Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The Post Where I Now Vent

Remember how I was making so much progress last post.

That's over.

We got an offer.  It's an awful offer and nowhere near what we thought we'd accept except that Drew would like to go to graduate school and maybe this is the path that's supposed to bring.

But I just have to say that I'm tired of my hopes and dreams taking a backseat.  I am now looking squarely in the eye working night shift, but for about 1/3 less then I am making now.  There is a good chance that I should get a "real" job while I'm at it because Drew's benefits aren't great and we'll end-up paying a lot for insurance out of his meager earnings.

I just feel unloved.

I feel like God maybe likes Drew more then he likes me.

I feel just like I did 10 years ago when we came here.  I feel like what I want doesn't matter, and I feel like my dreams of staying home more will always be dreams until my kids are so old that I can't even see them.

I feel tired and I feel like my family is out to get me.

I also had a really crappy shift last night at work and I'm still tired from that.  I'm fairly sure this situation would "hit" me better if I had an inkling of sleep within me.

This isn't to say that I don't love my family and my husband.

I just thought I'd get this out there, because I know a lot of people feel this same way.  I know that life isn't always easy.  I know that we have it about a million times better than most people, so I should stop complaining.

But somehow that doesn't really all help right now.

**Just a reminder that this blog tends to have the highs and lows of my life.  This, of course, is a low.  I am fine, I am still functioning.  I went to the grocery store today and I smiled at people as though things are fine.  Because, in fact, things truly are fine.  Again, so lucky.

5 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Hil. In a couple years you'll look back at all of this and understand the whys and the wherefores a bit better. I'm sure of that.

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  2. This all sounds like it sucks. No other way to put it. I'm sorry you're going through all this crap-o-la. While recognizing the fact that all families are different, and what works for me in mine won't work for everyone, my experience is that a family is a whole unit. No one takes a backseat--at least not between the husband and wife. (Kids were made for backseats, sometimes.) Wherever you go, you should both understand and agree that that's where you should go. I have no idea what the specifics are here, and I'm happy to chat anytime you'd like.

    Just hoping all is well and that all improves sometime soon . . .

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  3. Hilary, I'm not going through exactly the same thing, but I think I know how you feel. I'm just here while Zeke gets to choose where that is and why... I kinda get bummed sometimes... not so much since he graduated, but I still feel like I have the harder "job". It's hard to take the backseat!! When I feel like this, I know it's time to get on my knees... I just have to get through it. Just like you said some are better than others in that department, but I really like what Lara said -- maybe when all of this "gets into place" you'll look back and see why everything happened the way it did. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Even if it's hard. Hang in there :)

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  4. some DAYS are better than others is what I meant to say...

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  5. I so get this. Especially how we can't stay at home right now.

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