Inside: This post is going to explore consequences for teenagers and how it can improve your relationship with them, while also preparing them for real life. This list of logical consequences for teenagers are the best to prepare them for real life.
Consequences for Teenagers
I loved the book Love and Logic. It is amazing for little kids. The idea that kids have to fix their own messes is HUGE for me. It changed the way I potty train, the way I dealt with poor behavior or messes. It really made me think about the consequences. And me screaming at them was never a natural consequence — even if it comes naturally sometimes.
But now I have this gangly teen boy. I have no idea what a natural consequence is for him blowing off his curfew? I’m just SO angry and I feel like I can’t change a SINGLE thing with him. Then, we just start at each other in a control game. It’s awfully fun to have teens.
It’s awfully fun to have teens.
But then he’s also amazing. He’s smart and funny. He’s kind and genuine. He’s really thinking about the world around him and how he can make a difference. Such an exciting time.
It really is awfully fun to have teens.
But, back to the control game. We play it a lot. Me tightening down, him getting mad. It’s awesome. I really thought that returning to love and logic, with the logical consequences might really help me and my teen’s behavior.
It’s never too late to make change in routines, and once you have teenagers it gets VERY apparent they will need some life skills — so parents love this. Get in routines that have your teens helping out more!
Here are my 5 best tips for using love and logic with teens.
Love & Logic for Teens
Loss of an Item
Just like if my 4-year-old cut his hair with his scissors, I’d take it away. If he’s on his phone instead of doing homework or using it during dinner. It goes away. I have an electronics contract where it is spelled out, along with the consequences. It works pretty well. This is our constant fight though. I wish I could find a new one here. #commentandhelpme!
My service to him is not mandatory
If someone is consistently rude to me I don’t need to keep helping them. That means I pull back my support of him. He can take the city bus home.
I think a lot of the teen angst is the fact that they feel like they are 100% responsible for their own life and have ZERO idea that we’re behind them juggling balls to keep them afloat. Maybe stop that juggling for a bit to see how it happens.
Adulting
If he likes being in charge of himself, he can do it more frequently. When laundry was an issue, I stopped doing it. When lunches weren’t being made I just left him on his own. I need to be more hands off. It’s a good consequence for him and me.
My job truly is to mother him out of needing me. That needs to start sooner rather than later.
Time for a Break
My teen takes a lot of walks/bike rides and skateboard rides. I bet his hormones are just racing around that brain of his. He’s somewhat irrational as a 16-year-old boy. Frankly, I need a good cooling off too. Giving kids space is a natural consequence that works.
Honesty: Un-Logical Consequences Happen
My son won’t make it down for our VERY SHORT scripture study in the morning. I’d tried everything I could think of. It was mostly me yelling at him to get downstairs.
So, finally — the consequence is no computer time if he doesn’t come. And frankly, it’s working.
The logical-ness of this one is:
- He likes computer
- I like family scripture study and I think it makes our home more peaceful
- He gets computer time, if I get what I want
I DO think that the more natural and logical the consequence is, the more it mimics real life.
Just like in potty training. Once my kids have proved that they are capable of using the potty and doing it on their own their natural consequence is cleaning up after themselves. That means cleaning up the spot, changing their clothes, and sometimes even helping with laundry. The reason I don’t wet my pants is that I don’t want to change my underwear and pants (or to avoid embarrassment, but somehow that doesn’t work on a 2-year-old).
SO, when my son wants money but is unwilling to do household chores or extra jobs. He just doesn’t have money. That’s the natural consequence. I don’t go to work. I don’t have money. We get foreclosed. Hence, I keep going to work.
List of Logical Consequences for Teens:
- The consequence of disrespect — He doesn’t respect me, I don’t respect him. I don’t need to pick him up, or cook him meals (you can extend this as far as you want)
- The consequence of lying — You can’t trust him. You can’t trust him to stay out with friends, use the car, be in his room alone, use his phone.
- The consequence of defiance — I would say it’s similar to respect. Although, check yourself on what he’s being defiant at — is that worth the fight?
- The consequence of drinking or drugs — again, I would say you can’t trust them. So, privileges that require trust would be eliminated.
I recently did a podcast on teens and pornography that really explored dealing with our teenagers on important topics like this (I also have a whole post on talking to them about sex).
How to punish a teenager who doesn’t care
The reality is that they DO care about something. The key is finding that thing. Be it, his phone, video games, sports, etc. You have to be willing to be firm and make it logical. Those two are the key.
The key to consequences for teens:
The key is often saying that you need a little time to figure out the consequence. Sometimes the actual natural consequence is hard to figure out in the spur of the moment. Also, they can ruminate on how they could change this next time. Not knowing if this is a life sentence or just a slap on the wrist for them — sometimes that’s the start of an awesome consequence. Don’t feel like you need to come-up with the consequence right away — let them boil a bit inside.
I do think the more you do it it does start to come more naturally and will make them better adults in the long run. 🙂
Fist bump to all the moms with teens. I wish life was as easy as sleep training at this point. It’s a constant battle between loving the AMAZING human beings that they are becoming and wanting to pull your hair out wishing they were different. I was just reading through a few other articles out there, and I really liked this one. She had a really realistic view of parenting kids, and sometimes it’s just nice to know I’m not alone.
If you liked this post, be sure to sign up for my practical parenting series. We explore some pretty great topics together.
Lynness says
One of the things that has worked for us most of the time and is logical to boot is that if Mr Freshman doesn’t get his morning stuff (which could include family scripture study) done before he leaves, then OBVIOUSLY he’s not getting enough sleep. So, the consequence is that he has to go to bed when his sisters do that night. Then he’ll be rested well enough to jump out of bed and crank it out. Bonus for me- a well-rested teen is more tractable, and he does have more energy to deal with the day. He hates going to bed earlier, not so much the bed part, but just that he has to work extra hard in the afternoons to get all his stuff done, especially if he has Scouts or something that evening, since he won’t have stay up time afterward. And if he doesn’t get his after school stuff done, he loses his screen time for the next day and his chores/homework etc. start piling up and he has to play catch-up all week instead of having fun…
Hilary says
My main problem is all the darn homework. Plus, he’s in marching band right now. {sigh}
He’s practically as busy as I am. Some nights are going to be late.
Pili says
You would really love the film Screenagers, the middle school PTA did a screening of it for us last month. Some of what you are already doing is in it and it really addressed some real issues kids are and will be facing when it comes to screens in their lives. It could also be a great tool to start discussing with your kids the use of screens, they’re everywhere, unavoidable.. I think it should be shown in every middle school, junior high and high school in the country.
Hilary says
Huh, where woudl I find it now — I’ll have to google it!
Heyzeus Nahtreel says
You should never push religion or scripture onto a child. This is why they think you are crazy and controlling.
Hilary says
Sweet of you to say, you were obviously raised right.
Mary says
Thank you. Couldnt have said it better. We want to raise them to make good decisions for their life. Because scripture is a part of your daily routine doesnt mean they want it a part of theirs. Train them up by example not shoving it down their throat and then punishing them if they dont make it to the morning bible study. We only live once.
Hilary says
We are clearly going to have to agree to disagree on this one.
Milton mommy says
My children have to complete the Faith Formation program in our church. Once they are eligible for confirmation, it becomes their decision to receive the sacrament or not. My children must attend but obviously, you can’t make them participate. Much like telling them they need to join family scripture time. They need to be there, but participation is their choice. I disagree that this is forcing religion on them. Do you consider sending your child to school forcing education on them as well?
Rae says
I love this article. If more parents followed your advice, my job would be so much easier.
Hilary Erickson says
Haha!
Kat says
You are so spot on. I have always tried to use natural consequences but it is now far more complicated with my teen boy. Seems like one day he decided he had all the control of his life and all respect for his family went away. I know he is becoming a great guy but right now it’s hard to tell. Yeah, it’s awesome. He’s awesome. We will get through this.
Hilary Erickson says
Oh man, it’s nice to know other people are in the same boat as me. 🙂
carolyn says
If he could not join Bible study I would take Bible study to him.
Ruth says
great idea , everybody goes into his room and sits on his bed for Bible study. I was taken to church kicking and screaming. I was shown it is important. I was taken to school kicking and screaming. I was shown it was the law. Kids need to see laws and things that are important are going to be followed under your roof. They will have to do so as adults. If we stand for what is right , they will be less confused.
Anonymous Weirdo says
Not everyone has the same beliefs, and you shouldn’t force religion upon a child. That’s like telling your kid that they can’t live their own life. If your kid doesn’t believe in the same things as you do, that’s fine. There’s no logical reason to force your child to be your identical twin.
Charity says
I am so happy and thankful to have found a blog run by a mom with a TEEN! And a boy, just like my family:) Thank you I look forward to more reading!
Hilary Erickson says
Yeah, I wish teen problems were as easy as newborn sleep issues. 🙂
DawnD says
I’m not a parent (yet), but what if a child proves he can control his pottying, doesn’t, and then he refuses to clean himself of his environment as well? Time out? Take a toy away? Honestly curious, as I like the sound sound of this, but thinking through every day practice.
Hilary Erickson says
Id recommend reading love and logic. It helped with consequences a lot. 🙂
Jackie Phillips says
This is great! I love Disney Circle for the ability to turn screens (iPads and phones) internet access etc…off from my phone. It keeps the arguments at bay. I say “5 more minutes and then just turn it off in 5 minutes”.
Secondly, I do appreciate Love and Logic and Positive Discipline. They give us great tools as parents.
I also really appreciated a read by Rebecca Lindenbach. She talks about how she sat down with her parents to come up with consequences together. They talked about everything. I am certain that this autonomy and freedom helps to develop a mature inner voice that can self-regulate as kids get older.
Maybe, sit down and have conversations about how the Word can help guide us. We talk about Jesus as our teacher and the example he set. Instead of forcing scripture time in our household, I will say out loud “this happened to me today and I am having a hard time setting a boundary with this person so I went to the Bible to see how Jesus set boundaries and it was so cool. He wasn’t defensive or reactive, He just removed himself or left”. This opened the door for conversation about things they had learned from Jesus and they were able to give me supportive advice. Sometimes I ask for help because I have an obstacle, it gives them an opportunity to say “let’s see what Jesus did, mom”!
Scripture is so important, and we find that incorporating it into our daily lives and conversation makes it more applicable to real life so they know how to go there as they get older and have their own families.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Hilary Erickson says
i 100% agree that scripture talk weaved into everyday life is the best! 🙂
Madhumita says
Loved ur tips on teenager’s behavioral consequences 👏🏽👌👍
Thank u Laura.
Hilary Erickson says
Glad you liked it!
Lidia says
My stepson recently moved in and just turned 16!!! Let’s just say it’s “awfully fun”
We went from being the cool weekend parents to full time, rules and consequences parents and it hasn’t been easy! Praying for guidance and thankful to have found this blog!
Hilary Erickson says
Ugh! i bet being a step parent is extra awfully fun! Hang in there!
Avery says
im a teen and i find these punishments dont work (mostly bc my parents give out consequences randomly for no reason at all) bc also like most teens by the time we are like 14-15 most of us have gotten into the i dont care stage so i mean… take my phone then ill find a way to get it back with out you knowing. like its where you guys dont even know anything to be honest. i guess the point being- You will, as a parent never know everything or have control over everything.- like if you ground us or say we cant go out… well we’re gonna sneak out. if you take out phone and snoop chances are we knew and deleted anything we dont want you to find so i mean i guess you cant rly win as a “overprotective mom” bc your not overprotective you’re just controlling af
-Avery, 14