After a long and stressful year of trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps and be ok with uncertainty, I found myself at the highest weight I’ve ever been at. It was really tough. I’d been about 50 pounds less than what I was that day and I was disappointed in myself but really ready to change.
I believe God made us to heal ourselves of things like this. That, if I listened to my body (instead of a craving) I could really make a change. Do you think that’s possible?
Like all good learners, I checked out some books on the topic. After reading a few samples, I finally landed on Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too. Mainly I liked her humorous style, supported by research.
I found a few others I’m likely to delve into once I get the chance:
Anyway, back to that book. She just talks about how naturally thin people wait to eat GREAT food when they are hungry, and they stop when they’re full. Tons of research on how diets don’t work and how you have to re-wire how you’re working with food.
A little about my weight history. I was a SUPER skinny kid (much like my own kids) and on my wedding day I weighed about 118 on my 5 foot 6 frame. I was pretty skinny.
Then, I got married and just started packing on the pounds.
And I am really trying to figure out what happened at that point.
I know I was pretty unhappy our first year of marriage. I was still in nursing school, he was in music school and we were rarely home. When I was home, I was home alone. I was also doing my psych rotation and I felt like it was sort of eating my brain. I was also the main worker and was without a car a lot of the time. We fought a fair amount. It wasn’t my favorite time.
I felt the weight of the household on my shoulders because he was “so busy” and it depressed me (ok, but our apartment was MAYBE 400 square feet — I’m sure that was a LOT to take care of). My Type One nature, 100% was shoved into a corner in that tiny apartment.
I needed to be an adult, an adult with responsibilities. At the age of 21.
It was tough.
Also, I did an alternative methods of healing class where we went to a spa. They weighed me and told me how overweight I was and how I would probably die soon. If I could go back in time I would strangle that woman.
Then, we had a baby and things pretty well rolled downhill after him. I had really bad PP depression, plus I had been torn stem to stern after his forceps delivery. I cold barely get off the bed without crying for almost the full 6 weeks. He wasn’t a good sleeper and I just NEEDED some organization in my life. The lack of routine was really tough on me.
Then, we moved to California and I started working swing shift. My oldest was an early riser, so I was often getting to bed at 1am with a 7 am wake up from the next room. I had very few friends, I was working more than I had in years and I was slowly dying. The work was hard, and I didn’t think I was very good at it. I started to worry I’d get fired. We needed my income in the Bay Area, we couldn’t live without me.
I PACKED on the pounds. Food was my little bit of happy.
Slowly, I started to work less and then I got pregnant with Mr. Middle.
His delivery was great, and the transition to having two wasn’t tough for me at all. He was an AMAZING sleeper and I felt like was coming alive again. I only worked a couple of days/week and I had friends who I adored. I finally was coming into my own.
The weight didn’t really change until he was about 3 and I was really ready for a change. I did some intuitive eating and went down quite a bit over a year, and finally got pregnant with Ms P.
I had gestational glucose intolerance with her. I was diagnosed at 10 weeks with that so I did a balancing act between protein and carbs for over 30 weeks during that pregnancy.
After her, it was too tough to intuitively eat. I was tired (she slept much more like #1). Just too hard for me to be so tired and not eat to make myself happy (a prime problem for me, which I’m aware of — I eat to be happy, awake).
But, after a trip to Weight Watchers, I really got on track. By the time she was 2 and we had moved here I was down in the 150’s. I was really happy with that, but once we got here and got settled the weight started to go up.
I’d try a diet or something to squash it back down but I would just end up going higher. It was super depressing. Then, with the whole job upheaval I lost the will to squash or care.
Which is how we got here.
I should also mention that all of my immediate family is very overweight. So, genetics is certainly not on my site.
Anyway, back to the book and what I’m doing.
The book just talks about how skinny girls stop. She also frames metabolism in a way that I really like. She says that low metabolism people just eat less. They SAVE money by eating less.
Now, I think we all know that saving money is something I can get behind. Instead of feeling left out of meals when I only have a nibble, I feel like I’ve saved all that money and I’m lucky I get to eat that dish again another day.
At this same time, I’m starting to get into this, I was finishing SoulPrint Healing for affluence (you can read more about my journey with that and how I’ve truly increased my income by struggling less with my business). She talks about how you can use the same ideas for anything you want to stop struggling with in your life.
I decided that at the end of the summer, I was going to try it for weight loss.
At the time of writing this I just started, it and I’ve really starting to think about my feelings about skinny and overweight people. How I think about myself, and if I truly believe that my weight can change.
So, that’s what I’m trying.
What I’m not trying is crazy exercise.
I’m actually trying to walk most days that I don’t work and I’m almost doing strength training a couple of times/week using the face card method. I really like it. I can do that card method just while I’m watching TV. I like the randomness of doing whatever the card says. It’s a fun workout for me.
I also really like walking. It centers my mind. I often go with my husband, and that helps our relationship as well.
Really, I’m just liking myself while I’m doing this. I can make good choices. I‘m not waiting for some program to tell me what to eat. I‘m listening to what my body wants to eat and then just eating until I’m no longer hungry.
Because I believe that my body & my soul wants me to be skinny. If I listen to my body and soul I can get there. One bite or no bites at a time.
One other thing I haven’t ever said is that “I want to be skinny” — much like I had never said “I love money“. I think I’ve felt like skinny said I wanted to be vain and anorexic. But, the skinny in mind is just a regular size in a regular store that allows me to be active with my family like I’d like to be. My skinny is AOK. So I’m learning to say that more.
I had kept saying “I want to be healthy.” But I AM healthy! My blood pressure is great, my cholesterol has come way down since I made exercise part of my life. I don’t smoke or drink. The reality is that I am pretty healthy. My reality is that I want to be skinny.
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