In this episode of “The Pulling Curls Podcast: Pregnancy & Parenting Untangled,” Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse® is joined by Erin Galloway from She Might to discuss the complexities of unplanned and unexpected pregnancies. Together, they unpack the wide range of emotions—from shock and grief to adjusting expectations and seeking support. The conversation highlights how common these experiences are, the importance of giving yourself grace, and why finding community, such as She Might, can make a real difference during uncertain times.
Find it here on Apple or Spotify Podcasts
Big thanks to our sponsor The Online Prenatal Class for Couples — if you’re looking for support & helping your partner support you too — it’s the class for you!
Today’s guest is Erin Galloway. Erin is a licensed master social worker and certified perinatal mental health professional dedicated to empowering women, supporting families, and connecting people with resources and community. Erin is the CEO of She Might, the online resource and community for women walking through unexpected motherhood. Erin is a mom of two, a Phoenix Suns fan, Americano enthusiast, and podcast lover.
Links for you:
Get resources for your unplanned pregnancy: https://www.shemight.com/resources
Episode with Dani’s pregnancy story: https://www.pullingcurls.com/262-getting-pregnant-advocacy/
Timestamps:
00:00 Unexpected Pregnancies Affect Everyone
05:32 “Unexpected Pregnancy After Years Trying”
09:29 “Parenthood Decisions and Identity Impact”
10:17 “Navigating Reactions to Unplanned Pregnancy”
13:30 Navigating Pregnancy and Unexpected Grief
18:46 “Unexpected Twists in Pregnancy”
22:26 Varied Emotions in Birth Stories
24:06 Navigating Pregnancy Challenges Together
28:08 Effective Communication for Better Support
29:49 Maternity Support & Resources Hub
32:56 “Pulling Curls Podcast Appreciation”
Keypoints:
- Unplanned or unexpected pregnancies are very common—almost half of pregnancies in the U.S. fall into this category, and they can happen to anyone, regardless of age, relationship status, or birth control use.
- Many misconceptions exist about unplanned pregnancies, such as the belief they mostly happen to teenagers or people in crisis, when in reality, they affect people from all walks of life.
- Feeling conflicted, numb, overwhelmed, or not immediately excited about a pregnancy is normal—even among those who tried to conceive or are experienced in pregnancy and childbirth.
- Unplanned pregnancies can trigger complex emotions, including grief for one’s previous lifestyle, personal identity, and future plans that are suddenly shifted or delayed.
- The reactions of partners, family, and friends to the news of an unexpected pregnancy can be surprising or disappointing, often because they, too, are processing shock or need time to adjust.
- Grief around unexpected pregnancy is valid—people may experience ambiguous or disenfranchised grief, mourning the loss of their former freedoms or the plans they thought they’d have.
- There is a wide spectrum of feelings experienced throughout pregnancy and postpartum, no matter how the pregnancy happened; bonding with the baby and feelings about motherhood develop differently for everyone.
- Support groups, mental health professionals, and online communities like She Might provide essential resources and a sense of belonging for those navigating unexpected pregnancies.
- Social media tends to showcase only the positive or “picture-perfect” aspects of pregnancy and motherhood, but tough emotions and struggles are far more common than people might share publicly.
- Recognizing and celebrating small wins, seeking help, and finding ways to bring pieces of pre-pregnancy joy into new routines can help parents cope and adapt through the journey of an unplanned pregnancy.
Producer: Drew Erickson
[00:00:00] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: You’re pregnant and it’s not planned. Today on the Pulling Curls Podcast, we’re talking about unexpected or unplanned pregnancies. Let’s untangle it.
[00:00:07] Hi, I’m Hilary, a Serial over Complicator. I’m also a nurse mom to three and the curly head behind pulling curls and the pregnancy nurse. This podcast aims to help us stop overcomplicating things and remember how much easier it is to keep things simple. Let’s smooth out those snarls with pregnancy and parenting untangled: the Pulling Curls podcast.
[00:00:37] This episode of the Pulling Curls Podcast is sponsored by the Online Prenatal Class for Couples. It is the easy way to get prepared for your upcoming hospital birth. It’s quick, can be done in just three hours. It’s affordable, so much cheaper than a lot of the online birth classes available, and it’s meant to be done with your partner. To get a teammate rather than just a cheerleader, come join us today.
[00:00:57] Today’s guest is a licensed master social worker and a certified perinatal mental health professional. She’s the CEO of SheMight. I wanna introduce today’s guest, Erin Galloway.
[00:01:07] Hey Erin. Welcome to the Pulling Curls podcast.
[00:01:10] Erin Galloway: Thank you so much for having me.
[00:01:12] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: This was planned this episode,
[00:01:14] Erin Galloway: It was,
[00:01:16] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: but not all babies are planned.
[00:01:18] Erin Galloway: yes, that’s very true.
[00:01:20] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: So how would you frame, like what is an unplanned pregnancy? Because I think all of us think, oh, you’re 12. 12 is probably earlier than most people think. But Hilary, I have delivered 12 year olds, but you’re 16, you and your boyfriend just didn’t think about a condom.
[00:01:34] But that is not what we’re talking about here today, although that happens too. And we’re here to support all those people.
[00:01:40] Erin Galloway: Yeah. Well, I wanna start by saying almost half of the pregnancies in the United States are what you might consider unplanned or unexpected. And that could be, regardless of whether you want to be a parent, whether you’re already a parent, whether you’re in a stable relationship, whether you used birth control or other forms of conception or not.
[00:01:58] Basically, an unexpected pregnancy can happen to anyone. And so like, I’m glad you said what you said because I think when people hear unexpected or unplanned pregnancy, assumptions are made that this must be someone who’s younger or someone in crisis and that’s just not the case. And I think that misconception’s becoming less common as you see a lot of stories on social media from people with different backgrounds and experiences who unexpectedly find themselves pregnant, in a different season of life.
[00:02:23] So I think to define that is really an unexpected pregnancy is just that. It’s unexpected. That could mean, like I said, you were using contraception and it still happened. You thought you were done having kids. You never imagined having kids at all, or not anytime soon. You thought it would take a long time to get pregnant, so you started trying and you didn’t really expect it to happen the first time. And you’re not emotionally ready in that moment till you didn’t expect it. So I think a lot of people expect it to take time. ’cause we’re hearing more and more that it’s taking a year or longer to get pregnant. So these are all real stories I’ve heard from women we’ve spoken to. Everyone’s experience is so different, but I think there are just so many reasons that a pregnancy might be labeled unexpected. Yeah.
[00:03:09] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I wanna tell like two sides of the stories. First off. We had Dani on the podcast, and she talked about how she used a syringe and semen from a birth bank and did it at home. But even for her, she was super surprised that it worked.
[00:03:23] So even though she, she put all this effort into getting pregnant, it still is like, oh my gosh, now I actually am pregnant. And I think that’s really valid. And I gotta say that as a labor nurse, people who do pregnancy all the time, I had a coworker who was like, oh, my boobs are really hurting today. My period must be coming.
[00:03:41] And we were like, how late is it? And she was like, like a week. And we were all like. Huh,
[00:03:46] Erin Galloway: Yeah.
[00:03:47] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: you know, trying And then a week later we were like, you should go take a pregnancy test.
[00:03:51] And she took one and it was positive and she and I both had kids that were just entering kindergarten. You know, we were just feeling like, oh, we are getting a little bit of our life back and she was starting back with a baby and it was devastating for a while for her, even as people who do labor and delivery
[00:04:08] Erin Galloway: Mm-hmm.
[00:04:08] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Constantly. It was a lot and it was a lot even up until the baby was born. She didn’t feel like she had bonded with her as much. But you know, a couple months in, she was like, it’s exactly the same with the other kids. It just took a while and I think that’s so valid and I think a lot of people are like, this doesn’t happen to people that are like smart and like think about things like this.
[00:04:28] Erin Galloway: No.
[00:04:28] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: think about pregnancy all the time that my coworker was a real smart girl. Stuff happens.
[00:04:34] Erin Galloway: Yeah. And I mean, you see stories all the time where it’s like you just had your baby and six weeks later or however many weeks later or months later, you find yourself pregnant. There’s an ob, GYN, who’s on social media, Dr. Allie, and she got pregnant really soon after she had her baby, and, and it was unexpected.
[00:04:50] Now. Things happen. Again, you can get pregnant while you’re on birth control. So, it’s never 100% guaranteed. And, yeah, you’re right. Like I think even people who think about pregnancy all the time and think about their family and all of this all the time still can become unexpectedly pregnant. And I think that’s hard for people to wrap their minds around. They’re like, well, obviously if you weren’t using protection or weren’t doing X, Y, Z, you’re gonna be pregnant. Well, that’s not the case for everybody. And yeah, there can be that initial response of overwhelm, especially if you didn’t expect it to happen so quick. I mean, I have friends who were like, yeah, I mean, I feel like it’s gonna take us like six months to a year to get pregnant. Well, then it happens and your timeline shifts, right? not in control of that.
[00:05:32] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: And, we tried for two to three years to get pregnant with my last baby. And number three, and, after a while you’re like, well, this probably isn’t gonna happen. And I was just about ready to turn the baby factory off. Because again, I had a kid going to kindergarten and I was like, maybe it’s just time to move on with our lives.
[00:05:47] And, got pregnant. And then you’re like, oh my gosh, I actually am pregnant now. What am I gonna do? And you freak out a little bit. Like, I think so many people have these feelings and then are thinking no one else has these feelings. No one ever, everyone ever talks about how you’re like, oh, it took me three years to get pregnant, but now I’m like freaking out inside that I’m pregnant, even though I was trying to do this for so long.
[00:06:07] Erin Galloway: Yeah. The reality sets in, like I planned both of my pregnancies. They happen pretty quickly, and I think with both, I still had those moments of. Okay. Life is gonna change, especially with the first, I remember I, I think I was like three months pregnant, and I remember calling my sister sobbing because I was like, what did I do?
[00:06:24] Like we had, you know, been married a long time and we were just, we weren’t in the season of life that we wanted kids at that time. And then we decided, okay, this is the time, now or never, I mean, I feel like there’s never the right time to have kids. And, well, we made that decision and then it was like, okay, life is changing.
[00:06:39] What does this look like? Did I actually even think about what this is gonna look like. And I think that’s totally normal. And we’ve had clients who come to us and say, Yeah I thought I was ready for this and I feel like I’m not ready. And I think a lot of that is totally, it’s totally normal and natural to be like, oh, life is changing because it is.
[00:06:56] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I love that you guys run a whole community around this because it’s sort of like the unspoken thing about how so many people have unplanned pregnancies. So many people have very surprised pregnancies. So many people have pregnancies that they feel conflicted about inside and people just don’t talk about it ’cause it this, like we’re talking about postpartum anxiety and depression.
[00:07:16] But I think this is an area that we really don’t talk about, that people have conflicting feelings about pregnancy and that’s okay.
[00:07:24] Erin Galloway: I completely agree. And you know, when unexpected pregnancy is a risk factor for perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. So those are things people don’t know. And we recently had our former director of communications on the podcast to talk about mental health during pregnancy and postpartum. And she shared like, that was, that was me.
[00:07:43] That, that I hit all the risk factors for that and that’s why I experienced such significant depression during my pregnancy. And, so I think those are just important things to know.
[00:07:52] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Okay. So what are some feelings, since you have a whole community about this, I’d love that you’ll be able to, like a broad spectrum of people. How can that affect your pregnancy? Like what do people describe moving through pregnancy?
[00:08:05] Erin Galloway: Yeah, I mean, I think it can completely shift how you feel about the pregnancy, how you feel about your current life situation, how you feel about your partner. I think there are a lot of emotions that come with that. I think it can start by feeling very conflicted. Maybe you’re feeling numb or confused. I mean, we have stress responses for a reason and. We have these responses to pregnancy, so that could look like being numb, feeling confused, feeling very overwhelmed, and not, not being able to kind of even acknowledge the pregnancy. People feel that they’re not excited. That is really hard for people to overcome. They’re like, everybody elsewhere is so excited about everything. But I just don’t feel that excited. I think that’s okay. I’m not an overly excited person like with, with that kinda stuff. And so I almost felt like I feel weird that I’m not like jumping for joy and talking about this constantly. I just felt like I was weird for that. And then even like really not understanding why people aren’t excited for them, or maybe there’s just a response that they don’t get. I think those are unmet expectations that we have when you think, oh, my partner’s gonna be really excited and they’re not. Or their initial reaction is not great. Or a friend or sister, brother, parent, like, I think. When you get a response, that’s not exactly what you expected. I think that’s hard to process. It could also just feel like you’re being knocked off your feet. I think it just stops you in your track. So it doesn’t matter if you were planning to have kids, eventually never planned to have kids or didn’t have plan to have more kids. We see that a lot just stop you, help you pause, and you’re like wondering, what is this gonna do to my life?
[00:09:41] Like how is this gonna affect my career? What about my education, financial stability? What does this mean for my other kids? Like all of these questions come in. And so you’re just wondering like, okay, how is this impacting my relationship? What does this look like for my own identity as a mom, but as an individual? And what, what changes are gonna happen to my independence and what life looks like if I don’t have any kids? So just think there’s logistical things that come up in that response of like, what are we gonna do with this? But I also think there’s just emotional loss that can come up, and I don’t think that’s acknowledged.
[00:10:13] And I think for some people that does mean like grieving some of that.
[00:10:17] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I wanna touch back on grief in a second, but I loved how you mentioned other people’s reaction because especially let’s say you have a boyfriend that you haven’t known very long, and then you tell your mom that you’re pregnant. And she maybe doesn’t have the reaction that you’re hoping for. As a mom of some adult kids, I can totally understand that. They’re not prepared for it either.
[00:10:36] They weren’t even thinking it, they might not even think that pregnancy was an option for you.
[00:10:40] So I think we gotta be forgiving of other people’s reaction and don’t take a whole lot from it because. We’re just, everybody’s human. We’re all just living our little human lives over here.
[00:10:49] And it just because your mom’s not excited for you initially doesn’t mean she can’t, like 360 turn, because I’ve had friends whose kids have had unplanned pregnancies and man, they love those grand babies so much. So don’t think that that’s gonna be your reaction forever, or if your reaction is gonna extend to your pregnancy journey.
[00:11:05] It doesn’t mean that, because I think, I don’t know if people listening or people of faith or people of like God’s plan or, just like life plans in general. But I think a large part of the reason we’re pregnant for so long is to give our minds time to wrap around the fact that we’re going to have a baby, to prepare for the baby, to prepare a relationship in our home.
[00:11:24] And, obviously the baby has to grow inside and all those different kinds of things, but sometimes when I hear about animals that have like a six week gestation, I’m like, oh, I’m glad. I’m glad we had more time than that to really wrap my mind around this. I’m glad I didn’t have 40 kittens, right.
[00:11:37] Erin Galloway: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a great point. I think I always tell clients you can’t control how someone reacts, you can take control how you process it and kind of what you accept into your own world basically. And, remember if this is a shock to you, it’s, it might be a shock to other people too. And people say stupid things, that is the reality. When I remember just early on in pregnancy, when people were saying things to me, I’m like. This is accurate. People actually say the stupidest things to you when you’re pregnant and postpartum and as you’re, you know, being a parent. It’s just something that happens and I don’t know what shifts and I think people have really good intentions and they just wanna be helpful, but it’s not always helpful.
[00:12:18] So that’s kind of on our end to set boundaries, but also be able to kind of process some of that.
[00:12:23] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: and allow grace for that initial reaction because, as unexpected as it is for you, it may be three times more unexpected for them.
[00:12:31] Erin Galloway: Yeah.
[00:12:31] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Okay. Going back to grief though, I think it’s so valid to grieve, your pre-pregnancy life, your pre-pregnancy body, your life before you had to have all these different thoughts because,
[00:12:42] Erin Galloway: Yeah.
[00:12:42] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: before you got pregnant, you gotta think about like, what am I gonna wear?
[00:12:46] Where am I gonna party at this weekend? And then all of a sudden you know, this baby is coming, car seats, strollers, prenatal appointments, prenatal vitamins, trying to keep them down, trying not to throw up. What do people say about all that?
[00:12:58] Erin Galloway: Yeah. I think first, like grief is a natural response to change. And an unexpected pregnancy is a huge change. So, there’s a couple different types of grief that we see often with unexpected pregnancy. So ambiguous loss is the kind of loss that feels very unclear or unresolved. It’s just like this emotional pain that comes when there’s really not a lot of closure. Maybe you’re grieving something that doesn’t really have a name to it, or maybe it’s something no one’s gonna acknowledge as a loss. So that could look like grieving the version of your life you thought you’d have in this season. The plans and timeline you had in place. I’ve had clients who found out they’re pregnant and they had these plans this weekend to do something that you can’t do while you’re pregnant. That’s okay to grieve that, like that’s a sudden change for you. you might be grieving the emotional or practical support that you’d expected from your village and you didn’t receive it. You might be grieving your freedom or flexibility or the identity you had before this moment. I mean, we talk about at SheMight, that we don’t believe in the false dichotomy that you can have either your career or something, or a child, we believe you can be a great mom and you can have those things if that’s what you desire and that’s what you wanna pursue.
[00:14:04] And so yes, it takes sacrifice. We know your timeline might adjust, but there’s grief in that. There’s grief in processing that. And then I think when we think of your, like pregnancies, pregnancies have unexpected things happen all the time. We talked about this a little bit before that maybe you turned out to be high risk.
[00:14:21] And you didn’t expect that. And you’re grieving what you thought your pregnancy or your delivery would look like. and so when we’re talking about ambiguous loss, we’re also talking about disenfranchised grief. So, like I said. Ambiguous loss is kind of that without clarity. And then disenfranchised grief is the kind of mourning and grief that society is not really recognizing or validating.
[00:14:41] So you might feel that because people are like, well, how did you get pregnant? I mean, you know how you got pregnant, right? Like there’s no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy. That’s what a lot of people can say, but you might feel that, like, sadness that’s really hard to explain, but is real. And it’s dismissed by people in your life or just dismissed by kind of society.
[00:15:00] So I think that could look like grieving something that’s very intangible. Like your future that suddenly looks very different for you. You can still achieve those things, but your timeline looks different. Or, like I said before, maybe your partner. You thought would respond in a certain way and they didn’t. And so that’s impacting how you feel about yourself, how you feel about this pregnancy, and how you feel about your partner. And then, like I said, just kind of what your family looks like. I think they’re, these could not seem like losses to other people, but they’re real to you. They’re still heavy and they matter to you.
[00:15:32] So I think makes it really hard to process that when you feel like. Nobody else is seeing me. Nobody else is feeling what I’m feeling. And it can really make you feel isolated. So I encourage clients and, you know, members of our community to lean into that and process what they’re feeling. Even if it feels silly, it’s real to you, like, and it’s valid for you to process that.
[00:15:52] So, at the end of the day, you can find community, seek out support from, you know, mental health professionals, find a support group. Yeah, join a community and find people who will be able to kind of sit with you in that.
[00:16:04] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I was thinking that we probably don’t share this much on social media because ultimately I probably wouldn’t want my kids to know that. I was like not super excited that they were coming.
[00:16:12] Erin Galloway: Yeah.
[00:16:13] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I think it’s more okay. To say, postpartums horrible because everyone understands you’re not sleeping right?
[00:16:18] So it’s not the baby that you didn’t want, it’s the after effects versus when you’re like, I’m pregnant and I’m not jazzed about it. That ultimately is kind of like, and I’m not jazzed about you.
[00:16:29] Erin Galloway: Yeah.
[00:16:30] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: And so that’s probably why we don’t see people talking about it on social media, and I think that that’s valid.
[00:16:34] That’s probably not something that I want held for the time and all eternity for my kids to know those kind of things. Sometimes I see pregnancy announcements where people are just devastated and they filmed it on TikTok and I’m always like, oh, that’s kind of a lot for your kid later on.
[00:16:48] Erin Galloway: Yes.
[00:16:49] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I, that’s such a valid feeling, right?
[00:16:51] So if you wanna film a TikTok, I’m here to watch it for you, but at the same point, I totally understand why it’s not something that you wanna go shout from the rooftops. But I bet if you bring it up to your mom community, your friend community, especially people who’ve had babies before, you’re gonna hear a lot of Oh, me too.
[00:17:07] Because it’s something that a lot of people feel, but we don’t wanna have it in the canals of time.
[00:17:12] Erin Galloway: Yeah, and I think there’s just unexpected things with pregnancy. Like don’t like being pregnant. I had very difficult pregnancies and so I wasn’t like joyful and happy. And I have friends who experience similar things and I’m like, it’s okay to not like being pregnant.
[00:17:29] That doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s really hard. It is really hard to be pregnant. It’s you’re growing a person, like taking all of you basically to do this while you’re also doing your other things. And so like it’s valid to not be totally like having this unicorn pregnancy where you’re like, I’m just glowing and all of this.
[00:17:48] And so I think part of that comes into that, of like grieving what you thought pregnancy would be like for you and what you had hoped you’d feel about it. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person and you’re not gonna be an amazing mom. It just means that this is really hard.
[00:18:01] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I would guess there’s absolutely no correlation towards like at a 5-year-old, like, ’cause we’re looking at kids when they have memories and they care about things. A five year old mom versus, comparing them to people who are excited about their pregnancy or loved their pregnancy versus people who didn’t.
[00:18:15] I bet there is no correlation between the two except for obviously socioeconomic issues or things like that. So, I know there were so many things that I was worried that my pregnancy would affect me moving forward and ultimately absolutely didn’t. I made way worse choices as a mom with teenagers than I did with those, so,
[00:18:34] Okay.
[00:18:35] So I wanted to talk about like, what are some other like areas that you notice people getting sort of caught off guard by the grief or stuff as they move forward through pregnancy and ultimately having the baby?
[00:18:46] Erin Galloway: I mean, I think after you come to terms with this is happening, this is my life right now. I think things can still shift in unexpected ways. And we’ve talked about this a little bit. You could be told that you’re high risk or that there’s some kind of complication, even if you’re a healthy person. Or you might experience a pregnancy filled with every single symptom imaginable. I had a friend that this happened to. And all I could just hope for for her is that like, man, I just want your birth to be so much easier than what your pregnancy has been. Because I’m just like, sometimes people get like every symptom imaginable and it can seem like at every appointment brings a new surprise and that. That like those surprises are considered quote unquote normal for pregnancy. I just saw something you had posted about that of like feeling like you’re just being told everything’s normal. Well, how do you actually process that and figure out like how to make it better for yourself too, because obviously our doctors can’t solve all of our problems.
[00:19:40] Like it’s, that’s the reality of pregnancy. And so I think when you’re experiencing unexpected things during pregnancy, you’re high risk. You have things that you didn’t expect to happen, that can still kind of catch you off guard. there’s just a lot of emotional ups and downs with that. I experienced that with my first pregnancy that it seemed like everything was going wrong with it. so it was hard to imagine that things weren’t gonna keep going wrong. ,
[00:20:09] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: And I think during pregnancy, it’s the first time a lot of people are managing healthcare in general because you’ve been a young, healthy person up until this point, and now all of a sudden, because pregnancy sort of ages your body like 20 to 30 years, just because of all the strain on it. And so suddenly you’re looking at healthcare like a 60-year-old versus a 30-year-old.
[00:20:28] And so it changes things night and day. And I’m here to tell you that, you know, after pregnancy, most often, you again are a healthy young person, but healthcare can be a lot during pregnancy that you weren’t prepared for.
[00:20:41] Erin Galloway: Super overwhelming. People don’t expect bills to come in. I remember I thought, oh yeah, like I’ll probably just have to pay my deductible. And no, I had to pay a certain amount for my prenatal visits and I didn’t expect that. If you’re not told, you’re not gonna know and if you don’t do the research. So, that was unexpected for me. I think relationships can be unexpected. People will continue to have responses for things that you don’t expect. Maybe this surprise you in a positive way, but sometimes it’s a negative thing. And so it’s just kind of processing that, figuring out what your relationships look like. Relationships change as you become a mom. I was one of the first people to become a mom in my friend group. And, so my kids have a lot of incredible aunts. But that was kind of an interesting transition of like, what priorities shift and you’re gonna see that. And, so that’s, I think, unexpected for people. And then, you know, when you get to the point where you’re having your baby. Your delivery, there are things that will probably come up that are unexpected for you. You haven’t experienced this before. and so that’s really hard. And then some things come up and you could have a traumatic delivery or a bad experience that you have to process and heal from. I think we talked about it a little when we were on the SheMight podcast that feeling like you’re not bonding with your baby right away or you don’t like immediately like feel that. And that’s kind of the expected thing. I think there are just so many things that come up in postpartum that think, oh, like we have this newborn bubble. And, it’s just gonna be wonderful. It can be really hard. It is really hard. Even if you’re having the best experience, it’s still hard because you’re learning how to take care of another human.
[00:22:16] And you’re taking care of your baby and navigating feeding and health and healing yourself. After a long nine months of pregnancy.
[00:22:26] It
[00:22:27] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: is a lot to take in. And I think the trap we get stuck in with these unplanned pregnancies is thinking that everyone else, everyone else is feeling something different than you. You know, they all. Immediately bonded with their baby. But because this was an unplanned pregnancy, I didn’t feel that rush of love right as they put baby on my chest.
[00:22:44] And I’m here to tell you that there is a wide variety of feelings, no matter how you got pregnant, if it was a, you know, an intended syringe pregnancy or an IVF, right? Where maybe it’s your sixth cycle and you’re just about ready to give up. All of these things have unplanned emotions about ’em, and everybody feels a different way.
[00:23:03] And I’m also here to tell you that as a nurse who sees people give birth in the labor room, when people call their sister an hour later with their birth story and I’m like cleaning up the placenta and all this different kind of stuff, when they tell the story, I’m like, well, that is not how that happened at all.
[00:23:18] They’ll be like, oh. It was like, absolutely. It was like, no pain at all. And I’m like, girl, you were pulling my hand off screaming. You know, an hour ago, and I’m like, that’s cool. Like, because we’re all just getting it filtered through people’s brains after the time has gone on. Most people don’t get to see, you know, that baby put right to chest or whatever.
[00:23:38] But as somebody who’s seen it thousands of times, I’m telling you there are thousands of different ways to feel of your baby, during pregnancy, after delivery, five years down the road. Yeah.
[00:23:49] Erin Galloway: Yeah. Well, and it’s incredible how our brain. Says like, oh, we’ll turn that piece off and that’s why we have more kids. It’s ’cause we forget about those really hard things and like you get to a point where you’re like, oh, I’m sleeping again. We could have another. And so it, it’s just, yeah, I think, yeah, you’re right.
[00:24:06] I think you, you’re going to grieve different pieces of your pregnancy experience or just have to process those things in those moments where it doesn’t feel joyful. It doesn’t feel like this is what you dreamed of, or you’re confused or fearful of something. Or sometimes it comes out that it brings up some past trauma or some stress that you’re experiencing.
[00:24:25] And I think that’s okay to have, and that’s why there are supports out there. That’s where there are mental health professionals that specifically work, with pregnant and postpartum women. And, that’s why, you know, there are communities out there so that you can put it online and say, Hey, you know, this is what I’m feeling.
[00:24:42] Does anyone feel the same? And feel like, oh, I’m not alone in this. Like I would say every single post that I see in our community, there’s at least one person that says, oh no, I felt that way too. Like that’s, it’s normal. I mean, you still need that support, but it’s normal. Like you’re not a bad person for feeling that way or having that emotion.
[00:24:58] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: And the other thing you had mentioned is to, you know, some people have a a positive reaction when you have your baby. They’re so excited for you versus the, and we’re always gonna glom onto the people that have the negative reaction, right? That’s what our brain is gonna fixate on, oh, she wasn’t happy for me, blah, blah, blah.
[00:25:13] But as a mom, the more we can get and like noticing when we have those positive things. Because as a new mom, young, I was like, I hate a lot of this. Right? But you know, all of a sudden we’d be dragging the wagon to the bookmobile and I remember thinking, this is what I always dreamed motherhood would be like.
[00:25:30] Right. And I was like, I have got to savor this moment because I didn’t think it would be smelling like spit up. I didn’t think that it would be so sleepless, so much crying from both the baby and me. And so noticing those positive times, can be super, super helpful. And of course that’s what people share on social media is them having that time where like, this is what I always thought it was gonna be.
[00:25:52] And that doesn’t, that’s one social media image in a lifetime of, man, this is way different and worse than what I thought it was gonna be.
[00:26:01] Erin Galloway: Yeah, I think we hear that a lot and I always tell people to try to like remember back to before you were pregnant, what are things that like brought you joy in those moments? If this, this current moment’s not bringing you joy in like a little bit of lightness, what are some things you can try? For me that was making sure that I was getting outside and going on walks, especially with my first ’cause I had pretty significant postpartum anxiety that I wasn’t acknowledging at the time, even though I work in this. And it took me probably a couple years to really acknowledge how deeply I was struggling. And so I think just remember those things that actually helped in the past, and try it. It never hurts to try it. It could not work and then you have to find something else. But yeah, my daughter is one in nine days and I’m in the space of like, oh my gosh, that really did go by like fast. Way faster than the first.
[00:26:51] I think it’s ’cause when you have a toddler and a baby, there’s like a million things happening. But, man, I’m looking back to this year and like remembering like, okay, this is, this is crazy how fast this went. And so it, it really is true. Like, I think you’re right, like trying to find those positive things, even taking one good win from the day or one positive thing that happened.
[00:27:10] Even if that’s something that seems silly, like, oh, I actually put the dishes away today from the dishwasher. Or I got outside, or I got dressed, took a shower, read a book. Like anything is a win in my book during that season. So take the steps to try to find those little things. And I think that can help you process those hard moments.
[00:27:30] True.
[00:27:30] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I think that’s true, and I think a lot of times people are like, well, I can’t take the baby. I, I love to go on a walk, but I can’t take the baby. And I’m here to tell you that there is a lot that you can haul your baby with you, especially a walk. I mean,
[00:27:40] Erin Galloway: yeah.
[00:27:41] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: babies, love walks. So I’m here for that one.
[00:27:43] But if there’s something that you loved before, unless it’s like going to the ballet, probably don’t want to take your baby to that. There’s a lot that you can bring your baby to. You know, let’s say you loved going to the library, take your baby to the, the infant thing at the library. There’s so many things that you can bring your baby to, even though it’s gonna feel overwhelming, give it a shot.
[00:28:02] ‘Cause you sort of have to learn how to like, manage doing things with your baby. But there’s a lot you can do with your baby.
[00:28:08] Erin Galloway: Yeah. And I think learning how to best communicate. We have some really good communication tips, that we have on our website, like as a resource. But like it’s all in how you communicate because sometimes you may have a need and you’re not communicating it. To get the response that you actually need.
[00:28:25] So I think, being able to communicate well and we, like I said, I can send that downloadable too, like learning how to say things and being specific about what you need, in that season can help so that you’re able to get that support and that time to just find those wins and kind of take care of yourself.
[00:28:41] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: especially from a partner. Because the other thing is you’ve got this partner who’s grieving their life, right? And so both of you can be on a train to destruction together. And so, that gets extra tricky because it is definitely happening to both of you. And so, looking for outside supports, his mom, your mom, and allowing them to come help you out can be really helpful as well.
[00:29:03] Erin Galloway: Yeah. And if you don’t have that village, like I, I totally see that all the time is that families aren’t as nearby anymore. And so, yeah, that’s why sometimes it’s hard, but we have to seek out that village and that community. And there are a lot of great groups out there, all across the United States, that you can join. And you have to find what, like fits you, fits your background, your values, your needs. But there are people out there. And, there are online communities out there, whether that’s through social media or something like the SheMight Discord community, that is kind of a start to building that village
[00:29:34] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: So what can people get from SheMight? Tell us more about what you guys can offer to people if they’ve had an unplanned pregnancy or are just feeling the grief of like, suddenly this seems more unplanned than I thought it was gonna be. What can they get from you guys?
[00:29:49] Erin Galloway: Yeah, so SheMight started as an online blog basically. And so we have a resource library with over 150 articles and downloads that are just kind of to help you walk on your journey. So there’s different resources on there, from you know, Pregnancy stuff to maternity leave. We’re a go-to resource for maternity leave planning, and we would love to support in that.
[00:30:11] We do have a coaching program just to kind of support, helping through that unexpected pregnancy. And yeah, we have our online Discord community. It’s just kind of a space where you can engage with people kind of walking the same journey, share your experience, you know, build connections, ask questions. So that’s our online community. And, we have a couple new things that we’re launching soon we’ll be offering a grant program. Most of the women that we serve are, above the poverty line, and so they’re often not eligible for any government assistance. But we know that just because you’re above the poverty line doesn’t mean, that you don’t need some support and that one big expense can’t really break things for you. And so, we’re offering, a grant program coming soon to just kind of help make the early motherhood journey a little bit easier. And so, that information will be out soon. But yeah, we’re just a community on social media and discord that wants to kind of walk with people on their unexpected journeys.
[00:31:07] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: I think that’s so awesome. I’m gonna put links for you guys, in the show description or down below if you guys are watching on YouTube. But i’m so glad that we’re starting to have this conversation so that people can understand that what they’re feeling isn’t unusual. And they can look just like every other mom that they see at the playground.
[00:31:23] I think everyone envisions themselves as this person who just like Miss Hannigan from, Annie, who’s like “little girls. Little girls.” And that’s not gonna be the case. Those feelings are not gonna extend to every day for the rest of your life.
[00:31:34] Erin Galloway: Yeah. And the more we talk about it, the less shame there is to it. I always tell clients like, shame is the place you don’t wanna go. And so I think we can break the stigma around it and just talk about it and normalize it. Half of the pregnancies in the United States are unexpected. Like people can feel like, oh, I’m actually not alone in this.
[00:31:52] And know that like people are out there to kind of walk with you. And there’s more people out there that are experiencing this than you probably know.
[00:31:59] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Yes. And even beyond that, there’s a lot of people who are like, oh my. Gosh, now I’m pregnant. Even if it was planned, they were off birth control. They were trying, they were, IV fing it. They were spending thousands of dollars for this baby. You can still have a feeling like, oh my gosh, what have I done to myself?
[00:32:17] Erin Galloway: I completely agree.
[00:32:18] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Okay. Erin, thank you so much for coming on. I hope this information’s helpful for people. I hope people will reach out to SheMight ’cause I think that’s such a valuable opportunity. And best of luck to you guys moving forward. I hope that this just grows and grows and people can learn that they’re not alone.
[00:32:33] Erin Galloway: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It’s been an honor.
[00:32:35] Hilary Erickson | The Pregnancy Nurse®: Okay. I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. I just think people need to understand how many people have these same feelings. And like I said before, we’re not talking about them because it’s not something we really want our kids to end up knowing later on, which I totally understand, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about it in private, even if we’re not sharing it on social.
[00:32:53] So check out SheMight. It sounds like they have so many good resources for you guys. I’m grateful that we have companies like them that can help us out.
[00:33:00] We’ll see you next time on the Pullling Curls podcast.
[00:33:02] Thanks for joining us on the Pulling Curls podcast today. If you like today’s episode, please consider reviewing, sharing, subscribing. It really helps our podcast grow. Thank you.
Keywords:
unplanned pregnancy, unexpected pregnancy, perinatal mental health, emotional response to pregnancy, pregnancy grief, ambiguous loss, disenfranchised grief, perinatal mood disorders, maternal anxiety, postpartum depression, pregnancy community support, partner reactions, family reactions to pregnancy, pregnancy and career, maternity leave planning, pregnancy timeline, birth control failure, high risk pregnancy, pregnancy symptoms, prenatal class, pregnancy and identity, adjusting to motherhood, parenting support groups, pregnancy support communities, online pregnancy resources, She Might, Pulling Curls Podcast, Pregnancy Nurse, relationships during pregnancy, financial concerns with pregnancy, pregnancy after infertility
Leave a Reply