When I got married, I weight 118 pounds. I had just finished a REALLY stressful summer quarter, I was traveling to a town about an hour away to do clinicals plus getting ready for a wedding (I got married the day after my finals were done). My teacher had TOTALLY stressed me out and I was bushed.
I thought I’d be thin forever — I never thought it would change.
But, then I was on birth control and home a lot. I had a rough start in our marriage, just didn’t adjust well.
I found myself at a health spa (for a class I was taking). She weighed me in at just under #170 and she went on and ON about how fat I was and how I’d die an early death.
I knew my pants had gotten tighter…
But woah, I really had gained weight.
And in reality, I think I wasn’t too far off from a weight that is manageable for me.
But I was devastated and embarrassed. She’d done it in front of my classmates and I was humiliated. I vow’d that I’d watch what I ate.
I started to work out more and buy more chicken. I walked to school more and I really started to make an effort and “diet”
Except the weight didn’t change. I was staying about the same.
A couple years after that I got pregnant. I gained a normal amount of weight (feeling guilty about it the whole time).
I was absolutely miserable post-baby. I had been torn stem to stern, he cried ALL the time. I was alone, I couldn’t get his car seat to latch into the base in the car and I ended up staying home almost all the time. I had no friends, and I was in a pretty poor place.
I knew the weight wasn’t coming off so I went on a diet where I only ate fruits or veggies during the date, with a regular dinner.
Didn’t help lose weight.
Then, we moved to California. Suddenly I had even fewer friends, I worked the PM shift and my weight headed into a number that started with a 2. Just as I was starting to settle there, I had another baby. Weight was pretty stable in the “2” zone post having him. I tried diets and workouts. I really liked doing aerobics tapes in the early morning. Gave me a little place to get my aggression out. But, weight never really shifted.
I was trying to get pregnant all this time — and I knew that weight might be the issue it wasn’t working.
I saw a TV show about intuitive eating.
All along I thought that our body should truly be able to keep us at a healthy weight — that I must be somehow ignoring cues that I should be following to help me be healthy.
This program seemed to be something that followed your body’s natural rhythms.
And it worked — I finally got into the 180 range. And I finally got pregnant.
I was on the diabetic diet from 10 weeks along and it was rough. When she was born I went on a sugar rush. My friend brought me cake in the hospital. It never tasted so good.
And cue downward spiral post-birth.
I was having serious anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn’t focus on my cues because I felt entirely overwhelmed by everything. The slightest thing made me so anxious I wanted to scream.
So…. that went on for about 9 months. I finally decided to try weight watchers. I needed to try to control something. And, I did really well at it. Except that I was so obsessed with the points I thought about them about 1/2 of my day. Plus, when I wouldn’t lose with the points they had allotted me — I would decrease my # of points. Plus add exercise. It was a constant numbers battle in my head. But, I did lose — I got down to about 170 — and then my husband got laid off.
Cue downward spiral.
Only this time, I really tried to stay intuitively eating. I had found a portion size that worked, plus I was so stressed out by everything I was spending time buying a house on the internet and packing. Food definitely took a side-seat. I was too busy to eat. for me and I remember being early in our life here in Arizona and seeing 156 on the scale and just thinking how great I was.
I remember being early in our life here in Arizona and seeing 156 on the scale and just thinking how great I was.
And then I thought that I could work harder and lose more.
So I did — I started counting calories…. and trying harder.
My weight inched up.
and I tried harder
and it inched up….
and now, I sit here with a 2 in front of my number again.
I tried hard, and it backfired.
In February I hired an accountability coach who had me read this book. I liked the idea. I often “forget” to eat — so reminding myself to pop something in my mouth helped.
And then my accountability coach stopped contacting me. Yes, you read that right. I thought it was odd — about a month into her not messaging me anymore I asked her what was up. I think it was a combination of my unwillingness to buy her meal plan (I did pay her for her time — and I was 100% up front that I didn’t want to buy pre-packaged meals), not getting the amazing results she could post on FB and her really having no clue how to help someone being accountable unless they followed the meal plan.
Plus, I think she REALLY wanted me to go Vegan — and I was pretty clear that was never going to happen.
ANYWAY. I was bugged, but in my heart, I knew I’d thrown that $100 bucks away anyway. She hadn’t taught me anything new. She had mentioned Intuitive Eating — which I just got and started reading.
And I’m liking what I’m reading.
I’m reading that dieting doesn’t work. It backfires and you lose weight.
That you have to let go of the weight, that you need to listen to your body. Fulfill your craving with small amounts of the foods you really want and move on with your life.
And I’m excited to be free of all of this.
I loved how she says that “Finicky cats are finicky because they always know another meal is coming.”
Much of my life is lived with a concern for the future. Do we have enough money, enough things? I was recently able to give up my money addiction and realize that we’d just get enough to fulfill our needs — and my worry about it, or constantly counting it wasn’t going to give us any more.
And it’s really free’d me.
And now it’s time to do the same with food.
As a side-note, we have signed up for a Christian Health Share (we chose Liberty Health Share) because our health insurance bill had finally gotten to be more than our mortgage. Because I am overweight, they have assigned me a health coach (I also have to pay $50/month more until I lose the weight).
Maybe this one will keep track of me.
It really does help having someone smart to talk it over with. Talk about my feelings and how things are going. I am hopeful it will help a lot.
But either way — I’m letting go of my need to lose weight, and I’m looking to stop obsessing over food. Stop over-filling myself, and start enjoying it all more.
I never want to have the feeling of eating too much again. Why do I give that to myself — was it really worth it?
I don’t even want to be back to the #118 — I really just want to be happy and healthy. I think that’s what we all want.
Oh, and as far as fitness — I’m using TRX bands. I’m hoping it will help my core issues. I like it — but it’s tough. Has anyone tried it? There are SO many ways to use it!
Does any of this resonate with you? I’d love to know in the comments.
Have you done a diet only to find yourself more overweight than when you started?
Tell me about it!