Checklist

College Freshman Necessities

Things to check in your dorm first:

What exactly is furnished, is there (most of these are standard, but you never know)

• Desk
• Bed (with a mattress)
• Fridge
• Microwave
• Dresser/storage options

Once you find out these things, you can start to fill in gaps.  Btw, my friend Katie has a great post on Christmas ideas for college students, you might like as well!

College Dorm Room Checklist for Freshman

Linen Dorm List

• Bedding (sheets, comforter, pillowcases) — be SURE to check the length of the bed (most seem to have Twin XL) — these sheets are a great option, I love the reviews & the price tag!
• Pillow — again, these have great reviews & price.
• Towels — THIS is a great price for 3 piece set

Hygiene Dorm Checklist for Freshman

A lot of these are AWESOME to get at the dollar store, you may even have some of it around the house you can corral together cheaper — I’m sharing links to show you awesome products or what I’m talking about in some cases.

• Nail clippers — the reviews for this set made me want to get them.
• Razor — this set gets great reviews, and I love these to prevent nicks — but something like Dollar Shave Club might be a good investment to be sent to the dorm.
• Tweezers — this seems to be the brand everyone loves!
• Q-tips/cotton balls — be sure to get a container to keep them in (because dirty q-tips do no one any good) — this pack is pretty cool
• Safety Pins — a small container makes finding them easier
• Shower Caddy — this one looks handy (and will prevent mold)
• First Aid Kit — I got him one just like this
• Brush — hopefully they have one…
• Toothbrush/Paste — my son is checking the Quip…
• Makeup/beauty/hair products (I would suggest limiting these as much as possible….

(a lot of these things I corraled from my house, and put in a small container from Daiso — like this one)

Medication Dorm Checklist for Freshman

Unless it’s medication they take frequently, I would recommend getting bottles/pill packs at the dollar store.  The bottles aren’t big, but can be helpful if they are stuck and need some meds asap.

• Benedryl
• Pepto
• Tums
• Hydrocortisone
• Allergy medicine
• Tylenol
• Ibuprofen

Housekeeping Dorm Checklist for Freshman

• Microwaveable bowl — we got this kind because my kid loves ramen and soup.  Cooks in the microwave and you can still have a cool bowl to hold.
• Collapsible Bowl — I got mine one of these because he loves popcorn — thought it might be handy for other things
• Duster — I got a small duster because I am his mom.  Sort of like one of these (great to find at the dollar store — I found mine at Daiso)
• Mr Clean Magic Eraser — gotta love ’em!
• Cleaning Supplies — because I’m not sure how much of a priority cleaning will be I just got him some of these.
• Lint Roller — this one is handy for all sorts of things
• Small broom/dust bin — this one is sized perfectly!
• Screwdriver — one with a few different heads is awfully handy!
• Chopsticks/utensils — yup, because chopsticks are easier to clean….
• Measuring Tape — because my kid is majoring in engineering and “needs” one…
• Scraper — can’t tell you how handy these are, so I sent my kid off with one
• Sewing Kit — I have zero idea if this will get used — but this one even comes with an emergency helper book.
• Dish Towels — they don’t need a ton of them, but these can be used for several things — spills, hot items out of the microwave, etc.
• Flashlight — there’s likely to be at least one power outage…. or a sock behind a bed…. these look pretty handy!
• Hamper/laundry basket — I always had one that doubled up — like this one
• Can opener — always handy, I would get one of these…
• Dishes/silverware — find these cheaply at Target, or Amazon has these that look great!
• Hangers — I love these
• Trash Can
• Shower Shoes (especially if you have a communal shower)
• Shower curtain (I’d get it at the dollar store — but Amazon has a lot of cheap ones)
• Clock — I have an Amazon Alexa in one of these — and I love it.

Oh, and just in case your freshman has a new car — don’t miss the car lover’s gift guide!

Office Supply Checklist for Freshman

• Paperclips
• Binder clips (can be helpful for lots of things) — Amazon has a cool set of all these types of things.
• 3 hole punch — there are awesome cheap ones out there
• Stapler — great ones here
• Scissors
• Power Strip — I’d get one that has some USB power options as well.
• Desk Lamp
• Ethernet Cables
• Batteries

And, my Freshman son’s favorite gift….

a $50 Costco Cash card.  Whether it’s food, or being able to walk in and get a hot dog — since he won’t have his own membership, he’s pretty thrilled (holders of a Costco Cash Card don’t need a membership to purchase at the store).

If you liked this post, you might be struggling with your almost adult too — be sure to check out my practical parenting series and check out my other parenting posts below that.

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We are just coming out of college application season, and since it is almost a full year journey, I am guessing a lot of you are looking to help your son or daughter prepare for college on their own.

I also have an episode of my podcast on sending my kid to college:

Parents and College Admissions

Today I’m going to review my six best tips for helping your child prepare for college applications.

Have them take the PSAT starting as early as they can.

A lot of school districts offer the PSAT at a VERY low cost.  It is the way National Merit scholars are chosen, but you are not taking it to become a national merit scholar (although, wouldn’t that be a great side-effect?).

The reason you want to take the PSAT is to check what areas your child needs to work on.  It gives you an idea that they can focus on as they study for testing in the future.

And it’s pretty cheap.  I think we paid $5 one year, and it was free the next year.  Well worth the time.

Don’t study FOR the PSAT (unless you’re close to being a national merit scholar) but use it as an indicator of future testing.

Parents role in college application process

Look at colleges, see what they want

If there are a few colleges you have in mind, visit them or at least look at their website.  What do they want for admissions?

A few brief things to consider:

• What type of classes?  Many require a foreign language, so that might be something to add to your HS curriculum.  Also check out their math and science requirements, which may be less than your high school’s.
• What testing do they accept for admissions — the ACT or SAT (or many accept either, but it would be a bummer to just take one and then be screwed).  Also, there are writing and science standards they might have to take in addition to the regular testing.
• What are their usual admissions standards — there isn’t a reason to apply if you are far below what they normally accept unless you have extenuating circumstances.

Most colleges offer free tours and their websites offer answers to many questions you might have.

College tours can be great — but again, an out-of-state college may be out of your reach.  Really think about what you want to afford before going on a tour.  Be sure to visit your local colleges first.

Btw, when you’re ready to move in — be sure to check out my dorm room checklist!

Take the ACT or SAT early

I would recommend taking your first ACT or SAT (or both –we did both, mostly to see which one he did better at, and he did markedly better on the ACT, so since our college would take either, he took the ACT a 2nd time) in your junior year.  Preferably, in the fall. The reasoning for this is two-fold:

1. Gives you more time to work on what you’d like to improve
2. Gives you more time to talk to teachers (and hopefully you have one or two that are good for college exam prep) about what they would recommend.
3. It gives you a realistic idea about how they will perform so you can set college sights to the right target.  The reality is that you are unlikely to improve your SAT/ACT by a whole lot, unless you pour a TON of money and time into it.
4. Gives you more time to re-take it (although it doesn’t look like taking the tests more than 2 or 3 times improves your score for most kids)
5. The fall tends to be a less-busy time.  My son took his first testing right as AP Testing was happening, so it was a LOT of testing (but he’d put it off — so there’s that).

Related post: Logical Consequences for Teens

Parent action plan 12th grade

Review test results & inspire growth on their chosen testing

Make sure you LOOK at those results with them.  For them, it’s going to be a number, but when you deep dive into the testing results, you’re going to see specific areas that they could really work on.

Also, I gave an incentive the summer after his Junior Year.  I checked out some books from the library and we found some free websites that he was to work on low areas with during study time (as his younger siblings worked on worksheets and projects).

Something to consider — give them $100 for every point they increase it (or, maybe a dollar/point on the SAT).  That way they have an incentive to dig deep and figure out how they can raise that score.

AND you can maybe get a scholarship to recoup the cost.

My son did raise his by a point and I think it helped a lot in the scholarship he got.  And ultimately, it was well worth the $100.

When should my child apply for college

Offer help, but don’t over-help.

My biggest help was in the testing area because my son didn’t really care what his score was (however, he shares it with anyone who will listen now).

But, when it came down to applications I really felt that was up to him.

My main help was to ask him to get the application submitted a month before it was due.  Each week we’d review when they were due and what he was going to work on to finish them.

If HE wanted to go to that college, he should apply.

**Keep in mind that application deadlines are all over the place, and sometimes schools and letters of recommendations take a LONG time to process — so do it early!

(Sidenote:  I saw a LOT of websites about parents filling out the applications for college and if THAT is what you’re looking for — you’ve come to the WRONG PLACE — kids need to work for what they accomplish, you don’t need to do that work for them!)

I also made it VERY clear that he would not be living with me the next year — and that might not be truthful for everyone.  But, it was for us.  Him moving out needed to happen for a variety of reasons, many of which include my sanity.

What do they want to BE

Work backward.  If I wanted to STUDY I would have gone into humanities.  I loved those classes.  The beautiful music and lovely slideshows of amazing architecture — but I didn’t want to be a museum curator.

What would they like to BE?  They really should figure that out before they invest a lot of money into a college (if they don’t know what they want to be, a Jr College might be a better option as they explore at a lower price point)

A few final thoughts now that we’re done with college applications

I really wanted him to go to a specific college, and when he wasn’t accepted there I was floored, and a bit of a mess.  But in reality, the other one was just where he was meant to go.   I should’ve not gotten my own heart set on his future.  That was dumb.

At first I thought it would be more costly go to where he had planned to go — but in reality, I have a big bill my first year, and after that, I have plenty to help him.

There is NOTHING wrong with attending a community or Jr College for a few years.  I think if he didn’t have a scholarship — we would have looked deeper into that.  It is so much cheaper and in the end, you all come out with a bachelor’s degree, just a lot less debt.

My son also knows what he wants to do, so HOPEFULLY, that stays the same and he’s started on a path to become that.

If they aren’t willing to apply or are unable to get into a college — honestly, that one’s just not for them.  A lot of people work to get into a college that may just be too high stress for them.  See what’s right for you — and then aim for that.

The truth is that I wanted to go to Johns Hopkins Nursing School because it was the BEST.  It was also SO much more expensive than where I did go.  And I would’ve gotten the same job either way, with the same pay.  And we all have the same initials after our name.

I’ve done a lot of research into student debt since he started college.  It is absolutely insane how much in loans a lot of kids carry and then don’t get a job in the career they are interested in.

If you liked this post — be sure to check out my practical parenting series, and check out my other parenting teen posts under that.

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