Inside: This post is going to explore effective consequences for teenagers and how they can improve your relationship with them, while also preparing them for real life. This list of logical consequences for teenagers (even for disrespectful behavior) are the best to prepare them for real life, even when you’re at your wits end.
If you’re reading this post, I am guessing you’re a bit overwhelmed by your life and the people in your life right now. Am I right?
I know this feeling.
Before we get started, I recently did a podcast on negotiating with kids I think you’ll love:
I also have one that I did that talks about what to do when you’re just mad at your kids.
Hi, I’m Hilary — I’ve been a mom since 2000 and I am in the midst of parenting my last teen. I am here to testify that it is confusing, but one of the BEST things you can do is take some time to consider a consequence. No consequences needs to be handed out NOW.
Your first step in controlling some of the chaos is to get into a good routine at your house — Family Routines can easily help you get on the road to smoother days. Join for just a month to get the ball rolling!
Ok, let’s talk consequences!
Consequences for Teenagers
I loved the book Love and Logic. It is amazing for little kids. The idea that kids have to fix their own messes is HUGE for me. It changed the way I potty train, the way I dealt with poor behavior, and messes. It really made me think about the consequences. And me screaming at them was never a natural consequence — even if it comes naturally sometimes.
And I always find that consequences work better than discipline.
But now I have this gangly teenage boy. I have no idea what a natural consequence is for him blowing off his curfew? I just know I’m SO angry and I feel like I can’t change a SINGLE thing with him. Then, we just stare at each other in a control game. It’s awfully fun to have teens.
It’s awfully fun to have teens.
But then he’s also amazing. He’s smart and funny. He’s kind and genuine. He’s really thinking about the world around him and how he can make a difference. Such an exciting time.
It really is awfully fun to have teens.
Another thing that is good for me to remember is that it really is NORMAL to make some poor choices as a teenager. It’s a period of time of learning, so make sure you remember this is NORMAL (like a toddler wetting their pants during potty training). Remember it is normal for older children to have:
- Disrespectful responses
- Mood Swings
- Rude behavior
It is JUST as normal as your baby learning to crawl. It’s not about you.
But, back to the control game. We play it a lot. Me tightening down, him getting mad. It’s awesome. I really thought that returning to love and logic, with the logical consequences might really help me and my teen’s behavior.
Love & Logic for Teens
Keep in mind that a lot of times you’re feeling a VERY hot power struggle. Remember, they may just be doing the behaivor to get in that struggle with authority figures. In the heat of the moment, don’t let that take over. Take a deep breath, have a calm moment and do the right thing with a reasonable consequence. Natural consequences teach them — so hopefully you’re not always having a hard time.
Loss of an Item
Just like if my 4-year-old cut his hair with his scissors, I’d take them away. If he’s on his cell phone instead of doing homework or using it during dinner, it goes away. I have an electronics contract where the house rules are spelled out along with the consequences. It works pretty well. This is a constant fight though. I’d prefer to fight about something else these days. #commentandhelpme! Having really clear rules and consequences (written out even) has REALLY helped on this one). FYI, since cell phones are so much of an issue we also have a time limit set by The Circle. I can adjust that also as a consequence.
My service to him is not mandatory
If someone is consistently rude to me I don’t need to keep helping them, even if they are my child. If he’s regularly rude I pull back my support of him. He can take the city bus home.
I think a lot of the teen angst is the fact that they feel like they are 100% responsible for their own life. They have ZERO idea or choose to not notice that we’re behind them juggling balls to keep them afloat. Maybe stop that juggling for a bit to let them see what happens.
Adulting
If he likes being in charge of himself, he can do it more frequently. When laundry was an issue, I stopped doing it. When lunches weren’t being made I just left him on his own. I needed to be more hands off. It’s a good consequence for him and me.
My job truly is to mother him out of needing me. That needs to start sooner rather than later.
Time for a Break
My teen takes a lot of walks/bike rides and skateboard rides. I bet his hormones are just racing around in that brain of his. He’s somewhat irrational as a 16-year-old boy. Frankly, I need a good cooling off too. Giving kids space is a natural consequence that works.
I DO think that the more natural and logical the consequence is, the more it mimics real life. Creative consequences can be great as well, but just make sure they address the natural consequence of their behavior.
Just like in potty training. Once my kids have proved that they are capable of using the potty and doing it on their own their natural consequence is cleaning up after themselves. That means cleaning up the spot, changing their clothes, and sometimes even helping with laundry. The reason I don’t wet my pants is that I don’t want to change my underwear and pants (or to avoid embarrassment, but somehow that doesn’t work on a 2-year-old).
SO, when my son wants money but is unwilling to do household chores or extra jobs. He doesn’t get to have money. That’s the natural consequence. I don’t go to work — I don’t have money, we get foreclosed, etc. Hence, I keep going to work. It’s a valuable lesson to learn in your teenage years.
List of Logical Consequences for Teens:
Here are a few effective ways to help shape their teenage brain:
- The consequence for a disrespectful teenager — He doesn’t respect me, I don’t respect him. I don’t need to pick him up or cook him meals (you can extend this as far as you want). Disrespectful behaviour is HARD, I feel you on this one!
- The consequence of lying — You can’t trust him. You can’t trust him to stay out with friends, use the car, be in his room alone, use his phone.
- The consequence of defiance — I would say it’s similar to respect. Although, check yourself on what he’s being defiant at — is that worth the fight?
- The consequence of drinking or drug abuse — again, I would say you can’t trust them. So, privileges that require trust would be eliminated.
I recently did a podcast on teens and pornography that really explored dealing with our teenagers on important topics like this (I also have a whole post on talking to them about sex).
How to punish a teenager who doesn’t care
The reality is that they DO care about something. The key is finding that thing. Be it his phone, video games, sports, etc. You have to be willing to be firm and make it logical. Those two are the key.
The key to consequences for teens:
The first step is often saying that you need a little time to figure out the consequence. Sometimes the actual natural consequence is hard to figure out in the spur of the moment. Also, they can ruminate on how they could change this next time. Not knowing if this is a life sentence or just a slap on the wrist for them — sometimes that’s the start of an awesome consequence (not a punishment).
Don’t feel like you need to decide the consequence right away — let them boil a bit inside. This alone can drive teen girls crazy in their own way.
Like most things practice makes perfect. The more you do it, it does start to come more naturally and will make them better adults in the long run. 🙂
OH, and don’t forget to give consequences for GOOD BEHAVIOR. Get great grades, have more time with the things they love. Consequences can certainly be given out in a positive way! This really helps parent-child relationships!
Fist bump to all the moms with teens. Good luck! I wish life was as easy as sleep training at this point. It’s a constant battle between loving the AMAZING human beings that they are becoming and wanting to pull your hair out wishing they were different (or questioning where you went wrong).
I was just reading through a few other articles out there, and I really liked this one. She had a really realistic view of parenting kids and sometimes it’s just nice to know I’m not alone. Remember the important thing is shaping humans into good people who can make the world a better place. Less so is the day to day stuff.
Ok, now that you’ve thought of some ways that you can make things more logical and effective, it’s time to lower your effort at home, so you can focus more on them and their needs. Come join me in Family Routines. I really think moms of teens only need a month, and then you can jump out and put it all to work (or buy for a year to have more time to work on it):
If you’re not quite ready for the full course, join me in Practical Parenting for FREE where I give my 5 best tips for using love and logic with teens (and frankly this is awesome at ANY time, getting good at it early on and through middle school will only give you a new skill you can use for good!).
I’d love to hear your thoughts on logical consequences for teenagers. We moms of teenagers need to help each other, so share your tips and thoughts in the comments.
Lynness says
One of the things that has worked for us most of the time and is logical to boot is that if Mr Freshman doesn’t get his morning stuff (which could include family scripture study) done before he leaves, then OBVIOUSLY he’s not getting enough sleep. So, the consequence is that he has to go to bed when his sisters do that night. Then he’ll be rested well enough to jump out of bed and crank it out. Bonus for me- a well-rested teen is more tractable, and he does have more energy to deal with the day. He hates going to bed earlier, not so much the bed part, but just that he has to work extra hard in the afternoons to get all his stuff done, especially if he has Scouts or something that evening, since he won’t have stay up time afterward. And if he doesn’t get his after school stuff done, he loses his screen time for the next day and his chores/homework etc. start piling up and he has to play catch-up all week instead of having fun…
Hilary says
My main problem is all the darn homework. Plus, he’s in marching band right now. {sigh}
He’s practically as busy as I am. Some nights are going to be late.
Pili says
You would really love the film Screenagers, the middle school PTA did a screening of it for us last month. Some of what you are already doing is in it and it really addressed some real issues kids are and will be facing when it comes to screens in their lives. It could also be a great tool to start discussing with your kids the use of screens, they’re everywhere, unavoidable.. I think it should be shown in every middle school, junior high and high school in the country.
Hilary says
Huh, where woudl I find it now — I’ll have to google it!
Heyzeus Nahtreel says
You should never push religion or scripture onto a child. This is why they think you are crazy and controlling.
Hilary says
Sweet of you to say, you were obviously raised right.
Mary says
Thank you. Couldnt have said it better. We want to raise them to make good decisions for their life. Because scripture is a part of your daily routine doesnt mean they want it a part of theirs. Train them up by example not shoving it down their throat and then punishing them if they dont make it to the morning bible study. We only live once.
Hilary says
We are clearly going to have to agree to disagree on this one.
Milton mommy says
My children have to complete the Faith Formation program in our church. Once they are eligible for confirmation, it becomes their decision to receive the sacrament or not. My children must attend but obviously, you can’t make them participate. Much like telling them they need to join family scripture time. They need to be there, but participation is their choice. I disagree that this is forcing religion on them. Do you consider sending your child to school forcing education on them as well?
Rae says
I love this article. If more parents followed your advice, my job would be so much easier.
Hilary Erickson says
Haha!
Kat says
You are so spot on. I have always tried to use natural consequences but it is now far more complicated with my teen boy. Seems like one day he decided he had all the control of his life and all respect for his family went away. I know he is becoming a great guy but right now it’s hard to tell. Yeah, it’s awesome. He’s awesome. We will get through this.
Hilary Erickson says
Oh man, it’s nice to know other people are in the same boat as me. 🙂
carolyn says
If he could not join Bible study I would take Bible study to him.
Ruth says
great idea , everybody goes into his room and sits on his bed for Bible study. I was taken to church kicking and screaming. I was shown it is important. I was taken to school kicking and screaming. I was shown it was the law. Kids need to see laws and things that are important are going to be followed under your roof. They will have to do so as adults. If we stand for what is right , they will be less confused.
Anonymous Weirdo says
Not everyone has the same beliefs, and you shouldn’t force religion upon a child. That’s like telling your kid that they can’t live their own life. If your kid doesn’t believe in the same things as you do, that’s fine. There’s no logical reason to force your child to be your identical twin.
Charity says
I am so happy and thankful to have found a blog run by a mom with a TEEN! And a boy, just like my family:) Thank you I look forward to more reading!
Hilary Erickson says
Yeah, I wish teen problems were as easy as newborn sleep issues. 🙂
DawnD says
I’m not a parent (yet), but what if a child proves he can control his pottying, doesn’t, and then he refuses to clean himself of his environment as well? Time out? Take a toy away? Honestly curious, as I like the sound sound of this, but thinking through every day practice.
Hilary Erickson says
Id recommend reading love and logic. It helped with consequences a lot. 🙂
Jackie Phillips says
This is great! I love Disney Circle for the ability to turn screens (iPads and phones) internet access etc…off from my phone. It keeps the arguments at bay. I say “5 more minutes and then just turn it off in 5 minutes”.
Secondly, I do appreciate Love and Logic and Positive Discipline. They give us great tools as parents.
I also really appreciated a read by Rebecca Lindenbach. She talks about how she sat down with her parents to come up with consequences together. They talked about everything. I am certain that this autonomy and freedom helps to develop a mature inner voice that can self-regulate as kids get older.
Maybe, sit down and have conversations about how the Word can help guide us. We talk about Jesus as our teacher and the example he set. Instead of forcing scripture time in our household, I will say out loud “this happened to me today and I am having a hard time setting a boundary with this person so I went to the Bible to see how Jesus set boundaries and it was so cool. He wasn’t defensive or reactive, He just removed himself or left”. This opened the door for conversation about things they had learned from Jesus and they were able to give me supportive advice. Sometimes I ask for help because I have an obstacle, it gives them an opportunity to say “let’s see what Jesus did, mom”!
Scripture is so important, and we find that incorporating it into our daily lives and conversation makes it more applicable to real life so they know how to go there as they get older and have their own families.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Hilary Erickson says
i 100% agree that scripture talk weaved into everyday life is the best! 🙂
Madhumita says
Loved ur tips on teenager’s behavioral consequences 👏🏽👌👍
Thank u Laura.
Hilary Erickson says
Glad you liked it!
Lidia says
My stepson recently moved in and just turned 16!!! Let’s just say it’s “awfully fun”
We went from being the cool weekend parents to full time, rules and consequences parents and it hasn’t been easy! Praying for guidance and thankful to have found this blog!
Hilary Erickson says
Ugh! i bet being a step parent is extra awfully fun! Hang in there!
Avery says
im a teen and i find these punishments dont work (mostly bc my parents give out consequences randomly for no reason at all) bc also like most teens by the time we are like 14-15 most of us have gotten into the i dont care stage so i mean… take my phone then ill find a way to get it back with out you knowing. like its where you guys dont even know anything to be honest. i guess the point being- You will, as a parent never know everything or have control over everything.- like if you ground us or say we cant go out… well we’re gonna sneak out. if you take out phone and snoop chances are we knew and deleted anything we dont want you to find so i mean i guess you cant rly win as a “overprotective mom” bc your not overprotective you’re just controlling af
-Avery, 14
Tiff says
Hi Avery, no one likes to be controlled but the rules your parents are setting are helping you learn how to respect rules/regulations that will inevitably be enforced when you are employed and throughout your life. We, as adults have innumerable rules to follow at work and in life in general, just because we don’t have them written out as a guide doesn’t mean they are not there. You need to communicate with your parents instead of deliberately ignoring the rules they are trying to teach you, so when you grow up, you can be self sufficient. You are only hurting yourself with this and your family. If your family is “hands off” and your reacting to this post, well you are in for a hard decade when you move out. When you are employed and deliberately break the rules, you will be fired and unable to pay your bills etc. You will see that the world has much harsher consequences than at home for a teenager.
Nicole D says
We are raising triplet 13 year olds. They are so amazing but there are times when consequences are extremely necessary. I am a teacher who believes in logical consequences which I learned before being a mom. It has really helped. Good luck everyone!
Pulling Curls says
Luck is definitely something we all need from time to time. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you and your family!
Lisa says
Its hard. I have a 15 y/o who has always had an attitude, and has ocpd, is very controlling and always has been. She was difficult when she was 4, had attitude and wanted things her way. Its no different now as a teenager. But her talking back, yelling, screaming for no reason makes her seem like a spoiled child but its mostly her diagnosis and personality. It doesn’t help that Im a bit ADD. It makes things more hard to manage because it requires a great deal of organization and follow through. I have found myself getting so angry. Today I lost it and told my daughter I dont even want to be around her and dont enjoy being around her because she can be so rude. I told her she needs to realize how she talks to others and that people dont want to be around someone who is mean. Even trying to figure out allowance and dealing with smartphone privileges. It was easier when they were toddlers.
Hilary Erickson says
It IS so hard, I agree! Hang in there mama!
Chantelle Wren-Stallard says
I grew up in a house where it was my dad’s way or the highay like he was very controlling and is still is. As a teenager I had a lot of problems because I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions or opions evenwhere my dad was around. I had to his idea of perfect which was 100% in everything at all times if I didn’t I was punished harshly mostly by yelling then I had my phone taken away and not given back for a long period of time. My mum got so fed up with it that she started to sneak my phone into my room when my dad was asleep.
I’m 21 now and afraid to fail because of my dad’s reactions. Teenagers are not perfect what are you going to do if your teenager studied so hard for a test and they still failed.
Pulling Curls says
I’m sorry for the things you grew up with that were so hard. I agree that teenagers aren’t perfect and I don’t expect them to be. If they studies for a test and failed I’d help them work with the teacher to hopefully be able to retake the test and help them study more. My love for my children definitely doesn’t depend on their grades.