One of the most important things to know is to know when breastfeeding isn’t working. More and more women are finding that biologically breastfeeding is NOT working — and they are not actually feeding their baby (often accompanied by guilt).
First off, let me state CATEGORICALLY, I am a STRONG proponent of breastfeeding. I think it is the A#1 best way to feed your child. There are so many wonderful things about it. I won’t get into all that here (because I have a lot of other awesome breastfeeding posts). But suffice it to say that I push breastfeeding hard as a labor nurse & prenatal educator.
But, there are times when breastfeeding isn’t working – it didn’t work myself and my first baby (or any of my other kids). And I didn’t know it for days. I had a constantly screaming baby, bleeding nipples, and emotions that could’ve exploded our 2 bedroom apartment. I had been told that breastfeeding ALWAYS works. Sadly, that is a lie, sometimes it truly just doesn’t work.
Signs Breastfeeding Isn’t Working
Hilary is a nurse who has worked in various medical fields for the past 21 years, however, none of the information on this blog should be substituted for the care of a physician. The information provided on this blog is informational only and shouldn’t be taken as medical advice. If you have questions, please ask your doctor or a certified lactation consultant. Also, please don’t delay contacting a physician due to something you have read on here. Pulling Curls doesn’t take responsibility for your health. That’s your job. We’re just a nice read.
First off, if at all possible, if you think breastfeeding isn’t working I would try to make an appointment with a lactation consultant. I have even found a good online option.
If you are reading this BEFORE you have your baby — I recommend a good breastfeeding class. I recommend this one or this one if you’d like an online one.
Good nursing is certainly helped by good products. Two of my favorites are a good nursing bra, like this one. Also good nipple cream, and a good lactation consultant friend swears by these.
Let me send my best tips right to your inbox:
The Basics of GREAT breastfeeding
Supply is the main concern with breastfeeding, I'm going to remind you of the 5 signs of great supply.
1. Wet Diapers
Babies should have 6-8 wet diapers/day. Newborns should have a wet diaper per day of age up until they’re getting 6-8). So, on day two — they should have 2 wet diapers. If they’re not producing that much, you need to think about what is not working. There are reasons BESIDES breastfeeding, why this might be — but breastfeeding is something you should consider. Babies poop should also start to change from the black tar to another color (depending on your feeding method). These are my favorite newborn diapers, love the line that shows if they pee’d (because you can’t always tell).
2. Engorgement.
On day 2-5 (sometimes longer) you’ll feel your breasts “turn-on” and fill with milk. If you don’t feel that, they might not be filling up. I get hot boobs, but I never feel them fill. I never have them over-fill, they just don’t fill. Don’t forget some washable breastpads while we talk engorgement!
Related post: Need more sleep? – Check out Owlet Baby Care
3. Milk.
If you pull them off, you should see milk in their mouth (once your milk has come in). Make sure you use your finger to break the latch, don’t just yank them off. Babies tongues already look a little white, but if you SEE milk, you know you’ve struck gold. Mind at ease.
4. Weight gain.
I would guess most pediatricians will come let you do a weight every day to see if they’re gaining. At Kaiser (where I had my last 2 babies) they do a weight, let you feed, and weigh again — to see how they’re doing. They often do those at in-person lactation consults.
Princess P was such a great sucker. I’d latch her on for half an hour and she’d go to town. I thought for sure she was getting milk and it was GOING TO WORK that time! She would lose weight instead of gaining — just because she was working so hard to suck with no reward.
I recently found the Hatch Changing pad that could make this REALLY easy. BUT, if you’re a strongly wanting to breastfeed, and the money isn’t as much of an issue — I would check into it. It allows you to weigh/feed/weigh in the convenience of your home. It’s super cool — check it out!
Also, did you know you can get a free breastpump (if you have traditional insurance and live in the US)? AeroFlow makes it easy:
They’ll do all the work for you. They’ll contact your insurance, find out what pumps you can get and then you can order through them and ship it right to your house. One less thing to worry about! Give them a try today!
5. Swallows.
This is actually one of the very best, and easiest ways to tell. Conner (my oldest) never swallowed.
You need to have a quiet room to hear this one, but you’ll kind of hear a whispered letter “C” sound when they swallow. You can also, sometimes — depending on your position — see their Adam’s apple bob when they swallow. Babies should swallow every 3-4 sucks.
If they’re not swallowing, either you’re not noticing it, or something is wrong.
If you’re still pregnant, there are things you can do to prepare yourself for breastfeeding. I also have a couple of online classes I recommend:
- Simply Breastfeeding (they also have a free beginning version)
- Lactation Link (there’s a free one on that page too)
And don’t forget you can get an online consultation really easily too! I know tons of people who absolutely love Lactation Link (and I love that consults can be done online — so easy!).
Check out my awesome list of baby freebies!
The thing, with nursing, is that the more you stress out about it, the worse the problem gets.
You’re the cow. You need to be healthy and happy to produce for your little wonder. But, the worse it got and the more he cried I just felt like the biggest failure that God ever created. The simple truth is that sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t work. It’s a small percentage (although I hear it is on the rise), but it’s true.
I say try, try, try, but if it’s not working you’re lucky that God gave us formula. It isn’t poison, it won’t kill your baby and it may put your mind at ease remembering it’s an option.
Ways to Make Breastfeeding Work
If you do think a lack of production is your problem, I recommend seeing a lactation consultant. There are things they can recommend to increase your supply (fenugreek, increasing fluids, I even tried Reglan — which made me crazy — my friend Katie has a great post on increasing your supply). It is certainly worth it to try to build it up.
Reasons you can’t breastfeed
There are LOADS of reasons that breastfeeding may or may not work. The reality is that you really need to try. Give the breasts lots of stimulation, even if you think it won’t work. Reasons I have seen (and there are a lot more than this)
- Previous breast surgery (implants or reductions)
- Hormonal imbalances
- Tubular breasts
- Stress (more women can’t breastfeeding during war time vs non-war time — in historical studies)
- Nipple Issues (often make it a lot more difficult but usually can be worked around if you work hard at it and seek help from a lactation consultant)
Breastfeeding Didn’t Work For Me
With my first, I thought breastfeeding would just work. I had heard countless times that breastfeeding works for everyone if you work hard enough when I was in nursing school.
So, I just tried and tried. He screamed and screamed.
I finally noticed a lack of wet diapers and no poop… so I started to get a little nervous.
But, I kept trying… I called lactation. We were really poor, so having an in-person consult was out of our price range (this is back before insurance even considered paying for it). We did rent a hospital pump (remember you can get one free).
In retrospect, I spent a 20-minute call with a woman, spent the majority of it crying — and her advice was to get up every 2 hours at night to pump.
To a woman who was clearly on the edge (because I was also crying for the majority of the time I wasn’t on the phone with her), she told me to basically stop getting sleep and put every last ounce of myself into a bottle.
Honestly, I think that lactation consultant should be locked up — says that same mom 18 years later.
Simply put (and I can say this now that I’ve been an L&D RN for 17 years), Her advice was not the right advice.
At a certain point, you may need to throw in the towel and do what works for you. Some lactation consultants aren’t very good at remembering that you aren’t a cow, and you have feelings and a brain.
And breastfeeding isn’t worth losing your mind over.
I remember fighting the urge to shake him when he wouldn’t latch right or would just sit there and scream at me.
No mom should be at that point. I should have popped a bottle in his mouth. He was starving. And I 100% believe that fed is best (although I don’t find that page to be particularly breastfeeding friendly).
Unable to breastfeed guilt
I feel this every. time.
Somehow, during those 9 months, I somehow think it WILL work this time. I will get more than a cc when I pump. Everything will work out this time.
But, it doesn’t.
And I cry and cry (this post shows that pretty clearly, and I actually wrote it RIGHT after my 3rd baby). And then I pop in that formula bottle.
With my last one, I already had two successful readers by the age 3. It didn’t make a difference, I still felt guilty.
Just recently my formula-fed baby scored on the 99th percentile on the ACT, so I guess I still made smart little brains with formula (I can’t tell you how many times I’d burst into tears when I’d see a news story about how much smarter breastfeed babies are than formula babies).
Hang in there new moms. It’s a tough, long, journey.
Here is my promise to you: (and I can 100% promise this) that your choice to breast or bottle feed your baby (as long as you FEED your baby) is not the worst parenting choice you’ll make — not by a longshot. 🙂
Breast or bottle feeding will not be the worst choice you make as a parent -- not by a long shot -- so just make sure that what you are doing works for your family!Click To TweetJust wait til’ they’re teenagers (I want to shake him a lot now too — and yes, he does still scream at me)
Don’t forget to get my best tips to make sure breastfeeding IS working.
The Basics of GREAT breastfeeding
Supply is the main concern with breastfeeding, I'm going to remind you of the 5 signs of great supply.
Here’s some of my of my other breastfeeding posts:
When Breastfeeding Isn’t Working
Read More
Marijuana While Pregnant: Consequences for you & your baby!
Read More
Eating Your Placenta: Risks & Benefits (from a nurse who wants it to work)
Read More
Breastfeeding Support: Is Baby-Friendly Mom-Friendly?
Read More
How to Prepare for Breastfeeding: A Breastfeeding Checklist
Read More
Getting Ready to Breastfeed
Read More
Do NOT miss my new post about what you REALLY need for that new baby!
Be sure to get my newborn sleep tips, and check out other similar posts below that:
The Basics of GREAT breastfeeding
Supply is the main concern with breastfeeding, I'm going to remind you of the 5 signs of great supply.
Because Chloe was in the NICU for a little while, and because of her problem (extreme jaundice–almost required a blood transfer), it was absolutely necessary that she be fed. So they fed her from a bottle. At that point, I wasn’t getting quite enough pumping, but they also fed her whatever I did get. I didn’t get a lot of chances to work on breastfeeding with her during that time. Once she came home, she couldn’t latch and after two days of absolute failure breastfeeding and after having stayed up all night long trying to feed my baby, I called the lactation specialist.
The first thing out of her mouth was “I wish these doctors would stop giving babies bottles in the hospital, they don’t know how much harm they are causing.” Uh…I’m sorry, but I would much rather have a healthy, living baby than I would a breastfed one. We finally figured it out, but I wouldn’t have hesitated to formula feed her if she couldn’t eventually get it. It’s OKAY!
Uh, lactation specialists. A good one is worth their weight in gold — but a bad one. {sigh}
It’s such a hard time. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for this blog post. I have felt guilty for so many years that I was unsuccesful at breastfeeding. I just couldn’t produce enough milk. My kids turned out ok, though – One leaves for college in two days, and the other is a junior in high school. I think that there is too much pressure on new moms to breastfeed. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t.
Yes, very, very true!
I still have guilt after 19 years. It didn’t work for me from the first minute i tried. My 2 children (19 and 16 years of age) are very healthy and happy. I still think if you can breastfeed you should, but you shouldn’t “hate” yourself if it doesn’t work for you and your babies.
We HAVE to get rid of the guilt. Try it — if it works GREAT, but I have felt EXTREME guilt each time. Ludicrous.
I’d love to see a blog on what you wish you had known before you got pregnant with your first. How do you prepare? What do you read? What do you need for your home to be ready? And start hoarding money. So many unexpected expenses!
A) it is most expensive to have your FIRST baby. The list of things you actually need is not that big. The main expense is a quality crib and mattress.
b) You have me as a friend for all the other answers, but those are good posts for the future. I’m gonna write them down. {smooch}
[…] If Breastfeeding Isn’t Working […]
Thank you very much for this post, but especially for the last few paragraphs. My son is currently in the NICU having been born at 32 weeks. He is doing great latching on as well as feeding from a bottle, but I just do not have a good supply. I have had eight lactation consultant appointments in two weeks and I am burnt out. I cluster pumped, took fenugreek, and am now on reglan. I still feel like I am failing him at times, but it is reassuring to know that other moms have been there before and their children are thriving.
Thank you for writing everything I am feeling. You don’t know how much reading this has helped me.
Lindsay, I am so glad it was helpful. Just know I’ve been there. I have a hard time with giving up breastfeeding with each and every baby. In retropsect it’s ludicrous, but so true. Hang in there mamma. Having a NICU baby is hard enough, don’t pressure yourself over breastfeeding. Just do what you can. Also, thanks for the comment. I’ve had a tough day and it was nice to hear I may have made someone else’s burden lighter. 🙂
I came home from hospital after a 6 day stay (toxemia) knowing that despite 15 shifts of midwives my baby and I hadn’t worked out the breastfeeding. I was desperately expressing every 2 hours to build my supply and get baby fed.
1 appointment with an older lady who looked, listened to me saying “it feels wrong, like this” and a simple solution. (I was an athletic B, before baby, suddenly a DD). She rolled up a washcloth to place under my breast – MAGIC!
I wasn’t breastfed as a baby – mum had no ducts and I turned out fine (law degree, pilot licence).
I breastfed my baby until 17 months old and he thrives, his peers who were formula fed also thrive. If I didn’t know how they were fed I’d not be able to tell.
Feed your children with love mumma, it doesn’t matter how they are fed, it matters that they are fed.
Haha, such true advice and how SMART about the washcloth! A good lactation nurse is worth their weight in gold!
I wish there was more discussion and research about this. With both of my two kids I produced basically no milk and despite exhaustive work nothing helped and honestly doctors and lactation specialists don’t get it. When you are producing 2 tablespoons a day after pumping every two hours day and night then hear a nurse comment on why you aren’t bringing more in for your baby that’s in the NICU… It’s devastating. I think what ultimately bothered me the most was that no one would say “it’s okay you are doing everything you can, sometimes it just doesn’t work, your body can’t make milk” they just wrote me off and said use formula. Thank you for writing this article.
Yuck! That is not a good feeling at all. I am sorry they acted like that. However, I tend to get my feeligs REALLY hurt over anything breastmilk related in the first month. I feel like a complete failure. One of the lactation nurses really had a good look at my boobs and came up with some ideas as to why I don’t produce. They seemed plausible, but since I’m done having kids I guess I don’t care…. 🙂
I am grateful and relieved that there are those in the medical profession who are willing to acknowledge this reality! Despite personal, nutritional and financial reasons for wanting desperately to nurse my five babies, I have been confronted with major difficulty with three of them. From lip and tongue-ties with multiple babies (that were missed by the lactation consultant, resulting in months of extreme pain and emotional trauma from being told repeatedly that I just needed to “toughen up”) to babies with digestive disorders, to personal health crises that interfered with breastfeeding, to finally discovering that I have developed an allergy/resistance to PROLACTIN (which means that every recommended treatment for increasing milk supply – supplements, medication, frequent pumping, sleeping as much as possible – were only making the problem worse), I have run the gamut with breastfeeding stress, guilt, and frustration. I want women to know that it is more important to love motherhood than to breastfeed your baby at any cost…so if the trials of attempting to do so are interfering with your physical or emotional health, to the point of suffering, then please just pop a bottle in their mouth and smile down at your little angel who is just happy (and lucky!) to have you for a mom.
I LOVE this comment! So very true, especially the last sentance!
Sometimes it’s not a lack of supply but an overabundance. I flooded all 4 of my babies so badly after one swallow they would jerk back choking, coughing, gasping for air. We’re talking 5 streams with a 3 ft. radius, no lie! I tried block feeding, using a clean burp diaper to catch the excess, pumping for the first 5 minutes to relieve some of the pressure, etc. Even when I got my supply under control, it would let down within the first 5-7 minutes and nothing would be left. Also the hormonal panic attacks with every letdown finally got to me. After 8 weeks of no improvement, I finally had to go to a bottle. It’s not what I wanted but my babies have all been healthy in spite of getting second best nutrition.
My yes, issues on both ends of the spectrum can be quite problematic, and I have certainly heard of problems with letdown, which sounds horrible. I’m so sorry, but I’m glad you got something that works!
[…] When Breastfeeding Isn’t Working […]
[…] Hi, I’m Hilary. I’m a labor and delivery nurse. I’m glad you’ve stopped by. Be sure to check out all my pregnancy posts. There is probably something in there to answer questions you have. It includes info in pregnancy, labor & delivery, post partum care and baby care. […]
[…] newsflash, not so much. And just in case breastfeeding sucks. Here’s my post about when breastfeeding isn’t working. Breast is best, but God made it so you’d suffer a bit more than you’d hoped when you […]
Great post. Breastfeeding is nature’s cruel joke. I’ve been pumping every 2-3 hours (at night too), in addition to the regular feeding. It’s brutal.
Stop pumping at night. Sleep is more important than milk production at night. The end. Seriously, there is no perfect way to do this motherhood thing, there’s not even a best practice, in most cases. You’re just trying to make it off the battlefield. 🙂
[…] If you have breastfeeding concerns — be sure to see this post “When Breastfeeding Isn’t Working.” […]
[…] put them in their own room. Again, you have to decide what works for you. I also was unable to breastfeed, so I had to get up to get a bottle […]
[…] I have actually heard GREAT things about these nursing covers. Good quality and way easier than a blanket (especially when you’re just starting out). Most people just feel more comfortable covered-up (and your baby won’t be as distracted). Check it out! And, don’t miss my post about breastfeeding! […]
I wish I found this sooner! I had my daughter 6 months ago and tried everything to increase my milk supply. I was so stressed I was sabotaging myself. What’s more, I felt like the only woman in the world who could not STAND breastfeeding. I never felt “bonded” to my baby. We basically fought each other until she got her first tooth at 4.5 months! After a week of biting, I decided to wean her. And now we are happy as clams! I myself was a formula baby due to being in the NICU as an infant. I have never had a health issue, my IQ is fine, and I hold nothing against my mom. I appreciate all the efforts to “normalize” breastfeeding but frankly, it’s already “normal”. Now it’s the formula moms who are on the outs! Anyway, thank you so much for this.
I felt the same way in the weeks that I tried it. So frustrated, did NOT love my baby I wanted to claw my eyes out when they were hungry. i’m glad you found a way that worked for you. 🙂
[…] — the advanced technology of formula was considered best. Turns out that was wrong. Breast is best (as long as it is working for you and your […]
I love this article! I have survived breastfeeding my baby only because I had an incredible great help – an e-book by Susan Urban “How to make breastfeeding pleasant and easy” that I got here http://www.parental-love.com . It has got all the information about breastfeeding! After reading it I didn’t have to read anything else or ask for help! And because it’s an e-book I had it with me all the time in my phone, even in the hospital when my baby was born! Every mom or mom-to-be should read it!
it sounds like a super helpful book!
Lovely blog! Very informative! I am happy I saw these comments here, After reading Sarah’s comment I got the guide about making breastfeeding pleasant and easy and I am happy to report it is a very good book! It is not the first book I have read but certainly the best one! Thanks
Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome!
Thanks for sharing your tips!
Hope it helps!
I urge anyone reading this to check out Dr Jack Newman on Facebook!! Husband videos for what to watch for and how to achieve an asymmetrical latch weren’t an absolute game changer for me!
Interesting!