Find it here on Apple or Spotify Podcasts

Big thanks to our sponsor Family Routines — because you only have a few years to teach them what they need to know!

Timestamps:

00:00 Enjoying Disneyland with kids, teaching and parenting.
03:22 Parenting: Embrace each day with balance.
06:38 Next week: induction preparations and breaking routine.

Keypoints:

• Introduction to the scarcity mindset in parenting and its impact
• Critique of the “you only have 18 summers with your kids” concept
• Comparison between daily child development and daily parental aging
• Influence of marketing on creating a scarcity mindset, especially by companies like Disney
• Discussion on the real-life experience of repetitive, mundane tasks with children like feeding them Goldfish and chicken nuggets
• Balancing the need to cherish moments with realistic daily challenges of parenting
• Personal anecdote about pushing oneself despite exhaustion to fulfill perceived parenting duties
• Emphasis on the importance of self-care and recognizing limits in parenting
• Observations on social media and culture perpetuating scarcity beliefs in parenting
• Encouragement to find balance between routine and spontaneity in parenting while addressing the next podcast topics on induction preparation and the issue of being too tied to routine.

Producer: Drew Erickson

Transcript

[00:00:00.600] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls Podcast. Today on episode 241, we are talking about the scarcity mindset of parenting. Let’s untangle it.

[00:00:10.830] – Hilary Erickson

Hi, I’m Hilary, a serial overcomplicator. I’m also a nurse, mom to three, and the curly head behind Pulling Curls and the Pregnancy Nurse. This podcast aims to help us stop overcomplicating things and remember how much easier it is to keep things simple. Let’s smooth out those snarls with Pregnancy and Parenting Untangled, the Pulling Curls Podcast.

[00:00:38.890] – Hilary Erickson

This episode of the Pulling Curls Podcast is sponsored by Family Routines. If you want to enjoy your kids more, prioritize what your kids really need to learn, come join me in Family Routines, where we get you prepared to teach your kids and get them to help out more. Sounds pretty good, right?

[00:00:56.280] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, I want to know who started the whole, ‘you only have 18 summers with these kids’ thing. I see it all over the internet, and frankly, I think it was started by children because they’re like, You should let us do whatever the heck we want because you only have 18 summers with us, and you’re going to miss us when we’re gone.

[00:01:14.480] – Hilary Erickson

The reality of parenting is that you only have today with that particular child. Every day, they’re growing and changing. Every day, you are growing and changing. Do your kids ever look at you and think, I only have today with these young parents? No. No child is like, Well, my parents are getting older. Especially no young child. I’m thinking that. But young children are not thinking, Well, my parents are getting older. They’re not going to be able to run down the hill with me forever.

[00:01:40.230] – Hilary Erickson

No, because they’re just enjoying the day. And they’re also trying to get as much out of you as they can. They’re trying to push the boundaries. They’re trying to only eat goldfish for the rest of their lives. At least it seemed like that for me.

[00:01:54.260] – Hilary Erickson

Now, I want to say I do feel like this was started by people marketing. Disney is hard core on this. You only have a four-year-old once, and so you got to take them to Disneyland, right? And in some ways, that’s true. Every time we go to Disneyland, my kids experience it in a different way. I loved seeing our four-year-olds experience Disneyland. I’m not going to say that I didn’t, but my kids also loved going to the park, and I loved going to the park with four-year-olds, too. I love teaching four-year-olds how to read. I’m definitely not teaching my sophomore and high schooler how to read now.

[00:02:25.580] – Hilary Erickson

No one out there is marketing the scarcity of your kids are only going to want to eat goldfish for the rest of their lives. We think that that is going to last forever. When we’re in this tricky phase where kids don’t want to eat anything and they’re just like, No, I just want goldfish and chicken nuggets, we in our minds think this is going to last forever.

[00:02:43.600] – Hilary Erickson

We are never thinking, Oh, I only have 18 years of goldfish and chicken nuggets. We’re like, They’re going to act this way to forever. They’re never going to eat a salad at somebody’s house. They’re going to be on a date with their fiance and be like, Can I order chicken nuggets? We’re never thinking beyond today. Somehow we have to mesh those two feelings.

[00:03:04.140] – Hilary Erickson

I just want to say that there are plenty of times that I’ve looked at a summer and thought, Thank goodness, I only have 18 of these. Summer is tricky. It’s tricky because I worked. We were trying to do fun things, but all these kids were home. I felt like I was getting attacked by ducks. There were plenty of times I was really grateful that I was only going to have to experience that 18 times.

[00:03:22.130] – Hilary Erickson

Here is a news flash. I’m still experiencing that. After college, the kids would come home. There were great parts about it. I would try to remind myself to enjoy it because there were also times that it was miserable and they couldn’t agree, and they started fighting just like they did when they were seven and eight, right?

[00:03:37.880] – Hilary Erickson

Once again, it comes back to the myth of control. The reality is we don’t actually know how many summers we get with these kids, and so we have to enjoy each day while also not taking the scarcity mindset of, I only have 18 summers with these kids. I’ve got to live my very best life with them.

[00:03:54.060] – Hilary Erickson

We have to take a balance of taking care of ourselves while also taking of the kids.

[00:04:00.790] – Hilary Erickson

I remember when I was pregnant with my last baby, my kids desperately wanted to go over to our friend’s pool, and I was so tired. I was just right at that part where it’s just draining everything out of your body, and I was like, No, I’ve got to take these kids to the pool. We only have 18 summers together. We can’t just miss a summer because I’m pregnant, which I should have.

[00:04:21.070] – Hilary Erickson

I was so tired. We were backed out of the driveway, and I ran into somebody on the street. I just didn’t look well enough. He was coming down the street. I didn’t see him coming. I had checked before. Anyway, I ran into him. And afterwards, I was like, Why did I do that?

[00:04:34.150] – Hilary Erickson

I was not taking care of myself. I could have fallen asleep with the wheel just backing out. I was so tired, but I was pushing myself because I felt like those kids deserved to go to the pool that day, when in reality, we could have gone to the pool another day. I could have called them and said, I’m just too tired.

[00:04:50.180] – Hilary Erickson

In fact, the person we were going to the pool with may have actually even come and picked up my kids and taken them to the pool for me. But instead, I was like, No, I want to be there to experience it. I have this scarcity mindset of these little boys are only going to be little ones, right? Smart? No, it wasn’t smart.

[00:05:05.730] – Hilary Erickson

Now, I really try to notice when scarcity comes up in my life. This is probably why I’m noticing it with parenting. I’m seeing a lot of people with back to school posts or whatnot right now talking about how they’re going to miss their kids at college. I think a lot of it is put through marketing people. They’re saying, You got to set your kids up for the dorm right.

[00:05:24.950] – Hilary Erickson

They don’t want to be lacking anything. That’s not true. I want my kids to understand how to be scrappy and make things do. My kids need to understand what lack looks like so that they can manage that as an adult. I have to be really careful with my dollar bills if I’m using scarcity to spend them when in reality, maybe scarcity could be helpful in some instances.

[00:05:47.920] – Hilary Erickson

That being said, it does remind me to say yes more often, unless it involves glitter. No glitter. But it reminds me to say yes more often. I think that can be really awesome, especially in the summer It can feel like, I said before, you’re just getting attacked by ducks and you just want to be like, No, no, we’re just sticking to the routine, guys. We are just reading our books.

[00:06:09.690] – Hilary Erickson

But I think it’s really important to sometimes get out of that routine and do the fun things. It’s always a balance of that. But I think, especially this time of year, as I’m seeing lots of kids going off to college and everyone, Oh, they grow up so fast. Yes, they do grow up so fast, but they also grow up real slow, and we got to take care of ourselves, too.

[00:06:26.870] – Hilary Erickson

I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. It’s just something I’ve been noticing a lot lately. Come find us over on Instagram where we’re going to talk about where you see the scarcity mindset of parenting, where you found it helpful or haven’t found it helpful.

[00:06:38.610] – Hilary Erickson

Stay tuned. Next week, we’re talking about what to do the day before your induction. And the next week, we’re actually talking about being too tied to routine. So it’s on the same topic. So we will see you then.

[00:06:49.960] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks for joining us on the Pulling Curls Podcast today. If you liked today’s episode, please consider reviewing, sharing, subscribing. It really helps our podcast grow. Thank you.

Keywords:

pulling curls podcast, scarcity mindset, parenting, Hilary Erickson, Family Routines, kids learning, 18 summers, parenting reality, children growing, marketing to parents, Disney, Disneyland experience, summer challenges, kids’ food preferences, Goldfish and chicken nuggets, scarcity and parenting, pregnant parenting challenges, self care in parenting, back to school, college kids, dorm setup, scrappy kids, financial scarcity, saying yes to kids, balance in parenting, children growing up, social media and parenting, fun activities with kids, summer routine, attacking ducks, parenting myths

The post The Scarcity of Parenting – Only 18 Summers appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Before we get going, come join me in Practical Parenting where I give some of my favorite parenting tips that have helped me not lose my mind.

How DO you want to parent?

First off, sometimes I just want to look at where I want my parenting to come out of…. I try to think of it as how I’d want someone to treat me in a relationship. I’d like to parent with a root of:

• Love
• Hope
• Trust

However, sometimes I find myself parenting out of:

Tiredness — it can be HARD to parent 24/7. We expect a lot of ourselves, sometimes too much. We get tired, and that’s OK. We just have to acknowledge that’s where this is coming from….

Habit — maybe it’s a rut we’ve gotten into or something our parents did…. it can be really tough to get out of habits. I also find this is a “thing” as kids get older. I’m a run where I don’t allow XYZ — when in reality, they’re getting older and I need to re-evaluate.

To be loved — sometimes we just want our kids to like us. This isn’t a great spot to be in either.

I really try to parent out of love, hope & trust when I get into those ruts. Does that happen to you too? Maybe it’s just me.

I actually had this idea sparked when I had my adult son on my podcast (it’s a great listen if you have the time):

The good parts of fear.

There are plenty of good parts of fear.

We put babies in car seats to keep them safe.

We pick age-appropriate playground stuff for littles because we want them to test boundaries safely.

We talk about consequences a lot, especially with things like sex, to remind kids that they can be really serious.

Fear definitely has a place in parenting. We love our kids, we want them to be safe and happy. BUT, I know that my own fear has often kept my kids from being as happy as they might otherwise.

Signs You’re Parenting Out of Fear

I do think that fear is at the root of MUCH of parenting. I sometimes wonder if it’s always been this way, or if the rise of media, especially social media that has made it worse?

I think sometimes people don’t hold their babies as much as they’d like because they worry what it will turn them into. That type of parenting stays with it (and I know it got me too).

It’s in the future

You’re parenting about something that might happen in the future. Examples of this:

• Eating too many treats will lead to them gaining weight or not having good eating habits as an adult.
• Stopping relationships with the other sex because they might hook up and make poor choices.
• Not allow kids to have a phone because they might look at porn

Do you have signs of any of that happening right now? If not, maybe you let them go down that path a bit to see what goes on.

I’m not saying that you don’t monitor things, but as kids get older you have to give them more “rope”. You’re there to monitor the rope and it helps them know they can handle that rope on their own as they move out of your house.

Based on hearsay

All the fear about kids being taken in parking lots or in Target. People think people are following them, and that they will take their kids.

Then, you see those videos and you get even more paranoid. You won’t let your kids out of the cart to even look at a favorite toy — just in case there’s a crazy person around.

There is a lot of hearsay on the interwebs. Listening to it can lead to us chaining our kids down.

We have a local mall that so many people say “you shouldn’t take kids to at all” because of all the predators out there. Am I cautious when I go there? Probably. But entirely saying any store there is out of the question to a teenage girl isn’t the best option either!

This is a great time to teach our kids to be defensive. To always stay in groups, to talk to an adult if they feel weird about something. Those are great skills to have no matter where life takes them.

It scares you

Are they doing something that scares you? Is it ultimately very unsafe? Or, are they just outside of your comfort zone.

I think that’s true of playgrounds as littles are getting a bit more advanced in their skills. They climb higher. I would get scared… I’ve seen so many broken bones in my time.

But, I’d look at the cushion under them in case they fall, and I’d encourage them to take it slow and that they were doing a GREAT job. Even if me, inside, was dying. I’d often also walk closer so I could grab them should something arise — but I let them do their thing.

How do we apply this to teenagers? (or as kids get older)

We sometimes just have to let them do things that scare us. And I try to look at it like I do when they’re little on the jungle gym.

How’s the cushion? — what is around them to cushion the fall if they “slip” on this one? Can we throw some cushion under them?

Can I get closer? You’re not there to hold them while they do it — but can you be nearby to watch for any times they’re really in trouble? This may mean taking them out for treats or to the mall more often to get them to open up.

Is this a natural progression? It helps when you’ve seen them navigate the lower areas of the jungle gym on their own. You know that they’ve got the strength, and ability to do the higher levels. Is this a natural progression of their skills?

Is the consequence really that big? Often I reminded myself this with grades. If a grade fell, is that really a big consequence? I can tell you that my kids had great grades & test scores, and didn’t get into the college I was hoping they would. I realized that me fearing that wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be. You have to stand back and look at the actual consequence….

Want more tips for teenagers:

• 7 MomHacker Tips For When Your Child Wants to Quit
• Abundance vs Fear-Based Parenting
• Summer Activities for Teens and Tweens: Your summer bucket list!
• Communicating with Kids with Nellie Harden
• The Hardest Parts of Parenting for Me Right Now

Fear can be Helpful

There are LOTS of positive things about fear. I don’t want to discount it.

• We don’t want to see our kids get hurt badly — like a car accident
• We don’t want to see their lives impacted negatively — like teen pregnancy, or jail time
• We don’t want addictions — like drugs, alcohol, or porn.

These are all valid and important.

Personally, I’ve seen parents just do things I thought were just dumb. Hauling kids to their boyfriends house late at night so they could “snuggle” — to me, that just seemed insane. But, we all have our own boundaries.

Ok, so here’s a few steps I go through….

Rooting Your Parenting in Love

I ask myself what I’m afraid of. Is it STD’s, a pregnancy, addiction, problems with mental health, safety?

I talk to my kids about my fears if valid. My kids probably hear more about STD’s than the average kid (I’m also The Pregnancy Nurse®), I talk about addictions I see in other people, and I ask them how their mental health is. I talk to them a LOT (I’m guessing they’d say too much sometimes).

I have faith & hope in them. I am a very church-y person, but I often forget faith. Faith in people, faith in my kid. Faith in ALL The work and teaching I’ve done for all those years. Faith is important. Hope is important. They’re often based in love and I need more of that in my life.

Honestly, this post is just as much for me as it is anyone else.

My church ruled me in fear as I grew-up.

• Fear that God wouldn’t love me if I did something wrong (including wearing a tank top)
• Fear that I’d get pregnant and ruin my entire life (and the life hereafter)
• Fear that I’d become an addict of anything (instead I sort of became addicted in fear).

They never talked about trusting yourself in relationships, or situations. They mostly just talked about fear or crazy consequences.

I don’t want to be that mom. I want my kids to trust themselves. I want to trust them, and I want to see where life takes them, because I think they’re brilliant people.

I also remind myself that some people have gone through those hard things, and have become better people on the other side.

We sow what we reap — and teaching that concept to kids early on has helped me trust them more, and have faith in both myself and them (and God).

I will say that managing my own emotions around all of this requires some margin in my life. When I’m super busy I think that parenting in fear comes in clutch to me.

Routines have been a BIG part about making margins in my life. I’ve also had my kids help out more around the house teaching them about life — and it’s been great. I teach all of that in my course Family Routines, it might be a good option for you! Safe $5 off your first month (cancel at any time) with coupon code MARGINS.

Where are YOU finding fear creeping into your parenting? Tell us in the comments!

The post Signs You’re Parenting Out of Fear appeared first on Pulling Curls.

But then I remember swim lessons….

We had spent 2 summers in swim lessons.  Totally charming her teachers into a random bubble blow and possibly a dunk.  She HATED swimming, and we live in an area where I hear about kids drowning ALL the time.

She absolutely HATED these swim lessons. There were constant tears by her and every other kid..  So many pleas to go potty, so many pleas to get her out.

And then she swam.  And I’ve never seen such pride in a child of mine.  Something she TOTALLY thought she couldn’t do – -something she actually feared.  She conquered it.

I used to have a video in here, but she’s a teenager now, and it’s just not cool to do that. But I can’t tell you the pride that beamed through those kids by the end of the week.

They so desperately wanted to quit, but we knew it was best if they stayed…..

We can do hard things.

Now, not every event is something you can blow in their face and shove them under water and hope they come up with a ring.

Just recently I had a child try out for the school play.  This particular child pretty well thinks he walks on water.  He can do no wrong and is probably the best and the brightest that God ever made.

I do my best to cut him down, but sometimes I forget, and this was one of those times.

He thought for sure he’d be a lead or perhaps he’d just be the director and the teachers would just bow to him. {sigh}

He got a small supporting role — which was actually great for someone his age.

But all heck broke loose.

“MOM, if I can’t be the lead I don’t want to be in it at all.”

{insert fierce mamma dragon eyes}  I couldn’t believe my kid was saying this.

So, here’s a few tips for kids who want to quit:

 Soften the blow

When you see something that might challenge your child, maybe remember to mention this is going to be tough.  Maybe put that birdie in their ear that things might not go according to plan.  

This is my downfall with the play.  In order to get him excited to try out, I talked about the main characters and how fun it would be.  I failed to mention that he’s young and he’s likely to NOT be a main character. #fail

Before we keep going, I gotta give a plug for making thick margins in your life. You often need more “room” in your life to manage thing like this. Getting into routines makes a BIG difference — I’ve found it allows my family to help out more when we’re in routines:

Symphathize

Tell them that life often sucks, things are hard.  I’m pretty sure you could insert a story or two about your own life sucking.  Yes, this is hard.  I can see why you’d want to quit, I might even feel that same way too.  I sure do love you, and I’m sorry you can’t go through this.

Wish with them

I read this in a book once and it’s one of my favorite parenting techniques.  “I wish I was magical and could make it so ________ could happen (or not happen).”  It’s just showing them that it would take an act of magic, which you do not posess.  It’s a favorite standby of my own, it works well with quitters.

Talk about what will happen if they quit

Talk about the real life consequences.  For swimming, it would be that I would find her face down in someone’s pool, dead as a doornail.  She was 3, so I chose not to lean that direction.  

In reality, I didn’t have a quitting talk with her.  I mostly sypathized.  

For the play we talked about how the teacher would feel, and if it would hurt his chances of being in future plays if he was unwilling to play a smaller role.  We talked about how it would look to his friends.  We talked about how he would feel inside when he saw all of his friends having a great time doing it and he wasn’t.

Talk about how great it will be if they don’t quit

For the play we talked about how much fun it would be.  We were able to talk with someone who’d been in these plays before and he mentioned what an amazing time he’d had, even though he was never a lead.  That really helped.

If possible, leave the choice up to them.

After all the talking, I left the choice up to him.  This wasn’t a life or death thing, it was early and he hadn’t committed to a choice that it would really hurt others.  This would only hurt him if he dropped out.  He chose to stay in.  For swim lessons, there was never a choice.  It was me shoving her in the pool area and looking away.  Thank goodness for wonderful swim teachers.

I think that quitting is sometimes the best option.  But I think they need to have the full perspective (as shown above) before they can really make that type of choice.

Follow-up

A week or so after the decision was made, follow-up to see how the decision worked out for them.  This is a key step.  He might want to quit something later, and hopefully I can remind him what a good choice it was to stay in.

**I will say that we’ve had kids drop out of band half way through the season and it is a HUGE issue for everyone involved.  You really need to make it clear all the people they’re hurting by their decision.  They also need to be willing to take whatever consequences it brings.  

Things like a failing grade might come along with it.  Be sure to detail those possible outcomes with your kids so they can see the full picture (something kids are not great at).  Lara at Overstuffed has a great post about quitting music lessons on her blog.  I really like it.

Dealing with a quitter can bring out the mamma bear in so many ways.  Mad because they’re quitting, and mad at the group because you love your baby bear.  And mad because her porridge is always cold.  The key is showing the big picture.  They’re small, they need someone higher-up who knows what the big picture looks like.

Be sure to join my practical parenting newsletter for small parenting tips that can make a difference:

This post was originally written in November 2015, but has been updated.

The post 7 MomHacker Tips For When Your Child Wants to Quit appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Find it here on Apple or Spotify Podcasts

Big thanks to our sponsor Family Routines — the best option to help your family get involved more!

Links for you:

My episode with my son: https://www.pullingcurls.com/podcast-073-teen-tips/

Timestamps:

00:00 Marketing creates fear around cell phones, lacking perspective.
04:34 Monitoring phone use, creating responsible habits.
07:53 Parenting marathon, growing and learning, improving.

Keypoints:

Pulling Curls podcast, fear-based parenting, positive parenting, parenting advice, Hilary Erickson, simplifying parenting, Family Routines, parenting mistakes, church influence on parenting, cell phone safety for kids, social media for children, setting phone restrictions, BeReal app, YouTube Shorts, consequences for children, teenage phone habits, college preparation, managing screen time, understanding technology, clothing choices for children, church dress codes, opposite gender interactions, teen dating rules, co-ed social events, communication with children, parenting challenges, raising teenagers, late-in-life parenting, postpartum preeclampsia, weekly to-do list organization.

Producer: Drew Erickson

Transcript

[00:00:00.770] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls podcast. Today on episode 232, we are talking about fear-based parenting, so let’s untangle it.

[00:00:10.690] – Hilary Erickson

Hi, I’m Hilary, a serial overcomplicator. I’m also a nurse, mom to three, and the curly head behind Pulling Curls and the pregnancy nurse. This podcast aims to help us stop overcomplicating things and remember how much easier it is to keep things simple. Let’s smooth out those snarls with Pregnancy and Parenting Untangled, The Pulling Pulling Curls Podcast.

[00:00:39.100] – Hilary Erickson

This episode of the Pulling Curls podcast is sponsored by Family Routines. If you are looking to get into a routine with your kids so that you can have these kinds of conversations, be sure and join it. It really helps when your kids are helping out more so that you can do the tough stuff of parenting behind the scenes.

[00:00:55.010] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, so I had my oldest come on and tell me all the things that I had done wrong on episode 70 three of the podcast. And after he came on, I really started to think about all the ways that I have fear-based parenting rather than abundance parenting or positive parenting, those type of things. I was parenting, especially with him, in a lot of fear-based areas.

[00:01:18.920] – Hilary Erickson

And honestly, I think that’s very normal for your oldest. Maybe it was just for me. Also, the church that I attend is very fear-based with our kids a lot of the times, especially when I growing up, it was very fear-based. They were afraid of all these different things, including listening to songs backwards, which I don’t even understand as an adult. But that’s where I was coming from, and it wasn’t a great place to parent him from.

[00:01:44.610] – Hilary Erickson

And I just wanted to share with you guys a few of the things that I learned as a mom. And I also wanted to say that I see the marketing, especially around cell phones, and maybe this is the group that I’m in, as extremely fear-based. It is like we are giving our child a gun, literally, and that is what a cell phone is, and that we have to have all these restrictions. It needs to be in a safe, things like that. Whereas our kids are going to have this gun the rest of their lives, and we need to be there to support them, to show them how to use it. It is our job to give them gun safety classes, right?

[00:02:18.790] – Hilary Erickson

By the way, we don’t have any guns at our house. I don’t know why I came on this metaphor, but yes, it’s our job to show them how to use it and not to be afraid of it, because I think we can all agree that our phones are a very valuable tool for us. So I’m really working on being more positive-based or reality-based, like what they’re going to confront with these specific things.

[00:02:40.210] – Hilary Erickson

So let’s head back to phones. I’ve actually had a few episodes on cell phones, and my thoughts on it have evolved with time. And with my daughter, we are a lot less restrictive than we were with my sons, and this in some ways. So I will say that one of our main rules right now is that starting at 14, because that’s the rule on the Internet, is that you have to be 14 in order to be able to put pictures of yourselves and put yourself out on the Internet, at least for, I believe, Facebook and Instagram, you had to be 14.

[00:03:12.850] – Hilary Erickson

So I said, We are not going to lie and tell them that’s not your age. You have to wait until you’re 14. But at 14, you get to pick one thing to be on. And at 14, I said, That is BeReal, which is the app that she’s allowed to use right now. They’re only allowed to take pictures at certain times of day. They can comment. It’s a nice starter version into social media because I will say with her, I am more concerned about all the effects that social media can have on a girl.

[00:03:41.450] – Hilary Erickson

And so starting in this thing where she’s only seeing friends, things like that has really helped me feel a little bit more comfortable in giving her a little bit more leeway with her phone. The other thing that I do is I share what is annoying about whatever she’s doing on her phone. So she could sit on her phone and watch YouTube Shorts for hours, or forever. So she does have YouTube on her phone. It is restricted. I don’t know how they restrict it. We still use the circle in our home, so it’s restricted, like their safe search type thing.

[00:04:11.020] – Hilary Erickson

But when she sits there and waste so much time, I say, You’re not a very fun person when that’s all you’re doing. And she realizes that. And sometimes we just need somebody to point that out. Honestly, Hilary probably needs somebody to point that out some of the time because you start to scroll TikTok or Instagram, you get sucked in. And it’s not usually in a very positive The other thing is having really serious consequences if she doesn’t get her stuff done. So I’m usually like, okay, hang out with your phone for half an hour.

[00:04:38.250] – Hilary Erickson

They’re not allowed to be on phones at school. So I know that she wants some time to just catch up with friends or whatever she’s doing on that phone for a little bit. And then I’m like, At the half an hour mark, then you need to start getting your jobs around the house and your homework done. I don’t want you just sitting at that table continually texting friends or whatever after that point in time.

[00:04:56.660] – Hilary Erickson

And I think, I mean, what a great thing if she does that in college. She gets home from a stressful day. She gets on her phone, decompresses for a little bit, just like we used to watch TV back in the day. And then she gets on with her work. And if we can start those habits now where it’s not forced due to either some filter or how I have her phone set up, if she’s doing that on her own, that’s going to set her up for a huge benefit when she goes to college. And then also pointing out that I have an issue with it, too. So when I find myself that I’m just scrolling, do scrolling on TikTok or Instagram or looking at other people and wishing I more like them, I mention that to her and say, Gosh, I wish I could be different.

[00:05:33.660] – Hilary Erickson

I wish this was different. I wish I made different choices. And we have that conversation together rather than her thinking, You have this scary, horrible gun, and it could hurt you. I’m realizing that both of us are carrying the gun, and she needs to learn how to carry that gun through the rest of her life. Once again, we don’t have a gun. But I’m saying we look at a lot of times these things as they’re so scary when in reality, I love my phone, I love how much I can get done on it. I just need to use it right, and I got to show my kids how to use it right, too.

[00:06:00.680] – Hilary Erickson

A couple other areas where I had fear-based parenting, especially with a daughter, is what she wears. I don’t want her to portray the wrong thing to people. Growing up in the church that I grew up in, that was a big thing. You don’t show your shoulders, your stuff goes to your knee. And I’m letting my daughter pretty much make her own choices as to what she wears. Now, the one thing that I do have on my side is if I’m going to buy something, I need it to reach certain standards.

[00:06:26.930] – Hilary Erickson

I don’t allow specific sayings on the T-shirts. It’s not just covering certain areas. But if I’m going to buy it, I’ll say, I’m not going to buy that, but if you want to buy it, that’s fine. And then we have those conversations about, were you cold? Did you feel like you had to cover up, stuff like that. She’s experimenting with different things, and it’s just been nice to see her make her own choices and realize what she likes and what she doesn’t like, and me not having to step in and be like, Oh, what are you portraying by wearing that outfit? Or whatever I was going to say. I love that she’s making her own choices in this positive parenting, reality-based parenting way.

[00:07:06.200] – Hilary Erickson

Another thing is interactions with the opposite gender. When is she going to date? Who is she dating? Stuff like that. And letting her make her own choices. In regards to that, we do have some basic rules. Usually at our house, we don’t allow people to date until they’re 16, but she goes to co-ed parties. She goes to plays with people of the opposite gender. We’ve talked about it, and I’m just trying to help her see it in a positive way and make good choices early on instead of just being at 16.

[00:07:32.530] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, you can date. You can do whatever you want, apparently, which has happened in a lot of households. So again, we’re just easing her in, trying to show her the good and the bad, but hoping that she’s going to make good choices because we’ve worked really hard on her.

[00:07:44.640] – Hilary Erickson

And I will say the key to all of this is communication. And I just didn’t have the time as much when my oldest was the oldest because I had little kids beyond him. So I just didn’t have the time to talk to him as much as I do this last one. And I will also say that I knew all along it took us a while to get pregnant with our last child and trying to… I knew I was going to have to gear myself up that this was going to be a marathon because our next child is already a sophomore in college, and she’s a freshman in high school. So I’ve got these four years that I’ve got to keep going. I know I’ve seen a lot of parents who just petered out at the end. They were just too tired to really parent that last kid.

[00:08:24.900] – Hilary Erickson

So trying to keep it positive maybe helps me not feel so worn down by parenting and also helps her that she’ll be able to take these things and use them as she grows up and grows older. And I will say that I’m a much better parent by child number three than I was at number one. And I tell number one that frequently. I’m sorry, I was practicing. I wasn’t any good at it. And hopefully he understands that. So how are you fear-based parenting versus positive or reality-based parenting? Come over, tell us on Instagram. We’d love to have a chat about it. Thanks, you guys, for listening.

[00:08:58.430] – Hilary Erickson

Next week, we’re going to talk about postpartum preeclampsia. And then the week after that, we are going to talk about making a weekly to-do list with organizations so you’re not overwhelmed. So stay tuned.

[00:09:09.330] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks for joining us on the Pulling Curls podcast today. If you like today’s episode, please consider reviewing, sharing, subscribing. It really helps our podcast grow. Thank you!

Keywords:

providers, pregnancy and delivery, Julie Kyle, certified nurse midwife, Pennsylvania, hospital bag checklist, nurse with 20 years of experience, four main providers, free birth, risks and unknowns, knowledgeable provider, training and experience, healthcare providers, qualifications, absence of midwives, spectrum of lending, formal education, certification, regulations, lay midwives, fees, value of knowledge, Ma on a little house on the prairie, historical role of midwives, birth centers, home births, Arizona, board centers, certified professional midwives (CPMs), licensing process, number of babies delivered, certified nurse midwives (CNMs), stereotypes about midwives, hospital setting, collaborative practice, integrated approach, terminology, full title, background in nursing, master’s degree, misconceptions about midwives, certified professional midwives (CPMs), licensing and state laws, administering drugs, tasks performed by midwives, obstetricians, education and training for doctors, residency, specialization

The post Abundance vs Fear-Based Parenting appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Big thanks to our sponsor Family Routines — if you’re looking to get into a routine (even working in this type of tricky conversation) — it is the course for you!

Today’s guest is Amy Lang:

Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for over 25 years. With her lively, engaging and down-to-earth style she helps parents become comfortable and confident talking with their kids. Amy’s books, online solutions center and podcast, show parents they really can become their kids’ go-to birds and bees source.

Amy is still married to her first husband and they are getting the hang of parenting their recently launched man-child. She lives in Seattle WA and you can learn more about her work at BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com and BBKPros.com.

The Birds & Bees Solutions Center https://birdsandbeescourse.com – Everything you need to do a way better job at this than your parents did!

Links for you:

How the boner grows on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5XSwr47Xb8

Timestamps:

00:02:47 Start sex education at age five.
00:06:29 Safe Touch vs Unsafe Touch, use books for education
00:12:13 Importance of comprehensive sex education in schools.
00:14:20 Understanding consent and communication for better relationships.
00:17:36 Language correction: Virgin –> first time sex
00:23:46 Prepare for the conversation; get books, read them.
00:26:05 Be open, protect your child, trust matters.
00:29:33 Be open, trust your intuition, don’t follow others.
00:31:11 Boys must take responsibility for pregnancy too.

Keypoints:

1. Importance of discussing values and reasons for waiting to have sex.
2. Emphasizing the significance of being in a loving, committed relationship and being able to openly discuss birth control and STIs with a partner.
3. The confusion surrounding terminology for female genitalia and the importance of using accurate language, like “vulva,” in conversations about inappropriate touching.
4. Approaching sex education as a process, starting with using correct names for private body parts and gradually discussing reproductive anatomy around age five.
5. The benefits of comprehensive sexuality education starting at a young age, as seen in the Netherlands, to develop a healthy, natural view of sexuality and prevent misinformation.
6. The concept of being a little Netherlands, promoting open and accepting attitudes toward sexuality and relationships.
7. The importance of going against the norm if it benefits your children and family.
8. Recommendations for creating a safe environment for discussing sex at home, assessing whether your home is a safe space, and using books like “Birds and Bees and Your Kids” to prepare for the conversation.
9. Encouraging parents to do their own research, read the books beforehand, and address any discomfort to provide accurate and appropriate information to children.
10. The importance of boys understanding their responsibility in preventing pregnancy and the need for boys to take responsibility and always have condoms available.

Producer: Drew Erickson

Transcript

[00:00:00.710] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls Podcast. Today on episode 208, we are talking about the birds and the bees and how to have that conversation with your kids. Let’s untangle it.

[00:00:14.020] – Hilary Erickson

Hi. I’m Hilary, a serial overcomplicator. I’m also a nurse, mom to three, and the curly head behind Pulling Curls and the pregnancy nurse. This podcast aims to help us stop overcomplicating things and remember how much easier it is to keep things simple. Let’s smooth out those snarls with pregnancy and parenting untangled: The Pulling Curls Podcast.

[00:00:42.860] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, guys, before we get started on today’s episode, it is not a child-friendly episode. We are discussing some things that you should talk about with your kids that maybe you don’t want your kids to know about yet. If you have had the whole conversation from start until finish, and I mean, finish, then they would be welcome to listen to this episode, but you just I don’t know. I probably wouldn’t bring my kids into this one yet.

[00:01:07.410] – Hilary Erickson

So today’s guest has been a sexual health educator for over 25 years. She is the owner of Birds and bees and Kids. She has a lot of great information about talking to your kids about this topic. I want to introduce today’s guest, Amy Lang.

[00:01:21.100] – Hilary Erickson

This episode of The Pulling Curls Podcast, Pregnancy and Parenting Untangled is sponsored by family routines. If you are looking to get into routine which makes conversations like this a little bit easier and gives you more margins in your day so you’re not as stressed out, check out family routines. You can find it in the show notes or at Pulling Curls.

[00:01:37.640] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, Amy. Welcome to the Pulling Curls Podcast.

[00:01:41.260] – Amy Lang

Hey, thanks for having me.

[00:01:43.740] – Hilary Erickson

I’m excited to talk about this subject. All my kids love it when I bring up the birds and the bees, but my stories are just scary. So nobody wants to hear the labor nurse’s stories about the birds and the bees. So I’m excited to have you here. I hope you’re not as scary.

[00:02:00.800] – Amy Lang

You know, I have my moments. I have my moments. Labor and delivery is different than… I’m at the upfront end here at the end end.

[00:02:10.560] – Hilary Erickson

I’m like, Let’s talk about syphilis, guys.

[00:02:13.670] – Amy Lang

Yeah. Who doesn’t love to talk about syphilis? I love talking about syphilis. I’d actually just talk to somebody about syphilis. When I explained how it works, they were like… They didn’t know-

[00:02:22.240] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, I have to tell you that I went 15 years of being a labor nurse and had never had a positive syphilis patient. And then probably year 16 or so, we started having some, and now it’s just skyrocketing. It’s crazy.

[00:02:37.210] – Amy Lang

Oh, I didn’t know that. That’s terrible. I’m really sorry to hear that. That’s not a good thing.

[00:02:42.410] – Hilary Erickson

So this is good information to give your kids, guys.

[00:02:45.130] – Amy Lang

Yes, get ahead of it. Get ahead of the syph.

[00:02:47.140] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. Okay. So when do you recommend the parents have that first initial talk? Or do you recommend to have that talk?

[00:02:56.050] – Amy Lang

So what I recommend is looking at this like a process. Just to be clear, most folks don’t start the process when they probably should have. But the real first sex talk is using correct names for private body parts. Saying, when you’re changing your kid’s diaper, that’s penis, that’s travolva, and using the words. That’s the very first sex talk. Then talking about bodies and boundaries and families, and then the ideal time to get to the reproductive, penis, and vagina business is about five. It’s young and people often have a little, maybe tiny or major heart attack when I say that, but let me justify my philosophy. If you look at the Netherlands, where they have the best teen sexual health outcomes in the world, they have several things going on.

[00:03:48.310] – Amy Lang

First of all, they have comprehensive sexuality education starting in kindergarten, going all the way through, so there’s no not knowing, very open culture about sexuality. They see it as a healthy, normal, natural, cool part of life. That combination of things, what that shows us is that kids who have lots of sexuality information from very early until it doesn’t really matter anymore, well, it always matters, they do better.

[00:04:13.290] – Amy Lang

That’s part of the reason I say five. A couple of other reasons I say five. Five-year-olds are really open. They don’t know what we know about sex. They’re not coming into the conversation with syphilis. Sorry, that’s terrible. They’re not coming into conversation with baggage. We know what sex is. We’ve had sex. We know the good, we know the bad. We know the in-between. They don’t know any of that. When you say to a five-year-old, This is how butter is made and this is how baby is made, it’s the same to them because they don’t have all that baggage.

[00:04:45.710] – Amy Lang

The other reason why five is a really good time is they’re starting kindergarten. They’re hanging out with older kids. As you may recall, there’s playground chatter and lots of misinformation. They also just are naturally curious about the world. The cool thing about starting sooner rather than later is that they see you as their go-to person. They know you’re the one. It becomes a normal part of your family life. So when you’re like, Hey, pregnant person. Hey, they got pregnant from… They used a surrogate. That’s not a big deal or talking about syphilis when they’re older.

[00:05:21.790] – Amy Lang

It might be annoying, but they just know that’s how you roll in your family. Then the other thing for me, because  I didn’t know this when I started my company. I was like, Oh, 10. I had no idea. But the other thing is that studies have shown that kids who have open communication from a very young age about sex and bodies and relationships, they are safer from sexual abuse. For me, that was like, All right, five seems young. I’m all in. Those are the reasons five is the time.

[00:05:51.480] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, I actually really like that because also at five you learn that there are parts of your body you don’t show at school, especially. It’s very… and you don’t want to see anyone else’s parts either.

[00:06:03.130] – Amy Lang

Right. Because trouble.

[00:06:05.000] – Hilary Erickson

I think that’s a great idea. I think a lot of people think that the talk needs to be comprehensive. The first one has to be all of the birds and all of the beads. Where it may you just start off with these are the parts of our body. My son calls them the no-no zone. He’s still 19. Somebody told him this is my no-no zone. I was like, Okay, whatever. Anyway, you just tell him where you have a bathing suit, basically, is areas you don’t need shown off, right?

[00:06:37.930] – Amy Lang

Yeah, or share. We used to talk about this in a way that was really negative, like the no-no zone. Now the language you use is safe touch and unsafe touch because there are safe touches and that is like hugging, fist bumping, high-fiving, that thing. Then unsafe touch would be to touching people’s privates or showing each other privates and that thing. Because the reason we need to use that language is because it’s connecting, it’s kind, it’s calm. No-no zone is shame-y.

[00:07:09.870] – Amy Lang

I mean, I have no judgment here at all. It’s hilarious now that he’s 19 and says, No, no, zone. I think just thinking about the sexuality conversation in general, it does start with bodies and boundaries. We always need to be talking about bodies, boundaries, and consent. Yeah, you don’t sit down and lay it all out. The best way to talk to your kids is by using books. The Roby Harris books are awesome. It’s so amazing. It’s comprehensive. It’s sex positive. It’s detailed, so you can read it together. They can look at illustrations of privates, which is a much better and safer place to learn about them than in the classroom or on the playground or wherever you may go.

[00:07:48.250] – Amy Lang

Then the other thing, too, is you’re already reading. It’s a normal part of your family life, so why not throw in some sex books? But don’t do to your kids what we’re doing right now. The rule of thumb is like over their childhood and into their adolescence. It’s like 500, two-minute conversations. So just short, sweet, conversational, fun, goofy. It’s okay to say no-no zone once they know that that’s their penis or vulva area.

[00:08:15.100] – Hilary Erickson

Right.

[00:08:16.100] – Amy Lang

Yeah, I haven’t said the word penis to Milo, he’s 22, since he was probably six. I said tinklewagon, junk, business, no-no zone. Hilarious. Because it lightens the mood and I knew he knew.

[00:08:28.650] – Hilary Erickson

Right. I agree that you can be silly when you talk about those parts. I’m always surprised all the fun words people have for their birth canal. That’s Fabiola, in my Fabiola. I was like, I’m sorry, are we talking about the birth canal when we speak of Fabiola? I was like, Great, let’s do it.

[00:08:48.500] – Amy Lang

It’s really funny. Down there is pretty fab. I know the other thing, too, you know this. Yeah, there’s a vagina down there, but you can’t see the vagina. What you see is the vulva and the labia. So having this language change up. I mean, Oprah did us a real good thing when she talked about the va-JJ. So close, but also so not quite right because the equivalent of penis is vulva, and it means covering in Latin. Vaginas are down there, but it requires work to check it out. It’s a hole.

[00:09:19.400] – Amy Lang

Right? It’s a hole. It’s only part of the whole shebang. That’s another thing saying vulva is really good because it’s a word that not a lot of folks use. If a child is being… Unfortunately, we could go here for a minute. If someone is messing with them and there’s this story about a teacher who said she had a student who, I think that she was seven, who said, Hey, teacher, grandpa touched my cookie. The teacher said, Oh, honey, you should share your cookie with your grandpa. A couple of days later, Grandpa touched my cookie again. Oh, honey, we talked about this. You should share. Then she did it again. Finally, the teacher said, What do you mean by cookie? She pointed to her crotch.

[00:10:01.650] – Amy Lang

If that child had said, Grandpa touched my vulva, what would have happened?

[00:10:05.620] – Hilary Erickson

Bells and whistles.

[00:10:06.800] – Amy Lang

Bells and whistles. Yeah, I know this is a little depressive, but the thing is that when you’re using correct language and you’re talking openly and your kids know that sex is for later in life, it’s not for kids. Also that it feels great and should feel great. When they know that, they’re safer. They’re safer. In our world right now, there’s so much bad information. Good touch, bad touch. There, off the air. You all heard me. You didn’t hear me. Trying to get away from safe touch, not sounding right. All the porn consumption and all that they’re exposed to, it’s really hard on them because they don’t have the capacity to process what they’re seeing, and most families aren’t talking openly about sexuality, so there’s no buffer for that.

[00:10:52.770] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. Side note, I hate the word vulva.

[00:10:55.720] – Amy Lang

I did too, but it’s not as bad as scrotum.

[00:10:59.640] – Hilary Erickson

Nope, I prefer scrotum, moist- I don’t know. I just cannot get over vulva. Moist vulva is like the worst, right? The worst, yeah. Which is pretty much where I spent my entire career.

[00:11:10.040] – Amy Lang

I know. Well, youth. I also hate youth, which you put some of those words together real bad. Real, real bad. Yeah, I mean, people aren’t used to saying vulva. It means covering in Latin. We just have to adjust to it because vagina is not accurate. It’s not what you can see.

[00:11:26.850] – Hilary Erickson

You can’t see. Right. It’s the hole.

[00:11:28.960] – Amy Lang

It’s the hole. It’s vulva. Say labia. If you can’t say vulva, say labia. But vulva, vulva, vulva. I want a T-shirt that says Vendi, Viji, vulva. No one would notice.

[00:11:41.650] – Hilary Erickson

I do not want that T-shirt.

[00:11:43.400] – Amy Lang

Okay. I won’t make you one. I won’t send you one as a thank you.

[00:11:46.460] – Hilary Erickson

I do have to say that it is shocking how many pregnant women I’ve had the we have three holes talk with them because they all think they only have two holes. Because when I put in the catheter, they go, How is the baby going to come out? Oh, boy. And I’m always like, It’s in your P-hole. And they’re like, Right. So does it come out when the baby comes out? And I’m like, Do you think you’re having sex in the same? I don’t say that part. I just draw on the board. We have three holes.

[00:12:12.190] – Amy Lang

So everybody should know, everybody, no matter what your parts are, they should know there are three holes down there.

[00:12:17.720] – Hilary Erickson

We know these people have had sex by the time they see me.

[00:12:21.830] – Amy Lang

Right. They just haven’t put it all together. They might say, I think people sometimes think P comes out of the vagina because they know they have a hole down there and they might not understand. This is why it is so important to save yourself your kids’ humiliation of not knowing what the parts are like. Everybody needs to know about everybody’s parts. It’s not just you know your own. It’s not just that, right?

[00:12:46.850] – Amy Lang

Again, if we look at just the sexuality education, a lot of what we’ve done historically is about prevention. Don’t do it. If you do it, then you got to be safe. We don’t want you getting syphilis. Is this the most time you’ve said syphilis in your podcast? Good to know. We’ve been in this preventive mode, and we really need to change it into preparation. Your person who can get pregnant has every right to know what exactly is going to go down when that happens. I think it also can be a little bit preventative, too, but they should be prepared for this part of life. It is the biggest thing we do. There’s nothing bigger than being sexual and being in relationships and all of that.

[00:13:25.640] – Amy Lang

People get so worried about their child’s, their grades. It’s like, Yeah, getting an A in trig is going to take you so far. Not having any sexuality education or relationship education, that’s going to mess you up. We have this… It doesn’t make sense to me that we don’t focus as much on relationships. It’s broader than just parts and wholes, right?

[00:13:50.850] – Amy Lang

Relationships, sexuality, all kinds of things that are related to this. Yeah, your kids’ grades are important, but they’re not going to take them very far. They might get them into Harvard. Wait, hardly anyone gets into Harvard. But they’re going to be in relationships and a sexual person their entire life. I really wish that parents would make this more of a priority. The easiest way to see how important that is just to think about your own experience. Were you prepared? Has that trigonometry served you in your regular life?

[00:14:23.280] – Hilary Erickson

I don’t know. I mean, it’s all geometry, right? You’re putting a perpendicular line in a par- I’m just kidding.

[00:14:28.650] – Amy Lang

Right, exactly. I mean, you could probably draw a line there, but this is just as important. Like I said, look at your own experience. Did you have what you needed before you had those first romantic relationships? Did you feel confident in your own self and in your body and understanding how things work and having some sense of what you might be comfortable with? Did you understand consent?

[00:14:52.680] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah.

[00:14:53.120] – Amy Lang

I mean, consent is complicated. I’ve had sex with more than one person, maybe more than that. Sometimes I had sex where, sure, I consented. I did it, even though I was like, I did it to get out. It was easier than saying, No, thanks. I was sexually assaulted, but just overall, the choices I made, was that real consent? Did I know what that was? It’s always going to be complicated. But if we’re never talking about it for both partners, it doesn’t matter if everybody has this understanding of what this is, it’s going to go better. People are going to feel better about their sexual experiences being on one end or the other receiving giving or in the relationship. Anyway, so TMI.

[00:15:42.780] – Hilary Erickson

Two thoughts on that. It also has a lot to do with health. I think a lot of people don’t realize how important that body is to your overall health for a long time and how people might ignore a smell or a discharge because they just want to ignore it. Whereas if you brought them up all along talking about discharge or whatever, then that’s just a part of normal life. They would talk about a runny nose, right?

[00:16:10.510] – Amy Lang

Exactly. Yeah. And discharge, again, everybody needs to know about everybody. If you’re a gay guy and your best friend is a gal and she’s like, I got this chunky white business coming out of me, they should be able to say, Oh, yeah. Does it smell? They should already know to be able to help. It doesn’t matter. I mean, just everybody needs to know about everybody. And people don’t know about discharge. As an adolescent, suddenly things get amped up and you’re like, What is this stuff coming out of me? They should know. They should know. I think it’s a fundamental human right, and it is about health.

[00:16:47.130] – Amy Lang

It is about health.

[00:16:47.710] – Hilary Erickson

Although my daughter likes to tell me way too much about hers. I’m like, This is amazing. But I’ve talked about discharge with so many people, we’re going to have a very short conversation about this, and then it ends.

[00:16:58.270] – Amy Lang

How about this? Just only talk to me if you’re worried. Just talk to me if you’re worried, if you have a concern. But if it’s just the typical stuff, you know what? No, thanks. We’re good. That’s a lot of information.

[00:17:11.610] – Hilary Erickson

I was also going to say that… In our family, we do hope that kids wait for a long time. My husband and I, we were virginal when we got married, but we still definitely have these conversations because it’s so much more about when they choose to have sex. It’s about health. It’s about who knows when they’re going to choose to have sex. That’s really their own business. You can’t- Also, it’s appalling. Maybe it’s Arizona, but what is taught in our health classes is completely useless. I could not believe how poorly it is done.

[00:17:45.520] – Amy Lang

I can, but this isn’t my field. You all don’t have a great reputation. I’m just going to give you a language correction. Instead of saying virgin, it carries a lot of shame with it. First time sex is what we say now. Losing your virginity, we try not to say that anymore because of all the shame and religious business that’s attached to it. The first time you choose to have sex, which you said, Yeah, you can’t predict, and the only thing you can do is prepare them.

[00:18:13.370] – Amy Lang

Talking about your values is really important. Why did you two wait? Why was that important to you? As opposed to saying, You need to wait until you’re really… I’ve determined like 25 is about the right time, mostly full brain development. We want to tell you to wait until X, Y, Z. Not because our religion says so, not because you’ll go to hell. Not because that’s what we did. Why is waiting important? Because that’s more concrete and it’s helpful. We said to Milo, we hope that you’re in a loving, committed relationship that this person (he’s straight) is your girlfriend, that you’re able to talk openly about birth control.

[00:18:56.890] – Amy Lang

And one or the other of you, if your partners had sex before, that you can talk about STIs and get tested and you feel comfortable enough with them to talk about all this stuff. And then I said, and 25. We didn’t get 25. But laying it out like that, it makes them think a little bit like, Is this person? How do I know I’m in a healthy relationship? What does that look like? Because that’s more helpful than just this hardcore just wait.

[00:19:22.860] – Amy Lang

And yes, here’s my thinking about terrible sexuality education. I live in Washington, where we have comprehensive sexuality education from kindergarten through high school. Yay, our kids are going to do way better than your kids. But even if it’s terrible, let them go because it’s just fodder for excellent conversations. If you’re already queueing them up, they should know basically everything by the time they start middle school. If they’re off to their fifth grade puberty class and they already know all the things and more, it’s very entertaining for them to be in that class. Then when you look at the curriculum and they’re like, Yeah, that’s bullshit. Here’s how this really works.

[00:20:05.080] – Amy Lang

I know you’ve seen this probably when you were going through your nursing training where they showed you slides of STIs with people with STIs. Remember those?

[00:20:16.410] – Hilary Erickson

It’s painful.

[00:20:17.880] – Amy Lang

It’s painful. They’re so awful. You will never, ever, ever see anybody’s penis looking like that.

[00:20:24.620] – Hilary Erickson

I might.

[00:20:25.830] – Amy Lang

You might. But you’re down there in the business land way more than anybody else is. Values are a huge part of this conversation. No matter how much you talk, your kids are going to do what they’re going to do. Average age of penis and vagina sex is 17. Everybody’s done something with that last name of sex by about 19. I mean, we’re talking like 80-something % of folks. So they’re going to do stuff. And they have a right to be well-informed. They have a right to be well-informed.

[00:20:51.770] – Hilary Erickson

I just figured the school was going to supplement. And one thing I wanted to do was to look at what the school was talking about to make sure that I talked about it all in advance. Because I didn’t go a lot into HIV because honestly, that’s a low concern for me personally because I don’t see a lot of HIV patients. Whereas I do see a lot of chlamydia, gonorrheicifilus. I wanted my kids to know how things like that would get treated and who they could see for it. Then it’s super easy and the importance of antibiotics.

[00:21:24.180] – Amy Lang

Yeah, right. With all that practical information, they still need to know about HIV because it’s still really out there.

[00:21:32.890] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, but honestly, at HIV at this point, I think more, I don’t know. I don’t think of it as a blood… I mean, it is an STI or whatever, but it’s also lots of other ways. I don’t know.

[00:21:43.030] – Amy Lang

Yeah, but everybody needs to know about chlamydia, right? My joke is it’s the common cold of the crotch. You can just sneeze and get it. Did you wave your vulva next to a penis? Okay, sorry. Not to terrify everyone. I’m not a medical professional. It’s incredibly easy to get. Yes.

[00:22:01.290] – Hilary Erickson

The vast majority of charts we look at on the first prenatal visit do have it and get treatment initially.

[00:22:08.020] – Amy Lang

Wow.

[00:22:08.950] – Hilary Erickson

We’re recording this in April, which is National STI Month. Yes, it is. Just fun facts for everybody. I bet that’s not a month you’ve celebrated at your family, kind listener.

[00:22:20.930] – Amy Lang

No, I’m sure not. But maybe you did. Maybe you were in a family that did things like that. I hope not. Let’s have a themed dinner. No, let’s not.

[00:22:31.390] – Hilary Erickson

Like a banner in your house where one month it’s happy birthday, the next month it’s happy STI-free.

[00:22:39.610] – Amy Lang

Sti-free zone?

[00:22:41.170] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. What’s your best advice for a parent who is super uncomfortable with it?

[00:22:47.560] – Amy Lang

My best advice is what we just talked about. To start this process, you got to take care of you. Just thinking about what was missing for you, that’s the first thing. What do you wish you had known? What information do you wish you had known? Would you have made different decisions? Looking at that, what was missing for you?

[00:23:10.190] – Amy Lang

Talking to them, thinking about your values, so it basically comes down to like, What do you hope for your kids? Which is part of this preparing yourself process. I was going to hiccup. Those are two things. If you’re parenting with someone, talking about it, like your values, what do we hope for them?

[00:23:27.790] – Amy Lang

You might be on different pages about the whole thing. I did a talk last night and this couple came up to me and she was like, I need to ask you a question. I’m like, What’s up? I’m looking at this guy and she’s like, Oh, no, he’s my husband. When is it okay for someone to have sex for the first time? I’m like, Sister. I can’t answer that. Then went on to, What about kids having sex at home? I’m like, How old are your kids?

[00:23:51.230] – Amy Lang

Five and nine. I’m like, A, you got a long time to think about this, and b-

[00:23:53.970] – Hilary Erickson

Hopefully not yet.

[00:23:55.270] – Amy Lang

Right, not yet. You need to decide is this a safe place? Is not a safe place? What are the rules in place about that in your family? They did. They were okay. But having that conversation… Now, if you have a five and nine-year-old, don’t worry about the sex at home thing. Just take that off the table. That’s the first thing to get yourself ready.

[00:24:10.440] – Amy Lang

The next thing is to get books. My books, ‘Birds and Bees and Your Kids is all about clarifying your values and figuring out how you want to have the conversation and then tips for having the conversation. Doing some homework yourself. Then the easiest way to start the conversation is to get books for kids. We’ll have them in the show notes.

[00:24:28.840] – Amy Lang

I love Robbie Harris’s books. Then with the books, you need to read them all yourself. They’re going to feel like too much. Just trust me when I tell you it is not too much information. It is virtually impossible for us to give our kids too much information. If you get a sweaty upper lip, you’re in good… You’re in good stead. Then read the books and you will discover that your kids are pretty open to the information.

[00:24:52.880] – Amy Lang

It’s okay to say I’m uncomfortable. I am so uncomfortable, but you need to know this stuff because I want you to feel really great about yourself as a sexual person and have really healthy romantic relationships and then push through. No one will throw up. Promise.

[00:25:08.680] – Hilary Erickson

I actually have a friend whose daughter I think did go throw up after they had the talk at about eight.

[00:25:13.790] – Amy Lang

Very rare. Very rare. Very rare. Some kids are really sensitive. You know your children. But if they say, I don’t want to hear it, or you think they’re too young, you’re not. It’s not their job to decide when this happens. Your kid’s not steering the ship. It’s you.

[00:25:29.550] – Amy Lang

If they say, I don’t want to hear it, you say, I get it. I would have been uncomfortable too, but you need to know. Then the other thing you need to say to your children is this. It’s very fun to be the smartest kid on the playground when it comes to this stuff. It is to be fully information and watching them flounder around and their friends be stupid and you holding the knowing the stuff, it’s really good for their egos.

[00:25:52.660] – Hilary Erickson

Although I always told my kids they could give a fact, but they always should divert them back to their parents. If they were talking about that information, especially in elementary school, because we probably had the talk before most of our friends’ kids had the talk, I was like, It’s not something we talk about on the playground. If somebody has a question, you can answer it, but always send them back to a trusted adult.

[00:26:14.700] – Amy Lang

Yeah, that’s really good advice. I also say to say things like, You know what? We’re really open in our family. You can ask us anything. We’re going to tell you all kinds of stuff, but other people feel really uncomfortable about this, so it’s not your job to tell other kids about this part of life. I also just recommend saying, You could get in trouble. People are really weird about this. Not us. You won’t be in trouble with us, but just so you know. A little of that. Then you just cross your fingers.

[00:26:40.560] – Amy Lang

Your kids are on the playground and one kid says, You know what a BJ is? What’s a BJ? They’re having a BJ conversation. One of the kids says, Well, it’s got something to do with blowing. Well, blowing what? I don’t know, blowing on a dick. Your child’s like, Oh, no, no. There’s no blowing involved. We’re talking fifth, sixth graders here. There’s no blowing involved and then your child cracks. That somehow gets back to you. Your job is to just say like, Hey, I am so sorry they said they had this conversation with your kiddo. We’ll remind them that it is not okay, that it’s not their job, and then that parent is going to do what they’re going to do.

[00:27:20.880] – Amy Lang

Then I just recommend you say, You know what? In our family, we are really open about this because we want our kids to get that information from us, coupled with our values, and it’s just really important in our family. We’ll remind them. Then you just let that parent spin out and do whatever the hell they’re going to do. Because at the end of the day, your kid was right.

[00:27:39.560] – Amy Lang

The other thing that’s happened is that you have established yourself as a trustworthy adult for that other child, which is really important. Because if you’re open with your kids and it’s a good friend of your kids and you’re open and talking about this and they know that if something happens to them, they’re way more likely to confide in someone that’s one-off from their trustworthy adult. So that might be you, which I think is a real position of privilege.

[00:28:02.290] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, position of privilege. The other thing we do is we put it to music at our house. We call it chastity. We have a song of chastity that ends with, Keep it in your pants. With Chastity. Also, if anybody watched Mega Dune, they have a great one about how the baby is made. My daughter loves to pull that up on YouTube and sing it at full bore.

[00:28:23.660] – Amy Lang

Excellent. It’s just fun that way. Music is important. Amaze.org has really great videos for kids that are animated and they’re really funny. There is one song that’s called How the Bona Grows. We’ll put that in the show notes. Yes.

[00:28:37.550] – Hilary Erickson

Wow. That’s a lot.

[00:28:40.090] – Amy Lang

How the Bona Grows. I think.

[00:28:41.950] – Hilary Erickson

You have to tell yourself, Yes, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s probably mostly uncomfortable because of how your parents did it with you. But I consistently think that I want my daughter to have everything better. She recently got her period, and I was just like, It is better than it was when I was a kid. We just bought a period swimsuit because I knew that she wouldn’t want to go through the whole, I want to go to the pool.

[00:29:04.440] – Hilary Erickson

We’re in Arizona. We live in the pool in the summer, and I don’t want to use a tampon. I’m too little for that. It was just miserable trying to do it the first time. I want things to be better, and it all starts with us just making it more open conversation.

[00:29:20.790] – Hilary Erickson

I will say as soon as she got her period, she texted all of her friends, whereas I kept a complete secret. I didn’t want to tell anybody. I’m so glad that girls today are just like, Great, I’m going to be your period buddy. If you ever need help in the restroom, come get me. I’m going to bring extra pads, all this stuff because they were going to camp the next day, of course.

[00:29:42.810] – Amy Lang

Of course.

[00:29:43.720] – Amy Lang

And it’s much better. It’s much better on many, many fronts. My belief is that in your family, you need to be a little Netherlands, which is what that is. Hey, I’m texting everybody. I’m open about it. I’m ready for it. That’s how they roll for all of it. As you know, you’re an outlier. You’re an outlier parent talking so openly about this.

[00:30:07.290] – Amy Lang

That can be a really uncomfortable place. But if you’re convicted that this is the right thing to do for your kids and your family, then do it. Going along with everybody else doesn’t get you anywhere. We’re all adults. We know that. We know what happens when we go against our intuition, our legit intuition. Your intuition saying five is too young, that’s not. That’s something else. If you can get your rational hat on and think about what I just said, five is not too young. It’s better, right, than 15 because I’m sure you’ve had patients. Just out of curiosity, what’s the youngest patient you’ve ever had delivering?

[00:30:43.110] – Hilary Erickson

Twelve.

[00:30:43.970] – Amy Lang

Yeah. I’m not for that.

[00:30:46.280] – Hilary Erickson

No.

[00:30:47.240] – Amy Lang

I am not for that. I’m not for that. 14? No. 16? No, thanks. 17? Nope. Twenty-five? Good. I’m being funny, but we don’t want 12-year-olds to get pregnant. No one does.

[00:31:01.330] – Hilary Erickson

There is just no good outcome at 12.

[00:31:03.880] – Amy Lang

No. Did she parent?

[00:31:06.550] – Hilary Erickson

She kept the baby, yeah.

[00:31:07.650] – Amy Lang

Yeah. I have no somebody who… Same thing, 12-year-old kept the baby. I was like, Okay. I just can’t imagine.

[00:31:17.560] – Hilary Erickson

I mean, she didn’t keep the baby. Her mom kept the baby.

[00:31:19.920] – Amy Lang

Right, her dad kept the baby, right? Her dad kept the baby. Anyway, so you can make it so that your 12-year-old does not become impregnated or impregnate someone, which is my last thing here. If you have a penis, you can make someone pregnant. In the end, you can get someone pregnant. So it is absolutely with your penis havers, you need to make sure they understand that they are absolutely as responsible for pregnancy, more responsible. They can get someone pregnant 24-7 from the time they’re 11 until they’re dead, essentially. Putting all the pressure on those of us who can get pregnant to make the pregnancy not happen, that is not fair. We need to make sure our boys know that they are just as responsible that they need to take full responsibility. They should have condoms all the time until they’re certain whatever, whatever, whatever. There’s a book called Ejectaculate Responsibly, which I highly recommend. It’s so good and it’s about what I just said. You have got to ejaculate responsibly. It’s written by a gal who’s LDS and she’s hilarious and it is so spot on. I can’t say enough good things about that because it does take two to make a pregnancy.

[00:32:24.880] – Amy Lang

The person who can get people pregnant all the time, all the time should be taking a lot more responsibility than they usually do.

[00:32:31.650] – Hilary Erickson

That’s a good point. We only have a few days a month as a lady. Right.

[00:32:36.070] – Amy Lang

We only got a little bit of time there, people. And if you can get somebody knocked up all the time, then how are you going to manage yourself in light of that? Anyway, she makes a whole bunch of different points around it. It’s really, really, really good.

[00:32:46.930] – Hilary Erickson

And every day. They can do it every day.

[00:32:48.970] – Amy Lang

Every day. They can do it three times a day. They can do it more. Anyway.

[00:32:53.120] – Hilary Erickson

All right. Good information. I hope you guys will think about how you can just advance the conversation just one step forward because you don’t have to do… Even at five, you’re not going the whole way with a five-year-old. You’re just one step at a time.

[00:33:09.940] – Amy Lang

I’m going to correct you. Yes, you’re going to go all the way with a five-year-old.

[00:33:13.540] – Hilary Erickson

I’m going to disagree because I don’t think you’re going to talk about.

[00:33:17.190] – Amy Lang

All the things. No, not all the things. Sorry, not all the things. Sorry, let’s just clarify. No, not all the things. But you are going to talk about how people become pregnant. All the ways, all the names or private body parts, the importance of-.

[00:33:30.240] – Hilary Erickson

Hopefully, they already know those because you’re doing it while you change their diaper.

[00:33:34.730] – Amy Lang

You know. You have people who think they have two holes. Come on. If you can just get the correct names out of your mouth, that’s the place to start. Then get a book. Get a book.

[00:33:45.330] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, there are. Just think of it as basic anatomy, just like science. It’s science, guys.

[00:33:51.750] – Amy Lang

It’s science, reproductive science. Remember, how butter is made, how baby is made. Same, same to a five-year-old. Same, same. Yeah.

[00:34:00.300] – Hilary Erickson

All right. Great information. Thanks for coming on.

[00:34:03.590] – Amy Lang

My pleasure. Thanks for having me.

[00:34:05.800] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, I hope this was helpful for you guys. I would say we had the conversation at 8:00. I do think that starting to have it at 5:00 is probably a good plan, especially anymore, because I think more people are having it earlier. Whereas when we had it at 8:00, I would say the vast majority of my kids friends had not had any conversation about it. I’m glad that it’s happening earlier, but also I do think that it’s just a one step at a time process where you’re using the right words and then just giving them a peek at how babies are made and then moving on with your day and then you make cookie dough together. It’s just a part of the day. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

[00:34:42.690] – Hilary Erickson

We have some great episodes coming up. Next week, we are talking about the I have things moms should avoid during pregnancy. And then the week after that, we’re talking about health shares and how to pick if it’s the right plan for you.

[00:34:53.830] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks for joining us on the Pulling Curls Podcast today. If you liked today’s episode, please consider reviewing, sharing, subscribing. It really helps our podcast grow. Thank you.

Keywords:

SEO assistant, sex education, first time sex, losing your virginity, negative connotations, values, waiting to have sex, loving, committed relationship, birth control, STIs, age 25, healthy relationship, comprehensive sexuality education, meaningful conversations, misinformation, nursing training, STIs, female genitalia, vajjay, vulva, accurate language, inappropriate touching, correct names, reproductive anatomy, Netherlands, teen sexual health outcomes, comprehensive sexuality education, kindergarten, healthy, natural view of sexuality, sexual abuse, being a little Netherlands, open and accepting, intuition, young teenagers becoming parents, safe place, birds and bees, Hillary, Pulling Curls podcast, pregnancy nurse, not child-friendly, Amy Lang, sexual health educator, Family Routines, routines, boys, responsibility, preventing pregnancy, condoms, “Ejaculate Responsibly” book, impregnate, “Safe Touch,” “Unsafe Touch,” bodies, boundaries, Roebie Harris books, age-appropriate, apology, trust, academic success.

The post The Birds and the Bees: Navigating the tricky conversations of parenthood appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Note: This post is sponsored by Uber teen accounts. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own. Big thanks to them for helping busy parents rest a little easier knowing their child will not be stranded. I am grateful for services like theirs for our busy families.

Panic sets-in when you can’t pick-up your teen

You know the feeling. You’re busy doing something and realize your teenager needs to be somewhere, and they need you to transport them.

Many parents have limited options, and it’s amazing that we now have something that can save us – Uber teen accounts! Be it sports, school, drama – they can request a ride to get them where they need to go.

For me, I have a real fear that my daughter is caught in a position where she’s uncomfortable and wants to leave, but can’t get a hold of me to come get her. Maybe it’s the mall, or with friends, or even an after school situation that she just doesn’t like. This allows her to have a way to remove herself from those instances with an option we as a family trust, which provides a lot of relief for busy moms of teens.

Options for parents:

We know parents have a village that is helping them out especially when it comes to giving their teens rides… they can be:

• A Neighbor (requires so much planning and coordination)
• Have the kid wait (is staying wherever they are actually better?)
• Another parent
• Take Public Transportation (if available)
• Grandparents
• Getting a ride with a teenage friend who has a license (parent nerves!)
  

But, while many of us have some of those options available, they don’t always work.  Maybe you don’t know anyone on their team yet, or you’re in a city without parents or family help – those parents have emergencies happen too! I’m so glad this is an option.

Creating an Uber teen account

Easily invite your teen to your family profile (you have lots of control)

Click on the person icon labeled “Account” near the bottom of the screen. Then you’ll see “Family and teens” come up. Once you click on that, you’ll be prompted to add your teen along with their phone number to invite them to join the family profile. 

Then, once they install the app, they will confirm that’s them and will need to accept the invitation to be added to your account. 

This does mean that they will have access to your payment methods saved to the app as well (so we set some really clear boundaries)! Each teen ride is paid for using the parent’s default payment method. 

Once they’re in there they can request a ride themselves.

Good news: Get 40% (up to $15) off 3 Uber Teen rides. Valid for the first 30 days for new users in select locations. See app for terms.

Were teen accounts created with safety in mind?

This is always the big question about our kids. Is this really a trustworthy option? We’ve been buckling these kids into 5 point restraints for YEARS and now we just let them in the car with a stranger? Let’s talk about the ways that Uber looks out for them and what enhanced safety features are involved.

Only highly-rated drivers are matched with teens

Only highly-rated drivers are given teen passengers, and Uber protects ALL parents by ensuring that drivers matched to teen accounts have undergone rigorous background checks. That means that the driver has already driven many clients and has been found to be trustworthy through their vetting process. It’s that extra layer we’re looking for with our kids.

Can parents track Uber trips? – Follow them on the app with real-time status updates

You can follow your child in real-time on the app. You can see them get picked up and dropped off in real-time. Makes you feel safer that they’re being taken care of.

Must sit in the back seat (and be buckled)

Teen riders must sit in the back seat and be buckled. This would be a good one to review with them at the time of signing-up on the app to clear-up the fact that dad sometimes sits by the driver when you’re all together, but they need to sit in the back.

I also tell my kids I always sit in the back when possible, it just gives me and the driver some space from each other.

Real time ride sensing monitors their rides for any issues

Uber has a safety feature called RideCheck
that will monitor for any issues along the way. If their ride goes off course, stops unexpectedly, or ends early RideCheck sends a notification to both your teen and the driver to make sure they’re okay. Often, if you need someone to get your kid you may not be able to follow along every minute of their ride – so RideCheck will monitor them for you too.

Uber Age Requirement to Ride

You have to be 13 or older to use Uber teen accounts. Also, your child ages 13 to 17 must have permission from a parent or legal guardian. I added her to my family profile and then she was able to download and join my account.

FYI, in order to get your own Uber account you have to be 18.  

Parents can contact the driver in the app

You can also contact the driver on the app, just in case there’s any miscommunication or issues that arise. Makes that handy for parents.

Unique Pin

Before a teen gets in the car for a trip, they’ll be prompted to give their driver a unique one-time PIN. Drivers will not be able to start the trip until they enter the correct code into their app, providing an extra layer of protection to ensure teens get into the right car with the right driver.

However, I think it’s important to teach kids proper etiquette for their rideshare right off the bat. Make sure they know to check the license plate # and then ask who they’re here for, along with giving the PIN when they accept a ride.

Our Experience with Uber teen accounts

Of course, we wanted to give it a try – so we had my daughter request a ride to a local ice cream place (we wanted to do a trial trip somewhere when she was calm and not nervous).

Initially, I struggled to navigate the app, but once I refreshed, I was able to use the live trip tracking feature under “Activity.” I could see when she was waiting to be picked up as well as when she was headed home – I could track her the whole way. It also gave me the option to contact 911 or call safety support at any point along the way.

Here is what my screen looked like:

This is what you tap on to see that:

The process was super smooth. They confirmed her name and then asked for the unique pin to start the ride. Once the driver confirmed all details were a match, they were off, and I could see her along the way!

A few things I wondered:

Was it more expensive than a “regular” trip: No, I looked up how much it cost for me to take a trip right then and it was the same amount.

How was her driver: Both of her drivers were close to 5 stars and obviously had done lots of trips.

She said it was easy peasy, and she would be willing to do it if she ever found herself in a situation she needed away from (but couldn’t get hold of me).

Discuss Using Uber With Your Teen Before Set-Up

I would definitely recommend having a discussion with your teen while you are setting up their end of the account. Things to consider during this time are:

• Who pays for the ride – the parent
• Times it would be appropriate to use it
• How to safely use it
• How the drivers can have audio recording on their end for both of their safety so they need to be aware of that
• Can they bring friends (one other person over the age of 13 is allowed on the ride).

How you can use Uber teen accounts:

There are a few ways that you can use Uber teen accounts:

After school program transportation

Don’t let your kids miss out on their beloved after-school activities because you can’t make pick-up at the random after-school times.  

Your ride to school service

Have a late night shift or an early morning meeting – Uber teen accounts can help get children to school drop off!

How to pick up a kid from school when working?

Can’t make pick-up? Uber can help! These before and after school transportation services just make a difference when parents can’t do it themselves. Remember both YOU or your child can trigger the ride for them.

Teach Kids how to Use Uber Effectively

Make sure you are doing this service for your child as they embark on using rideshare services on their own. I see a lot of adults using Uber without going the extra mile to take necessary precautions… so make sure that they know to:

• Match License Plates
• Ask the driver who they are here for (don’t give your name first)
• Use the PIN as provided with Uber teen accounts.

And, make sure that you are modeling this behavior as you use Uber when you take trips with your teen. We’ve gotten to the point that when I pull-up after drama club my daughter says “Who are you here for?” just to be that teenager – but I’m glad she knows. This is definitely not meant to be your ONLY kid transportation, but it is there if you need it.

What do you think – would you use Uber for teenagers? I think it’s a great option!  Remember you can get 40% (up to $15) off 3 Uber Teen rides, valid for the first 30 days for new users in select locations. See app for terms.

The post Using Uber teen accounts for Back To School appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Of course, my favorite activity is reading, which is why I came up with Teen reading bingo (complete with prizes that I talk about in that post) — you can grab it here:

I also did a podcast where I interviewed a teen author in ways to get kids to read more during the summer (includes some GREAT book recommendations)

Buuut… sometimes you need more than a reading bingo sheet #amIright? With an 11 year old and a 16 year old, I needed some good idea to keeps spirits eye, bodies active and trying new things.

So, I’ve come-up with a dozen activities that my kids have been enjoying that are out of our “norm” and your kids might enjoy too!

A note on teenage angst:

You will likely get a LOT of pushback when you suggest activities. You have to realize their summer bucket list is hanging with friends and doing things on screens. However, just tell them to put down the screens and come try them.

The key to these, I find — is for me to get involved as well. Yup, I’m out there playing kickball pickleball and badminton. we made bulls eyes for our bow and arrows and we have had a good time (but there have been periods of attitude which we discuss afterwards).

A lot of these may seem like “little kid” activities, but let teens do them in their own way. They can still craft and do things and have fun (they may have just forgotten that).

BTW, don’t forget that having fun as a MOM is important too!

I have also found being on a schedule to help my kids (it doesn’t help all of them, but I think it helps a lot of them) so that they know what time they CAN be on screens).

Don’t forget a summer job can be a GREAT option for older kids. Even just 20 hours a week gives them some good money, and allows them to still enjoy time with friends.

Looking for more tips on teens — be sure to check out these posts:

• Using Uber teen accounts for Back To School
• Consequences for Teens: A list of logical consequences for their actions
• Boston With Teenagers: Family Travel in Beantown
• Preventing Porn Addiction in Teens with Stephen Moore from The PBSE Podcast
• Tips for Raising Teenagers with my 20 Year Old Son

Activities for Teens to Do During Summer

BTW, I separated them into both outdoor and indoor activities (that link will send you right to the indoor ones).

Outdoor Activities

Kick ball

Kick ball is a classic game that can easily be done in a park. You can use cones as base replacements.  This ball is sturdy just like the playground balls you remember!

Goodminton

Goodminton is a combination of badminton and ping pong that is easy to clean up once you’re done.

Zing Bow and Arrows

Zing Bow and Arrows are fun to do target shooting with and maybe even battle one another.

Trac Ball

Trac ball is a game where you can chuck plastic at your friends at increasingly high speeds. This thing is a bit expensive, but fun (and sturdy).

Badminton

Badminton is a good Cul-de-Sac Sport for tweens to let off some competitive edge, and you don’t need a net to have fun! We got ours on Costco, but these ones are good too!

Water guns

Water guns are a classic way to beat the summer heat.

Indoor Teen Activities

Doodle/Tinker Crate

We’ve gotten this as a subscription service before. I just got 3 months during the summer. It’s SUCH a fun surprise to get in the mail and they make really cool stuff (goes up to older teenager too). There’s a few options:

• KiwiCo Labs — age-based activities for kids up to 16 that help them build a project and then extend that learning more through other activities.
• You can also check out KiwiCo Studio that’s for crafty kids up to adults!

Watercolors

Watercolors are a quick and easy way for tweens to show their creative side. There’s lots of beginner videos on Youtube that they can get ideas from (and reminds them there’s a lot we can LEARN from our screens too!).

Scrapbooking

I was a great scrapbooker back in the day, but my daughter has some interest in picking up where I left off. Now you can scrapbook on your device and it makes it really easy — a great summertime activity.

Another thing you could do is to create a time capsule each summer where they bring in news items, things that are important to them from the school year and “sealing it up” to open in a few years.

Disney drawing videos

The Disney Animation Academy is a good place for tweens to learn to draw their favorite Disney/Pixar characters, and it’s 100% FREE!

Perler Beads

Perler beads are a good way to let tweens bring parts of their favorite universes to life. Look up “pixel art” to let them make pictures of their favorite characters. BTW, if they think those are lame look up Diamond Dotz — they are shiny gems you place on a sticky canvas to make pictures. Pretty cool!

Shrinky Dinks

The plastic of your youth is still cool. Use a tablet to copy off the internet if you’d like, even your school/team logo. Great for zipper pulls on backpacks.

JackBox Party

JackBox Party Pack The JackBox Party Pack series of games are fun to play online with friends. They have family-friendly modes to tone down the provocative content. These are family games, which make me happier than them just playing on their screens.

So, what did I miss? We are still CERTAINLY on the lookout for ideas to keep us busy this summer! Tell me in the comments!

Check out my other teenager posts!

Fun summer activities are meant to be just that, fun! Hopefully this post gave you a summer bucket list for teens with lots of fun summer activities for teens. I know summer camp isn’t in the budget for most families, but these activities for teenagers can keep them busy all summer long in 2025.

The post Summer Activities for Teens and Tweens: Your summer bucket list! appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Today’s Guest is Nellie Harden. Nellie is a Christian Family Life & Leadership Coach who focuses on helping parents and their teen daughters go from HOPING they are doing all the “right things”, feeling lost and just surviving teen life to KNOWING they are doing the right things for their unique child and getting her set on a solid path to establishing her personal authority, owning her responsibilities and living in her joy so that she has a firm foundation to build the rest of her life on where she trusts herself, stays aligned in her values and trades chasing worth for standing in her confidence every day in order to face anything and become the leader of her own life.

She is a wife and mom to 4 teen daughters, author, speaker, podcaster, retired homeschooling parent and adventure chaser. She has a degree in biology and psychology, years of leadership training and a diverse behavior background from humpback whales in the South Pacific to teens and parents in homes across the world. She believes in a life of intention, making dreams and goals realities and knows that the best way to change the world is through one living room at a time!

Big thanks to our sponsor Family Routines getting in a routine helps our kids get into routines with their life as well.

Other things that might interest you

• The Hardest Parts of Parenting for Me Right Now – Episode 195
• Having a Child Move Out to College — Episode 164
• Spanking & Better Options with Deborah Farmer Kris from Parenting 365 — Episode 152

Producer: Drew Erickson

Transcript

[00:00:00.140] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls podcast. Today on Episode 199, we are talking about communicating with our kids. Let’s untangle it.

[00:00:18.860] – Hilary Erickson

Hi, I’m Hilary Erickson, the curly head behind the Pulling Curls Podcast: pregnancy and parenting untangled. There’s no right answer for every family, but on this show, we hope to give you some ideas to make life simpler at your house. Life’s tangled just like my hair.

[00:00:39.600] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, guys, today’s guest is a Christian family life and leadership coach. She has 14 daughters. She is also the leader of the 65 70 Family project. I want to introduce today’s guest, Nellie Harden.

[00:00:57.840] – Hilary Erickson

Are you overwhelmed by all there is to do around your house? As a new mom, I felt overwhelmed at every turn. Fortunately, I turned to systems to make a change. Whether it’s mornings, dinnertime, or even just to climb out of a pile of kid’s clothes, my course, Family Routines, can save you.

[00:01:13.440] – Hilary Erickson

I hold your hand as we smooth out these rough patches, making every day easier so we can more easily handle when your preschooler tells you they can use their urine like a lightsaber. Parenting is always going to be a wild ride. Routines are just your seat belt and they can support you. Use coupon code UNTANGLED to save 15 % of checkout. Link in the show notes.

[00:01:35.220] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, Nellie, welcome to the Pulling Curls Podcast.

[00:01:38.290] – Nellie Harden

Hello. Thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:40.570] – Hilary Erickson

So we’re talking about the thing that everything boils down to, I swear, communication.

[00:01:45.190] – Nellie Harden

Absolutely.

[00:01:47.120] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. I talk about it in labor, talking with your doctor. I don’t even want to talk about communicating with my husband or my kids. Oh, my gosh. It’s like you have to communicate all the time.

[00:01:57.140] – Nellie Harden

I know. Unless you are going to be a true devout hermit in life, you have to deal with people. And no matter what, that’s going to involve communication, both verbal, nonverbal, all the things. And so, yeah, you need to know this very valuable tool today. And sometimes today, especially with our kids, they’re walking away from childhood without these really strong tools that they have.

[00:02:22.820] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. Communication and then teaching your kids how to communicate, which I’m sure I’m ruining. I’m just not doing a good job at, right?

[00:02:30.860] – Nellie Harden

I doubt you’re ruining. If you are on here and you are trying, and I always say a parent that has intention to try is going somewhere.

[00:02:41.480] – Hilary Erickson

Somewhere. That’s where we’re going.

[00:02:43.380] – Nellie Harden

You’re going somewhere.

[00:02:46.300] – Hilary Erickson

Just to laugh, I had my freshman in college home over Christmas and he needed to make a phone call. I think it was to the insurance to find out if something was covered. I don’t remember, but it was like a business lost his mind over the for it. And I’m just like, how are you existing on your own? He lives in a dorm. He does have to talk to people about issues, whatever.

[00:03:07.210] – Nellie Harden

So funny. Yes, our teens today. So I have a senior in high school. I have two that are freshman and I have a seventh grader, too. But they are so afraid of the phone. So afraid of the phone. And so my oldest, not too long ago, had to call the bank because there was just an issue with her card and had to call the bank.

[00:03:25.950] – Nellie Harden

And it was like, oh, my goodness, I don’t want to talk to people. And it was like, she put it off as long as possible. As long as possible, we’re like, you should probably call. I’m not going to call for you. You need to do this. And so, yeah, it’s just funny. They’re so afraid of the phone.

[00:03:42.830] – Nellie Harden

And I recently watched this funny montage of this guy that was going throughout the generations from boomers to our teenagers today. And it started with the boomers like, I have a cough. What are the five people I can call about this right now and we can get this handled? Two all the way down to our teens and young 20s now. And it’s like, Never mind, I’ll just die.

[00:04:09.320] – Hilary Erickson

I’ll just Google it. I don’t want to talk to anybody. Yeah. There you go. We had to go see the doctor, and he was like, So you’re going to go by yourself? You’re 18. And he was like, No, I’m not. I was like, Well, you might have stuff you want to talk to the doctor about that you don’t want? What? No.

[00:04:28.340] – Nellie Harden

Yeah.

[00:04:29.620] – Hilary Erickson

It is. Anyway, so Nellie has some great tips for us communicating with our kids, but we’re ultimately teaching them how to communicate, right?

[00:04:37.470] – Nellie Harden

Absolutely. And it starts from when they’re super, super young and all the way through. And it changes flavor as you’re going through out. And in the beginning, you are all in charge. You’re building life for them. You’re telling them what to do. You’re telling them what to say in the very beginning, right? Like, say this, say this, say this. You’re spoon feeding them their dictation or their words.

[00:04:58.710] – Nellie Harden

And then you get to the other side of what I call the 65 70. That’s how many days you have in 18 years. And you get to the other side of the 65 70, and you’re just hoping that they… Nope, this is what you say now. Okay. And you have this back and forth conversation. And it’s this very interesting journey that we go on from build for you, build life for you, build life with you. And now we’re setting you off into the world. And communication is a really big part of that.

[00:05:27.700] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. Although we had the conversation before he did the phone call, we practiced it. I was like, Hello?

[00:05:33.410] – Nellie Harden

Did some role play? Yes.

[00:05:35.620] – Hilary Erickson

And then I’d be like, Now is when you say, Hi, I have a problem with my bank card. And he’s like, Okay, okay?

[00:05:42.750] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah. He got a 4.0 in computer science in college, but cannot call the bank. It’s good times. Okay, what are our tips? Let’s fix these kids.

[00:05:56.650] – Nellie Harden

Well, first, I always say, and I truly believe that the best way to help the world is through one living room at a time. So every single person listening to this right now, you have children, presumably, or you influence children in some way. And so in that way, you’re the person responsible for them, right? It’s really hard for anyone, I mean, even podcasters like us or speakers and authors, to go out and make this wide sweeping effect of change, especially in kids.

[00:06:27.800] – Nellie Harden

And so the best way to change the world is through one living room at a time. Because what is happening during the 65, 70, like I said, those first 18 years, that is building the foundation to who is going to be ruling this planet in not so long. Because what’s happening now, it’s generations that are growing. And so the best thing we can do is help them communicate. And since we are their teachers, their guidance, their parents during this time, we need to communicate better.

[00:06:57.380] – Hilary Erickson

I didn’t want to hear that part. I would want to just fix them. That’s fine, though. I guess.

[00:07:01.950] – Nellie Harden

It’ll work. They need to be better, not me, right? So when you’re having this, especially in communication, because it’s a back and forth, it’s always a give and take. So you need to show up to the conversation in a way that then they learn how to show up to a conversation. So I want to go through a few things today. Number one is going to be the five effective ways to have a good conversation with your kid.

[00:07:26.180] – Nellie Harden

And it could be anything from, hey, how was your day? To let’s talk, sit down and talk because we have some really heavy stuff to talk about. And that always comes up in parenting. So if you are to a parenting stage yet that you haven’t had one of those talks, I promise you it’s coming. You aren’t alone. It isn’t unusual. It isn’t abnormal.

[00:07:45.420] – Nellie Harden

They will come and you will have to sit down and have those really difficult conversations. And in those cases, especially, it’s really vital that you have these things nailed down or in your back pocket because they’re not going to want to talk. They’re having to deal with something and go through something right now.

[00:08:02.570] – Nellie Harden

They’re not going to want to talk. So you have to be the teacher in this scenario. So let’s talk about first is the five things to bring to a good conversation. They all start with C, so I like to make it super easy. There’s five things. Our short term memory likes 3 to 8, I go with 5. And so there is calm, be calm. I know it’s like, of course, but are we always calm when we go to approach our kids? No, we’re not.

[00:08:28.250] – Hilary Erickson

Let’s be honest. I’ll just testify.

[00:08:30.650] – Nellie Harden

No. Yeah, same. But it’s really vitally important that we are because our amygdala in our brain, our fight or flight, that knee jerk response, all of those things fly out of our not calmness. Our critical thinking is turned off. And side caveat, your teen, or especially your younger child, but your teen, when you’re having these more complex discussions, their critical thinking is not online yet.

[00:08:58.150] – Nellie Harden

And so that’s why so many times you can look at your kid and go, why? Why would you do that in response to that? I do not get it. You’re not supposed to. You can’t get it because your critical thinking is turned on. Theirs is not yet. And it won’t be until their early to mid 20s. But especially right now in the 10 to 17, 18 age range, it’s super under construction. You might as well have the backup beep, beep, beep happening right under the forehead there. They cannot think the same way that you do.

[00:09:30.770] – Hilary Erickson

It’s physical. I’m always impressed when my kids are like, No, I really meant it. And they tell me the small snippet of the thought process that they were really thinking through. And you’re like, But did you think about the… And they’re like, No. But they’re really trying. They did think through two of the steps when they were six.

[00:09:52.180] – Nellie Harden

Yes, understood. Okay, so first one, calm, calm. The second one is to be curious. And what I’m talking about here is asking questions. If they come to you and say something and then you’re just like word vomiting all over them and giving this whole barrage, you might be talking about something completely different than what they brought up.

[00:10:13.130] – Nellie Harden

So you have to be curious and ask them questions about what they mean for exactly what you just brought up. They’re saying this one thing, but they actually mean this other thing, but they don’t have the words to put it into the way that they mean yet. So the best thing you can do is ask a lot of questions, be curious and see what they’re really getting after, right? Why they really made this decision, what their thoughts and feelings were when they made this decision and the outcome of behavior. So calm, curious.

[00:10:43.660] – Nellie Harden

And the next one is to connect. And what I mean by that is that you want to connect with them and be vulnerable, which is really, really, really hard sometimes as a parent. But I promise you, it doesn’t matter if you, like me, did not grow up with these fancy little rectangle devices that we carry around everywhere.

[00:11:02.280] – Nellie Harden

What happens as a result of everything that can happen on there still happened to you as a kid or yesterday. Embarrassment, feeling left out, fear of missing out on everything, fear of needing to have those notifications, the adrenaline rush of gaming, the adrenaline rush of, Oh, I got some likes. Oh, I got some comments. People talk to me in the hallway is now today, people liked my photo I put up.

[00:11:28.940] – Nellie Harden

So you can relate to them. And like I said, you can relate to them with yourself when you’re their age, or you can relate to them on what happened to you yesterday. Maybe you put something out there that didn’t. I totally get that. That really stinks. I know you put a lot of effort into that, or I know you put a lot of effort into that group project that went south because everybody else wasn’t doing the work that you were putting into it, and that really stinks. I’ve been there and I get that. You want to talk about it? Right? I hate group projects. So you can talk to them. I hate them. Group projects, I know. I know. We’re you were just in the thick of one not too long ago.

[00:12:02.960] – Nellie Harden

It was a thing, let me tell you. So yeah, be calm, be curious, connect with them. And then you’re going to want to cultivate, right? And that’s like developing where we’re going. So, okay, so we were calm. I know what you’re dealing with right now. You know that I’ve dealt with it, too. So we’re on the same playing field here as far as understanding and being empathetic toward one another. So what are we going to do to develop this? Let’s dive a little deeper.

[00:12:32.010] – Nellie Harden

And then the last one would be clarity. And clarity is so important because the last thing you want to do is come to a conversation, again, be it big or small, and walk away with nothing and be like, That’s great. It’s like two people coming together and saying, Hey, what’s for dinner? I don’t know. And then walking away. And it’s like, Well, that got us nowhere. So clarity is… Okay, so here’s our next three steps. Are you clear on those? Am I understanding you exactly what you’re going to do? Do you need my help with any of those? Okay, you got this. Awesome. And so those are the five right there.

[00:13:11.320] – Nellie Harden

So my tip number one is definitely to stay within that cadence right there. I know you love systems and I love systems too. Having that calm, curious, connect, cultivate, and clarity is really important in a conversation. So that is where I would definitely start off with.

[00:13:29.060] – Hilary Erickson

I love those because and especially the follow up at the end because they literally may not even remember what the first step was by the time you get to the last step.

[00:13:37.080] – Nellie Harden

100 % yes, absolutely. Okay. And then if we’re talking about those, I want to give you the flip side of the coin with what not to do. Because there’s a bunch of great stuff what to do. What should we steer away from? And those are the five enemies of communication.

[00:13:56.360] – Nellie Harden

And that is interrupting. Interrupting is just it shuts people down. And so I have some suggestions. If you have a child that just won’t stop talking, too, because I have one of those. It’s like, I want to jump it, but I can’t. I don’t want to shut them down. I don’t want to feel them to feel like they aren’t seen and heard. But I also don’t remember what they said 10 minutes ago because they’re still going.

[00:14:20.310] – Nellie Harden

Just gently raise your hand, just your hand, not your arm. Just raise your hand and be like, I really want to honor what you’re saying right now, but I know you’re on question number eight, and I haven’t answered question number one yet and I am going to forget what that was. So can we just hold for a second so I can address this? And just using that language, I really want to honor you in this and what you’re going through and what you’re asking me.

[00:14:47.100] – Nellie Harden

But for me and my brain, I need to address the first thing. And so you can just use language like that and do a soft interruption, not being like, stop or talking over them or anything like that. Just a soft interruption if you have to, but hopefully you don’t.

[00:15:04.750] – Nellie Harden

So interrupting, mocking is another one. Mocking is so rude. It’s another thing that will shut them down. And it’s always exaggerated. There’s literally, you don’t mock someone and it’s not exaggerated. You’re like, yeah, well, you came to me yesterday and you were like, well, I want to do this. Well, of course, they didn’t do that. Those gestures are that annoying, needless voice.

[00:15:26.740] – Nellie Harden

But you’re trying to mock them because you are maybe not calm yet. And you’re in a situation when you are mocking. And this goes back and forth, too. This just isn’t parents. This goes back and forth. So for them also, they cannot interrupt. They cannot mock because kids are really good at trying to mock as well. Mock the parents. And then just dismissing them is the next one. Like, Oh, you’ll be fine. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

[00:15:53.570] – Nellie Harden

Well, they’re having a valid feel session about whatever it is that they’re talking about. And if you’re dismissing them, again, you’re shutting them down and saying, I don’t hear you, I don’t see you, so go talk to somebody else about that. And then they will. And goodness knows who that is. And goodness knows what direction that person is going to give them.

[00:16:14.100] – Nellie Harden

Or maybe it’s just going to be someone online that they don’t even know that’s going to put them in some direction. So in order to stay valid as a teacher and guide and parent in their life, you need to be able to hear them, see them, love them, help them belong.

[00:16:30.460] – Nellie Harden

So the next one is sarcasm. So sarcasm actually means tearing of flesh. That is its old Latin roots right there. I can definitely attest to this. When people are sarcastic with me, it feels like tearing of flesh. I used to have one of those friends that said the rudest things and then I was like, Oh, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. Then another rude thing, Oh, I’m just kidding. Can’t you take a joke? It’s so funny.

[00:16:56.170] – Nellie Harden

I want to tell her and express her, if someone comes up to you on the street, well, maybe not on the street because that would be super weird. But if a person you know comes up to you and hugs you and then they slap you or the other way around, which one are you going to walk away remembering? Which one is going to rank top in your head? It’s going to be the slap. It’s going to be the negative thing.

[00:17:20.020] – Nellie Harden

Our brains are hard wired for survival. So a negative thing happened avoid negative thing. That’s what we’re going to focus on. So sarcasm, no bueno right there.

[00:17:30.320] – Nellie Harden

And then the last one in that list is ignoring. They come into the room, you can maybe even tell they’re a little downtroddened, but you’re on your device or you’re on your computer, you’re making dinner, whatever. And you’re like, I really don’t want to deal with whatever they’re going through right now. So I’m just going to pretend I don’t see anything. But again, you’re then shutting down two of their main needs that they have, which are to be seen and heard. So again, those are interrupting, mocking, dismissing, sarcasm and ignoring.

[00:17:57.070] – Hilary Erickson

Okay. What do you do? Because my office is in our dining room and my kids will come up, they’ve got a problem, and I’m like, right in the middle of workness because I don’t have a door. So what do you do when you literally or you’re in the middle of a phone call and they’re coming up and they’re like, I just had the worst day. And you’re like, I want to talk to you, but I can’t right now.

[00:18:24.710] – Nellie Harden

Yes, 100 %.

[00:18:25.880] – Hilary Erickson

Do you have any tips for that?

[00:18:27.650] – Nellie Harden

Yes. So this is actually my kid’s first year back at school. I’ve homeschooled for the last seven years and my husband and I both work from home. So all six of us have been home for a long time. So this is something that happens a lot, as you might imagine or did. And so, yeah, it’s one of those things too, setting up boundaries beforehand.

[00:18:47.920] – Nellie Harden

So letting them know, okay, just so everyone is on the same page, these are the hours or this is the time or the next 40 minutes I need to. Before I got on here with you, I let everyone know, too, just so you know, I’m recording for the next hour, so just please be quiet and no interrupting. So it’s just about that pre set up of boundaries that’s really, really critical.

[00:19:11.550] – Nellie Harden

And then knowing I want to hear what’s going on with you. I want to help you with whatever this is that’s happening, but I can’t right now because I have a responsibility. And so I want to get to you so I can make you my priority and give you my full attention in one hour or whatever that is. And so it’s just honoring them. I want to give you my full attention because I love and care about you, but I can’t right now. And so let’s table this until then. And then really do, don’t skip out on that. We can’t say we’re going to do something and then not do it. But the best if you can, we always can, or we can’t always do it. But if you can to have those pre border set up.

[00:19:52.900] – Hilary Erickson

Yeah, that’s true. That’s a good advice. All right, next tip.

[00:19:55.950] – Nellie Harden

All right, lastly.

[00:19:57.420] – Nellie Harden

No power struggles. No power struggles. Power struggles go nowhere real fast. You think about it like a tug of war. You’re both pulling, it’s hard, you’re sweating bullets, you’re saying things you don’t want to say, and it’s exhausting. It’s mentally, sometimes physically, definitely, emotionally exhausting.

[00:20:18.660] – Nellie Harden

And it takes two. It always takes two. I had someone try to argue with me last weekend, actually, that her and this other person, she’s like, I’m not trying to cause any trouble. I’m not trying to do anything. He is just doing all of this. And I’m like, It takes two to have a power struggle. So it always does.

[00:20:38.960] – Nellie Harden

Anyway, my grand super scientific approach to this is drop the rope and pull up a chair. So anytime you find yourself in this power struggle of I want you to clean your room. I don’t want to clean my room, clean your room. I have to do this, this, this, this, this, this first. Drop the rope, pull up a chair and say, I need this from you, why are you putting up a wall toward this? Be on the same eye level. You’re a team, you’re working together. Parents are team leaders, but you’re all a team.

[00:21:09.810] – Nellie Harden

If one person is down, the whole family is down. And so you want to work with them and you want to be able to understand what they’re going through using those five things we talked about in a good conversation, avoiding the things that we talked about, which are the enemies of communication.

[00:21:24.670] – Nellie Harden

But just get on their level, eye to eye and be like, okay, so this is what I need in our home, we respect one another and I feel like you’re not respecting by doing this, this and this. So give them a chance to respond. Well, I understand my room is crazy, but I have this paper that’s due and I have this that’s due. Okay, I get it. I understand deadlines.

[00:21:48.280] – Nellie Harden

Why don’t you take care of those things, but by 9 PM tonight it needs to look like, you know, maids just got out of here or whatever. And so giving them a good window, understanding their needs, what they have to do, and putting a boundary on that, wrapping it with that, and walking away with that clarity. Everyone knows the expectations. Brene Brown always says, clarity is kind, and I love that.

[00:22:13.140] – Nellie Harden

It’s so true. Is everyone clear? Everyone knows? Because one of the most hurtful things a family can do or two people can do is walk away and both of them have different expectations of what’s going to happen. And that’s just a postponed argument right there. And so if everyone has the same expectation, clarity is kind, then everyone can be on the same page. Those would be my top three tips.

[00:22:36.490] – Hilary Erickson

I love it. I think that’s so important. I think that you have to realize, especially in household chores, they definitely have a different expectation. Than yours.

[00:22:45.460] – Nellie Harden

Yes.

[00:22:46.310] – Hilary Erickson

My favorite is I did it, mom. I’m like, Okay, you sprayed cleaner and you may have wiped it, but it’s not clean. The idea is to clean the bathroom, not to just… I didn’t ask you to spray cleaner.

[00:23:02.300] – Nellie Harden

Yes. Oh, my goodness. Yes. We have one that’s in charge of bathrooms. We have two dogs that shed terribly, and we have wood staircases, and so they need to be swept off. And so I swear I’ll come up and then they’ll be all free again. I just did it. Well, when did you just do it? Well, two days ago. I was like, Well, here’s the thing. They shed every single day, every single moment. So that’s why it’s an every single day chore. And they’re good enough is not quite excellent.

[00:23:38.860] – Nellie Harden

And that’s what comes with the mindset, too. We’re trying to teach them how to master what they’re doing. I bring up karate kid a lot. You get the wax on, wax off, and karate kid, two or three or whatever it was, he drops the jacket, put the jacket back on, drop the jacket, put the jacket back on, all those things. I was like, It’s about mastering what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter how small it is.

[00:24:02.580] – Hilary Erickson

It’s so true. Then the best is they move out and they have roommates and they’re like, Mom, you cannot believe how dirty his sink is. And you’re like, I bet I could. I bet I could imagine that.

[00:24:16.490] – Nellie Harden

You’d be amazed by what I could imagine.

[00:24:19.820] – Hilary Erickson

I have so much imagination in me. All right, these are awesome tips. Nellie, where can people find you? Do you have a course on not screaming at my kids?

[00:24:28.390] – Nellie Harden

I do. It’s not called that, but that could be a working title. Yes. So you can find everything at NellieHarden.Com. I have a great parent master class in there called the Daughter Decoder. There you go. It is specifically made for parents that are raising daughters between about eight and 17 or on the way there, so 6 7, but definitely 8 to 17. It’s all about how to help them build that worth, esteem, and confidence in their lives, including all of this communication and all of the good stuff that comes.

[00:25:05.360] – Hilary Erickson

With that. Yeah. Daughters are different than sons. M y two oldest are boys, and then I have a daughter that’s 13. So it’s different. Everyone when she was a baby was like, Is it so different than with the boys? And I was like, I guess how I change her diaper. Everything else is really the same. She’s pretty much the same. But we’re definitely coming into a zone where we have a lot of feelings. And it’s more than just the diaper changes.

[00:25:27.760] – Nellie Harden

What’s so interesting is that the brain differences between male and females actually… You know super early on in utero if they’re male or female without even looking at genetics, you could just tell by brain differences, they start that young, that itty bitty. And so yeah, there’s definitely a difference. So I personally focus on raising young women. And exactly what you’re saying, there is a big difference. And I’m raising four young women of my own.

[00:25:56.370] – Hilary Erickson

It’d be interesting to just drop a computer science major in your lap and just see what happens.

[00:26:02.020] – Nellie Harden

Well, my husband’s a computer science guy, so I’m well-versed in how to deal with those two.

[00:26:09.770] – Hilary Erickson

I’m like, if only I could build a program that could fix you, that would be amazing. It’s tell you, instead I just paid for the dorms.

[00:26:16.970] – Nellie Harden

There you go. All right.

[00:26:18.770] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks for coming on, Nellie. You guys go visit her. Communication is so important. I have to say that in labor, we just are getting so many people who literally cannot communicate with their teeth, with their growth team, with their doctor. They don’t have the tools they need because it’s such a stressful situation. It’s such a big deal. And I feel like a lot of that comes from parents who haven’t modeled that for their kids. So I’m really working on that in myself, even though my kids are all going to be like, Can you just come to my doctor’s appointments with me, mom? Everything’s fine. All right.

[00:26:49.610] – Nellie Harden

Thanks for coming on. All right, thank you for having me.

[00:26:51.950] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. I really want to focus on communication in this next season going forward because I just see it to be a problem. I see it to be a problem in ourselves, our kids. I see it to be a problem in me. But I think the more we can learn from other people great ways to communicate, the better we are going to be off.

[00:27:10.020] – Hilary Erickson

Stay tuned. Next week, we are talking about pain in childbirth, which is almost like painfully telling my son to call the bank or whoever he was calling. But stay tuned for that one. We’ll be wrapping up season 4 with that episode.

[00:27:21.410] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks so much for joining us on today’s episode. The Pulling Curls Podcast grows when you share us on social media or leave a review. If you do, please tag us so that we can share and send you a virtual hug, which, frankly, is my favorite hugging. Until next time, we hope you have a tangle free day.

The post Communicating with Kids with Nellie Harden from the The 6570 Family Project – Episode 199 appeared first on Pulling Curls.

Big thanks to our sponsor Family Routines — getting in a routine makes so many of parenting easier!

Producer: Drew Erickson

Check out my other parenting podcasts:

Transcript

[00:00:00.120] – Hilary Erickson

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls Podcast. Today on Episode 195, we are talking about the hardest parts of parenting for me right now. So let’s untangle it.

[00:00:19.850] – Hilary Erickson

Hi, I’m Hilary Erickson, the curly head behind the Pulling Curls Podcast: pregnancy and parenting untangled. There’s no right answer for every family, but on this show, we hope to give you some ideas to make life simpler at your house. Life’s tangled, just like my hair.

[00:00:40.740] – Hilary Erickson

Okay, so I want to talk about the things that are hard for me as a parent right now, which, by the way, it made me chuckle that I was like, Let’s untangle it because it’s as if these were problems that were just easily fixed. These easy problems to fix. No, not at all. We can’t really untangle them.

[00:00:55.760] – Hilary Erickson

But I think it’ll be interesting maybe for you to hear what I’m struggling with, and maybe it will echo for you, but I also want to be really clear that this doesn’t have anything to do with what my kids are going through. It is all what is in my head, which when you’re the parent of adult children, a lot of times it is all in your head.

[00:01:18.240] – Hilary Erickson

Are you overwhelmed by all there is to do around your house? As a new mom, I felt overwhelmed at every turn. Fortunately, I turned to systems to make a change. Whether it’s mornings, dinnertime, or even just to climb out of a pile of kids clothes. My course, Family routines, can save you. I hold your hand as we smooth out these rough patches, making every day easier so we can more easily handle when your preschooler tells you they can use their urine like a lightsaber. Parenting is always going to be a wild ride. Routines are just your seat belt and they can support you. Use coupon code UNTANGLED to save 15% at checkout. Link in the show notes.

[00:01:55.280] – Hilary Erickson

Just as an FYI, my kids are 14, 19, and 22. Pretty sure I got that right. The good news is none of them listen to this well. One of them listens to the podcast because she does the transcriptions, but I’m pretty sure I got her age right.

[00:02:09.210] – Hilary Erickson

Anyway, the first thing that I am struggling with is church. So we’re pretty churchy around here, and I have two kids that are not interested in being churchy, and I’m just struggling with how to be okay with that and to not let that mean anything about me and my area of the church. Now, there are things that they struggle with church that are things that I have struggled with church and situations in which they’ve been in a church that I found really complicated and hard as well.

[00:02:37.700] – Hilary Erickson

So I feel for them a lot, but trying to figure out how I navigate church without them and not have that mean anything for myself, especially because the church that we go to is all about families and my family, half of it is not interested in being there or even discussing it. So that can be hard as a parent. So I’m just learning to separate my relationships in that area and I’m doing a much better at it.

[00:03:01.730] – Hilary Erickson

There are down days and hard times, but I think I’m actually maybe coming out ahead on this one, at least today. The second thing I am struggling with is how quickly they can change, especially as they’re growing up, sometimes one person is their friend and then the next day they’re not your friend, or one day something’s cool, the next day it’s not cool. And it’s just hard to change so quickly sometimes with kids. That’s something that I really struggle with.

[00:03:30.720] – Hilary Erickson

And it’s something that I have to remind myself not to be like, hey, I thought she was okay yesterday. Just be like, I get it. Because obviously there are people that were okay in my life at one point in time that are not okay in my life in this point in time. And I understand all of that.

[00:03:43.950] – Hilary Erickson

So I need to let my kids have those same feelings for themselves. So that’s something that I struggle with, but I’m doing better about it. It’s just reminding myself that things change really quickly and that’s okay. And it, again, doesn’t mean anything about me. I don’t need to know why their feelings change unless they want to talk to me about it. But things change really quickly as your kids are getting older, I find.

[00:04:05.330] – Hilary Erickson

And then finally, the thing that I struggle with the most is figuring out my spot with adult children, how to know when to step in, how to know not when to step in, how to know when to just bite my fingernails on the sideline. It is so hard.

[00:04:20.600] – Hilary Erickson

And I try and remind my kids that at one point in time, I was literally responsible for absolutely everything in their life. And they have made a lot of poor choices in front of me as toddlers. They’re just like climbing up onto the piano there. You’re constantly like, you have made a lot of poor choices directly in front of me.

[00:04:38.340] – Hilary Erickson

And so it’s hard for me to feel really trustworthy of you all the time. And so that’s something that I struggle with, just trying to figure out when I need to intervene and when I don’t need to intervene and find a balance on that. Honestly, even when I need to text and just be like, Hey, I hope you’re having a good week versus not texting because I might be over bothering them.

[00:04:58.140] – Hilary Erickson

Just figuring that out is super difficult for me. I always feel like I am not getting it right and I am sure that I’m going to struggle this one for the rest of my life because they are all going to be adults for much longer than I had them as tiny toddlers who were making lots of mistakes. So that’s just something that I’m struggling with right now.

[00:05:16.720] – Hilary Erickson

I thought that episode might be interesting for you guys. I know a lot of you guys have young children and so maybe you are just seeing what it might be like in the future. Or maybe you’ll realize that you are struggling with similar things to me. And honestly, things never change. So that struggle with when to intervene and when not to intervene, I think is paramount for almost all of parenting. It just gets more gray, probably as they get older and more confusing.

[00:05:39.520] – Hilary Erickson

And also you live your life without them most of the time. And so you’re just never sure if you’re doing the right thing, which is the reality of all parenting. I think so many people are like, there must be a sleep training method that is the right thing. But in reality, there is not a sleep training method that is the right thing. Sometimes X, Y, Z is right. Sometimes picking up the baby and loving them all night long is also the right thing to do. And that’s why it’s so complicated.

[00:06:04.060] – Hilary Erickson

Stay tuned. We have some great episodes coming up. Next week, I’m having my friend to talk all about what we do in case something goes wrong with baby in the hospital. We’ve already talked about mom, but this episode is going to be about baby. And then the week after that, echoing this one, I’m going to talk about things about organizing that are hard for me. So stay tuned.

[00:06:21.050] – Hilary Erickson

Thanks so much for joining us on today’s episode. The Pulling Curls Podcast grows when you share us on social media or leave a review. If you do, please tag us so that we can share and send you a virtual hug, which, frankly, is my favorite hugging. Until next time, we hope you have a tangle free day.

The post The Hardest Parts of Parenting for Me Right Now – Episode 195 appeared first on Pulling Curls.

The sex talk.

{grumble, grumble}

It’s awkward. No one WANTS to have it.

But WHY? Why does the idea of sex conversations make parents squirm?

I liked this topic enough that I actually did a podcast episode on it:

Why is it awkward to talk to kids about sex

I wondered about this a lot.

I talk to my kids about a LOT of different things, but sex is one of those things that even makes me uncomfortable — even though I talk to moms about it frequently at the hospital.

I’ve come up with a few reasons:

1.  It was awkward with our own parents, and those memories still haunt us
2.  We don’t want to come across as pervy, or hurt our kid’s vewpoint of sex in any way.
3.  It’s not socially OK to really talk about sex in public — at least the nitty gritty. Somehow it’s much more ok to make jokes about it. BUT, we haven’t had a lot of practice.
4.  We aren’t sure when to do it.

BTW, looking to really have a great relationship with kids and make your home a little more peaceful — check out my practical parenting series:

How to Have the Sex Talk

I believe that “the sex talk” starts early the first time.

Very early on. We had an Usborne Book (you an also get it on Amazon) that talked about how babies are made. It’s a great starting point and I was grateful for it as it gave a totally biological stance of it.

The egg and the sperm meet and a baby is made. Not much more than that — but it started them out early about how biology happens. It’s an easy way to talk to young children about sex and where babies come from. That way, expanding beyond that made it more natural.

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Talking to young kids about sex

I believe that having a book like that is helpful when it comes to these important conversations. Books are great since we are encouraging our kids to use books to learn all sorts of things (I’m a huge fan of keeping lots of non-fiction books at home).

But, at that age, I’d mostly just answer questions. And JUST the questions.

How to Explain Where Babies Come From

Here are some common questions young kids have about babies:

Where do babies come from?

I’d just point them to that book. Say that the egg and the sperm meet, and the mommy grows the baby in her tummy

How does the baby come out?

The mom pushes very hard and it comes out between her legs (I got that one from a sibling class we took my oldest to before we had our 2nd).

Where does the sperm come from?

The dad (again, you’re just answering the direct question — no need to go further).

Where is the egg?

It’s in the mommy’s belly — you can even use terms like ovary and uterus. I always recommend you use proper names when you’re being specific.

**The beauty is that it is REALLY unlikely the child is going to go too deeply into the sex process. Often, if they have lots of questions — I’d ask them where they are hearing it from if it’s just a genuine question — answer as briefly as possible, while still answering the question**

I also am VERY clear that the areas of your body that are covered by a swimsuit are off limits for other people. They shouldn’t touch you there. And, if someone is (that isn’t your doctor when mom is in the room with you), you need to talk to a trusted adult about it.

Note: Be VERY sure to use the actual names and correct terms for body parts when you reference them in this way.

BTW I have a whole post about what to do when you’re just mad at your kids (or feeling really awkard, stuff is pretty much the same).

When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

At some point, you need to have the actual sex education talk.

At our house, we have found the right time to have it is at age eight.

It is very important to me that their original sex talk comes from either myself or my husband, and NOT on the playground.

I want them to know that we are open and honest about it — and that we are a fount of information on the subject! By being how they learned about it — we are the experts in the area.

I want them to know that it’s a GREAT thing, but I ALSO want them to know that it’s not something we talk about with our friends on the playground. I’m honest, telling them that is something that they should learn from their parents as much as possible. That it is a private thing, that might make some people uncomfortable.

As a nurse, I have found the best way is that I take a very biological stance.

Here is basically how it goes:

When people love each other a lot they will have something called sex.  That is when the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina (we have already had the 3 hole talk, so my daughter is aware her vagina is the hole in the middle).  He squirts in some sperm to her vagina, which is like a tunnel to her uterus.  At a particular time of the month, the woman has an egg waiting for the sperm.  If the sperm work right and the egg is waiting, they will start a baby.

I then, because I truly believe it, talk about how sex really isn’t something you want to have until you are married. Because sex leads to having babies, you really only want to have a baby with someone you love enough to marry.

That’s it. That’s my age 8 sex talk.

I will admit, it is uncomfortable — but once it’s out — it’s out.

I try to work on it and advance it a bit more as the kids get older. We probably “officially” have “the talk” again each year.

But, at age 8, that suffices.

By age 12 I want to be sure they understand that people have many different feelings, and start to focus more on other sex acts that people might think are OK — including oral sex and anal sex, but also be honest with the disease and other problems that can cause, especially health-wise (this is where being a nurse comes in handy).

I do also allow my kids to go to every “maturation” talk by the school. I hope that if I talk abstinence at home, and they learn about condoms in school we at least won’t end up with herpes or a pregnancy (I also review the school’s talk so that we can have a brief talk together before they learn at school).

I try to have a talk about it each year around their birthday (simply, because it’s a good time to remember). Your teenage daughter might have more advanced questions about sexual behavior and sexual experiences. Answer any questions that they have as well as solidify how it happens and the consequences if they were to engage in it too early.

As they get older in to teenage years, I also encourage them to ask questions of their doctor (we often make well check-ups around their birthday as well).

**YES, I do believe in abstinence before marriage.  I believe in it very strongly as I have seen many high school students absolutely ruined or their dreams derailed when relationships that went too far didn’t work out.  I believe it to be a strong cause of increased teen suicide as you just aren’t ready to handle those strong emotions at that age.**

BTW, any comments about how my “head is in the sand” will just be referred to my pregnancy section.  You have no idea how far out of the sand my head is.

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Talking to your kids before college about sex

Now, I am just barely hitting this one (as I write this my oldest will be 18 in a few months) — but I know that talk needs to come.

I have a son, but I think this is good advice for all kids heading to college.

1.  If you are going to have sex, you need to be SURE 200% that the other person is on board. You even need to hear the words “yes I want to.” I don’t want my sheltered kid getting to college and not knowing that this could be a HUGE issue that could ruin them and possibly even put them in jail and a mar on their actual “permanent record”. This is a good time to talk about healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, and peer pressure.
2.  If you’re going to have sexual intercourse you need to have protection. There are different forms of birth control. She should likely be on the pill AND you should wear a condom. The condom will prevent diseases and the pill prevents a pregnancy (and yourself if she isn’t good at taking the pill). I will tell him that if he is going to use a condom, he’d better know how to put it on and that I’m sure there are videos on youtube, or I’m happy to show him with a banana. Safe sex is really important.
3.  If you are going to have sex, do NOT do it when you, or the other person are drunk. Again — back to #1 — it’s just a big fat mess on college campuses anymore.

We need to be REALLY clear on this with our kids.

I do believe we have created a party atmosphere on college campuses that is having long-term consequences for many kids. I don’t want my son or daughter to have that type of consequence.

How to talk to your son about sex

I think it’s important for them to know a few things:

1.  Wet dreams are normal
2.  Masturbation can feel great, but can take over your life — so I’d try to stay away from it
3.  It is natural to be curious about sex, but pornography will change you as a person and your natural desires. I’d try to stay away from it.
4.  Sex is meant to be with another person. Not with a screen or yourself.
5.  Sex is natural and important, and you really need to LOVE someone to have it.

How to talk to your daughter about sex

1.  You might feel arousal at times, and that’s OK.
2.  Boys want sex, much more than you think they do. They likely want it enough to lie to you.
3.  It is natural to be curious about sex, sexual activities, pornography or masturbation. However, sex is with another person that you love. Remember that.

BTW — I LOVE this book for girls and puberty. Huge fan (wish there was a boy version made by Star Wars or something…).

I think it’s smart, once you start to see signs of puberty, to get a first period kit to have on hand, there are a few:

• Dollar Maxi Pad Club has one. The price is totally right, and I think the little bag it comes with is great (doesn’t scream “period”) and I LOVE their pads!
• This one is includes a lot of info (especially great if you have a little researcher).
• This one’s a better price point (in my opinion) — again with some helpful info for her.
• Dot Girl is sweet — probably a good balance.

For me, I’ll stick with the Care and Keeping of You 2 plus the Dollar Maxi Pad Club awesome price.

I love this video our church put out:

One of my most favorite quotes about sex comes from a nurse I work with:

You play big kid games, you get big kid prizes.

They need to know there are CONSEQUENCES to their actions. Be very clear that those consequences include:

• STDs
• Large emotions that can be difficult to process
• Unintended Pregnancy / babies

The most important thing of talking to your kids about sex

They should feel ok to come to talk to you about anything. Including Sexual health and sexual activity. It’s a good idea to be clear that you aren’t going to judge them or laugh at them.

You are fair game to talk about whatever they need to know.

You are their main resource — ask them to talk to you before they look it up on the internet or social media.

Having the big talk with kids about sex is SO important. You are doing a huge service to get that started on the right foot for them when it comes to sexual relationships. With a little preparation, as well as starting young it won’t be as hard as you imagine.

If you liked this post, be sure to sign up for my practical parenting series, and check out other parenting posts below that:

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**If you’re planning to make a comment about my nieve attitudes towards abstinence.  Take a minute to remember I am a labor and delivery nurse.   I have seen real-life consequences of having sex with someone you aren’t ready to have a baby with.  You play big kid games, you get big kid prizes.  And that prize will change your life.**

The post How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex & How Babies Are Made appeared first on Pulling Curls.